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Staying for kids and/or finances

5K views 38 replies 14 participants last post by  Pepper123 
#1 ·
I'm new and I guess I need 30 posts to be able to post in the Private Forum. I don't want to put too much info here in public view. Let me ask this general question.

Is staying in a long term marriage until kids reach adulthood a bad idea? What about staying solely for financial reasons?

I don't want a divorce. I'd like to work on things but I don't see hubby making an effort. If only one of us is trying, we're doomed right?

I guess that's more than one question.....
 
#7 ·
The kids will KNOW (either already do or will when they're old enough)...when you tell them you stayed together "for them" that will make THEM feel guilty!

'You and Dad stayed together in a miserable marriage because of me. Thanks a lot. I didn't ask you to do that and if I had been asked I'd have told you to be happy.'

If your kids are old enough to be OUT in 5-6 years, you'd be SHOCKED to know how much they already know, surmise or have/will figure out before they leave.
 
#8 ·
I don't really think I'm in a miserable marriage. We have issues we both need to work on but it's not horrible in my opinion. I tried to post an article here but I guess that's not allowed. I was reading that if the reasons you're thinking of divorce is because you've "grown apart" you owe it to your kids to work on it. This is the reason he's giving me. I knew we had some problems but didn't think it was a bad marriage at all.
 
#14 ·
Wrong. You don't owe it to the kids. You owe it to yourselves. Is he willing to do marriage counseling and individual therapy?
 
#10 ·
A family is worth fighting for. I agree with Dr. Phil, before you consider D. you have to turn over every stone with counseling, date nights, time away together. D. is hard on children, very hard. Unless there is abuse a person should do all they can to save a marriage. Be careful, when a man says you have grow apart he often has his eye on greener pastures ( he just thinks they are greener).
 
#11 ·
Thanks all! I know without specifics it's hard to discuss. I guess my situation is more about trying to make it work for the kids vs. staying in a horrible relationship that would negatively affect them anyway. I would stay if we were obviously miserable infront of them. This discussion may all be for naught if he won't agree to try anyway. Still in discussion right now.
Indiecat, you might be on to something there.
 
#13 ·
Start posting on other threads so you can get to 30 faster.

Working on a marriage is one thing. I'm all for that. But staying solely for the children is another. Children always know if their parents don't have a happy marriage.

And the "grown apart" line is often used by cheaters. Especially if the one saying it doesn't want to work on it.
 
#16 ·
It will effect the kids no matter the age. If you split after they leave the house. Then it will feel like their family life was a lie. My parents divorced early. I don't even remember dad really living with us except a few memories. My good friends parents divorced right after he graduated high school and it was still difficult for him because of what I stated above.
 
#18 ·
Hey stressed-

can you support yourself?

Have you thought about how custody would work?

How much debt do you all have?

What about savings for college?

I can understand if you are miserable, he kids will know that.

I try to convince myself all the time that its beter to stay married for our dauhter....I am slowly dying inside...

Where are you on the happiness scaleStressedand sad?

You can fake it for just so long...eventually it eats away at your soul.

I can see the reasons to stay, but it does come with a price.
 
#19 ·
If you become a "Forum Supporter" which entails making a small($5 ?) donation, you get instant access to the Private Section posting, IIRC.



I wish I knew the answers to your question. Stuck in limbo here, trying not to fade away.
 
#20 ·
Well, she's making progress...only seven more posts to go! :)

BTW Stressed, I understand from your initial posts that this is not where you want to be. I hope you find the support and information you need to make the best decision for your family. Hang in there.
 
#21 ·
Thanks all! Really appreciate this forum. Looking forward to sharing my story as I can tell from other threads that most of you are very good at seeing things that are obvious as an outsider looking in. So hard to see the trees when you're in the middle of the forest.

Some answers to your questions.

My happiness scale moves daily, almost hourly. I feel deep in my heart that with some effort on both our parts, that we can right this ship. But I'm not kidding myself as some of the issues are pretty big. So I go from hopeful to hopeless in the span of a few minutes.

Trying not to get into too much detail but we live a very comfortable life and upon dividing assets I would get a considerable settlement. Can I support myself? I'm not very marketable after being out of the workforce for many years and my age. But with the settlement and alimony/child support, I would be okay. This part scared me the most but meeting with a lawyer helped calm me "some".
Custody will be tricky as he will not be living in the same area if we divorce. Again, not going into great detail here but I would be with the kids for 90% of the time. It'll be difficult to coordinate for sure.

Right now he said he'd like to try to work it out but I'm not getting a vibe of sincerity. I'm getting a "I'm scared to lose my money vibe" But it hasn't been long, so I need to see more effort before I am hopeful it'll work.

How many posts am I up to? Hopefully I'm ready for what you all have to say.
 
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