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Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 09-05-2010, 03:36 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default serious advice needed

I am a 49 y.o. man, married for 27 years. The problem is multifold. for the past few years, my wife and I constantly argue of the same old stuff, adult kids at home not helping, no help with pool care (she wanted it, not me), ETC. We will talk about it and things will change for a week or so, then go right back to the same old rut. I know that I am not always an easy person to live with, but neither is she. I constantly go around wondering if I say something, is it going to set her off. It is like walking on eggshells all the time.
Our sex life is on an as needed (by me) basis. She has never actually told me no, but most times in the last few years, I would have got more involvment from a log. Alot of times she looks disinterested and almost a "hurry up" attitude. She hasnt even said "I love you" in months. I tell her at least once a day.

Now the bad part. I have recently started seeing a really good friend of ours who was widowed about 5 years ago. It started as a purely sexual satisfaction thing, but we are both starting to develop feelings. She makes me feel loved and wanted. She is full of affection. I am a very affectionate person.

Problem. I am contimplating a divorce. I do still love my wife very much, but don't feel loved by her, even though she will say she does love me. Do I try counseling, and hope we stay on the right track. Or, do I leave. If I stay and quit the other relationship and later things fall apart again, I may loose any chance with the other woman. HELP.
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Old 09-06-2010, 01:13 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: serious advice needed

It seems you simply need to decide what you want, and you can't have both (or you'll end up with nothing quickly).

My own marriage is in a bad, bad place, and I'm here to tell you - the idea of someone else sounds pretty damn good! I have done a lot of reading, and it's common (so you don't feel alone) to veer elsewhere when you are going through divorce. I haven't strayed elsewhere for the simple problem - I see no chance of success on any front when that's going on.

As I see it, you have 2 big problems:
1) Your marriage has a big ol' affair going on.
2) Your emotions are tied up in a relationship that is built upon secrecy and deception.

To fix the marriage - should you decide to do it - you need to quit the affair (very hard at the 'honeymoon' stage) - and rededicate yourself like no other. Not easy when your spouse may not change.
To build the other relationship - you have to drag your spouse through a really yucky divorce. And, figure out how to come out worthy of a relationship.

No easy answer, for sure. I wish you the best. Tell us what you decide.
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Old 09-06-2010, 06:59 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: serious advice needed

Chances are your wife has feelings that you might be cheating on her. Never underestimate a spouses ability to pick up on that no matter how discreet you feel you are being.

I wouldn't be saying "I love you" to you under those circumstances either. Honestly, you may say you didn't feel loved and that's why you are cheating, but chances are, you are cheating and feeling loved is just too much to expect from your wife while you are busy betraying her like that.

27 years is a huge investment and deserves your total commitment to working through the issues, and yes, doing that with a counselor would probably be most helpful.

Cut all ties with this other woman immediately and put your heart and soul into truly resolving and healing your marriage. That is the only way you are going to know what is really going to work or not. My guess is that your wife deserves at least that from you even if she seems a bit difficult to live with right now. How easy would it be to live with you if you were the one being betrayed on the deepest of levels?

Besides, would you really want to leave the mother of your children to run off with the type of woman that would screw around with a married man? What would your adult children think of you and what message would you be giving them about the importance of family?
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Old 09-06-2010, 07:38 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: serious advice needed

Some grass will always seem greener. Your wife may not be perfect but you admit you aren't either. She hasn't cut you off from sex. Adult "kids" don't live in your home a second longer than you permit. If you want them to do chores, they do chores or they get out. Naturally, you're finding reasons to be unhappy with your wife...you're having an affair! How can you clearly see the blessings you've been given while you're doing another woman? If you weren't having this affair, would you still leave your wife of 27 years? If the choice was not her or this other woman, but a choice between her or being alone, what would you choose? Maybe you could live with this widow or maybe she'd irritate you to tears. Maybe she'd be faithful and maybe not. Although your wife isn't perfect, she's been perfect enough to have lived with for nearly 3 decades. You know you can live with her. Anything else is a crap shoot.
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Old 09-07-2010, 08:35 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: serious advice needed

Thanks to all for replies. You all brought up some good points, BUT. First, my wife stopped saying "I love you" about 3 years ago.
Second, everytime I say anything about adult children helping out, my wife says I am a bastard and leave them alone. Third, I would not have looked for a relationship if sex with my wife was even close to anything but mechanical, she seems to have a "hurry up and get it over with" attitude. She won't even let me do oral on her anymore.
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Old 09-07-2010, 11:34 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: serious advice needed

What did you do to address the fact that she quit saying "I love you" so many years ago?

If your wife is calling you a bastard, that is verbal abuse. Why are you continuing to allow that?

The sex issue too - instead of addressing these, setting firm and healthy boundaries for yourself and working to resolve anything - one way or the other - you run away into someone else's arms. That just adds even more drama to the whole equation. So, in the long run, no matter what happens your wife will say "BUT, you were cheating on me".
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Old 09-10-2010, 03:50 AM   #7 (permalink)
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The "affair" has ended. We only met up twice, before guilt got the better of me. Wife and i have talked, but still have several issues unresolved. She won't show affection and acts like it is a pain in the ass when I try. I am talking little things, like hugs, or a carress as we pass each other. I have told her that i don't feel loved anymore, she responds with "I love you deeply". Than why don't she show it?
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Old 09-10-2010, 06:43 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: serious advice needed

Good for you tornapart! Have you asked her why she won't show affection and why it seems as if it's a nuisance for her? You might want to be very specific with her when you are talking to her "I don't feel loved when we never touch" might come across more clearly to her than "I don't feel loved".
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Old 09-10-2010, 07:50 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: serious advice needed

Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyHer View Post
Chances are your wife has feelings that you might be cheating on her. Never underestimate a spouses ability to pick up on that no matter how discreet you feel you are being.

I wouldn't be saying "I love you" to you under those circumstances either. Honestly, you may say you didn't feel loved and that's why you are cheating, but chances are, you are cheating and feeling loved is just too much to expect from your wife while you are busy betraying her like that.

27 years is a huge investment and deserves your total commitment to working through the issues, and yes, doing that with a counselor would probably be most helpful.

Cut all ties with this other woman immediately and put your heart and soul into truly resolving and healing your marriage. That is the only way you are going to know what is really going to work or not. My guess is that your wife deserves at least that from you even if she seems a bit difficult to live with right now. How easy would it be to live with you if you were the one being betrayed on the deepest of levels?

Besides, would you really want to leave the mother of your children to run off with the type of woman that would screw around with a married man? What would your adult children think of you and what message would you be giving them about the importance of family?
Excellent post!

tornapart, I think you could benefit from reading "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Your wife's love language obviously isn't physical touch but yours is. Find out what her love language is--then your needs will have a chance of being met. My estranged husband never figured that one out. To this day he continues his string of "conquest" to have his physical touch need met.
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