She wants to give up, I can't let her do that

LostandAlmostOut · 07-03-2008, 09:05 PM

A little information up front.
A year ago my wife and I moved from a place we were really happy in. I had ear surgery and she started to realize she couldn't support me as much because she relied so heavily on me, I was out of commission for 3 weeks. About 6 months ago she started to work alot more and text message, talk on the phone and want to hang out with this guy she works with.
She has told me that she has feelings for him and 2 nights ago I walked in on them on the couch, "sitting to watch a movie" while I was out of town. I came home to surprise her and talk about the seperation she wants to have. She told me it was over and I wouldn't except that.
As I talk to her and find more information I realize that she may not fall back in love with me because this other guy shows her the interest she wants to be shown, that I am trying to show but I never knew I didn't show it until now.
I am madly in love with this women, I have been for 7 years. We will be married 2 years in Oct.
This guys says that he never meant to hurt me or have any of this happen but I find it hard to believe because he won't walk away. She doesn't think she will be able to let him go if he did leave. She thinks he is a good person, I believe different.
We have an appointment for marriage counseling beginning next week. She says she is going for me, but doesn't know if it will work or if she wants it to work. I don't want her to go for me, I want her to go for herself and get our lives back.
I have been pulling all the stops out to get her to see me as the person she saw when we started dating.

I am desperate and I will do anything to keep her. I am really broken inside and I try as hard as could be to be happy around her so she sees me, not the broken me she just made.

Any suggestions? Advice? Do I let her go and throw away a 10 yr relationship? 3 yrs as friends 5 years as partners and 2 years as husband and wife?
I don't want that and I would loose her forever if I let her go.

draconis · 07-04-2008, 04:18 AM

First you really don't want her to go for "herself." You want her to go for you, and you want her to want the relationship as bad as you do. This isn't a bad thing. It means you want the marriage to succeed.

You have the chance, since she is willing to go. It might be high time you learn to really communicate with your wife.

You have your chance. Give it your best shot. Good luck.

draconis

Josh · 07-04-2008, 05:54 AM

If you really want to try and save your marriage i think there are 2 things that i would try to fix if i were you:
1. Your wife's lack of satisfaction from your marriage.
2. Your wife's lack of respect towards you.

What would i do?
I would start spending more quality time with my wife, making her feel that i truly want to understand her and i truly want to know her needs.
I would take her out once a week and declare this time as our quality time when i m whole there for her.I would buy her flowers once a week and make an effort to compliment her at least once a day about something i liked about her that day.

As far as the respect thing goes - i would try to understand what does my wife see as important and who does she look up to and try my best to fit myself in that spot.

Just my $0.02

Good luck.

LostandAlmostOut · 07-04-2008, 06:33 AM

Thanks for the advice guys.
It's not communicating with me via the other avenues. It's the sneaking around talking to this other guy via the other avenues.

This is why she wants to seperate, she feels that she can't hurt me anymore because she can't be a good wife and be supportive to me. She has taken feelings from me and centered them on this other guy.

Is there anything I can do to make him go away even though they work together and she has feelings for him?
Should I talk with him about this? I have bad thoughts about that though.

I really want me wife back and our lives together to get stronger again.

Josh · 07-04-2008, 06:53 AM

Dont think the other guy is an issue - the issue is you and your wife. If you wont solve the basic problems tomorrow there will be another guy.
Sure you can talk to him if it makes you feel good but thats not a real solution in my opinion.

LostandAlmostOut · 07-04-2008, 10:09 PM

So if I understand this right. The other guy is in love with my wife, is trying to ruin our marriage and has my wife convinced that she is not in love with me and she is in love with the other guy.
He isn't an issue?
She is looking at him more and interested in him because of her problems with me?
She is giving me 2 months to work on our relationship and try to rekindle that love we used to have but has told me a hundred times she thinks it's a waste of time and I am prolonging getting hurt more then I am.

I have asked her to be fair to me and give her all to me, that means limited to no contact with this other guy.

Let me give another story this morning I was given on mostly the end straw.
I work out of town when I have work to do and sometimes for a couple of days at a time, I know perfect for an affair situation.
I was out of town when a storm came through that was close to tornado weather and a bunch of trees came down to close most of the roads to get to our house. She called to ask me in a complete panic how to get home, she couldn't get home she needed help. She says that I blew her off and thought she was lieing when I told her I couldn't believe there wasn't a way home. She called this other guy and he came and helped her get home and take the dogs out and offered for her to stay at his mom's house, yes he lives with his mother. She accepted and they came back the next morning. She says she stays at his house because she didn't feel safe in our house if another storm through, we live in a field and the closest tree is 2.5 acres away. I was out of town and couldn't get back for a day if I drove all night. I tried to give her other roads to try but she said they were all blocked.

They have some things in common like they both lost their fathers, they have a very strong passion for animals. She is convinced that he is very observant of things she does, of course he is observant, he is a new person in the picture. I was observant too. I am not saying I havn't had a rough year or so.

The thing that has been really confused is her thoughts of getting rid of everything right now. We have a small farm and she wants to get rid of the goats, the rabbits and all the small critters we have. She only wants to take her dog when this is all over. I worry there is something else going on with her, not just that she is falling for this other guy but something broke in her head the day she was panicked and this other guy came to her rescue, like he was her white knight or something. It was a week later that he told her he thought he was in love with her, and she expressed the same feelings.
Her decision isn't final and I keep making her think as does her mom and she turns the decision back to staying with me. She says it's because she cares to much probably. I think it's because she doesn't want to admit she is still in love with me because if she admits it then she knows she has problems that need to be worked out. Today she stopped telling me she loved me because it was too routine and she knows she is not in love with me anymore.

Sorry it's so long but I have no one else to dump all this on. I need advice to keep going. I am madly in love with her and I don't want to loose her to someone else and see her get hurt and I am not around to comfort her. If she decides to leave I will be gone forever, I will have to completely forget her to continue on with my life.

angelj · 07-08-2008, 06:47 PM

I've been in a similar situation and the other guy is not the issue. it's hard to believe but it's true. Essentually your wife is having an emotional affair. She's in love with the attention she's getting and not necessarily the guy. My wife reconnected with a male friend from her past and shortly after our marriage went down hill fast. She "wasn't in love with me anymore". We were separated off and on for 18 months. I needed to focus all my attention on her. We started off with communicating everyday about our issues and other daily topics. The hard part was simply listening and not jumping in to give her advice and try to save her from her own problems at work and with relatives. Women want to talk and need someone to listen. As soon as she knew I was willing to give her my absolute attention she started suggesting other methods of attention like playing games together (board games/video games) and going out on dates. I was living with my parents most of the time and I'd pick her up, we'd go out and have dinner and then I'd drop her off and we'd flirt a little and then I'd leave. She'd call me shortly after and we'd talk and share memories like we were still in high school dating. It was exactly what we used to do when we were dating and it made her feel good. Eventually we worked everything out. Don't bug her about why she's fallen out of love. Honestly, they don't really know why. Just pay her some attention and be nice. Kill her with knidness and be the man she fell in love with. Keep her wanting more though. Don't smother her with attention or she'll get freaked out. Start slowly so she doesn't feel like it's a ploy. It'll take time before she see's a pattern and trusts that you'll keep up your end of the relationship. Good luck let her know how lucky you are to have her in your life regardless of how things work out.