I married the wrong man and I'm lost
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Old 09-09-2010, 04:51 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I married the wrong man and I'm lost

I didn't hold out for what I deserved because at the time I met my husband I didn't think that I deserved much. I was just happy to be with a nice guy that I loved so I married him thinking that I was doing the smart thing. Now, 3 kids later, I'm faced with the fact that I'll never really know what it is like to be with someone who lives for me and me them. I gave myself over to him for the first few years and loved without fear. I spoiled him and treated him like he was my world and while he was loving he never really seemed interested in doing the same for me. I completely overlooked the fact that he was very selfish, self absorbed and lazy. I cheated, at some point I just needed to feel needed. THat is no excuse but I was totally starved emotionally.

I don't have any plans to visit my children or force them to visit their father so I'm stuck. I have the blessing of staying home with my kids which is more important than my romantic happiness but I can't help feeling like I've ruined my own life by settling. My children are now my world and I would never change that so now I'm 100% devoted to them.

Please tell me there is a light at the end of this tunnel, that there is hope for happiness in a loveless marriage. My husband isn't a super bad guy, just a guy that never really grew up. He has a good heart but too many issues to really be capable of loving.
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Old 03-31-2011, 11:11 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I married the wrong man and I'm lost

Are you still reading this website? my situation is very similar. I decided this fall that I cannot do this anymore though. I went away alone and cheated and I was the happiest I ever remember being. Totally selfish yes but I cannot live another 30+ years like this. If you get this - would love to chat...
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Old 04-01-2011, 12:36 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I married the wrong man and I'm lost

I totally get where you're coming from.. my situation is similar in some aspects, although my wife is now making a conscious effort to change. We really still don't know whether our marriage will survive or not, but we're trying.

My gut feeling about what's going on in your life? If two people are NOT on the same page regarding mutual affection and being appropriately sensitive to each other's feelings, it's going to be a real struggle. The relationship might not be worth it in the long run.

Would you like to grow old, constantly thinking that you're missing out on true love? That is something you need to think about.

Cheating is NOT going to help. If you're that starved for affection, you better stand up for it - otherwise you're just compromising with your self-respect without really changing your circumstances.

Sorry if that came across as harsh, btw.
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Old 04-01-2011, 10:12 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I married the wrong man and I'm lost

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Originally Posted by akcroy View Post
My gut feeling about what's going on in your life? If two people are NOT on the same page regarding mutual affection and being appropriately sensitive to each other's feelings, it's going to be a real struggle. The relationship might not be worth it in the long run.
Agree 100%
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Old 04-01-2011, 05:47 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I married the wrong man and I'm lost

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Originally Posted by Sandycarmom View Post
I didn't hold out for what I deserved because at the time I met my husband I didn't think that I deserved much. I was just happy to be with a nice guy that I loved so I married him thinking that I was doing the smart thing. Now, 3 kids later, I'm faced with the fact that I'll never really know what it is like to be with someone who lives for me and me them. I gave myself over to him for the first few years and loved without fear. I spoiled him and treated him like he was my world and while he was loving he never really seemed interested in doing the same for me. I completely overlooked the fact that he was very selfish, self absorbed and lazy. I cheated, at some point I just needed to feel needed. That is no excuse but I was totally starved emotionally.

Quote:
I don't have any plans to visit my children or force them to visit their father so I'm stuck. I have the blessing of staying home with my kids which is more important than my romantic happiness but I can't help feeling like I've ruined my own life by settling. My children are now my world and I would never change that so now I'm 100% devoted to them.
Please tell me there is a light at the end of this tunnel, that there is hope for happiness in a loveless marriage. My husband isn't a super bad guy, just a guy that never really grew up. He has a good heart but too many issues to really be capable of loving.
When you married him did you quietly slip in your vows that you would love him and cherish him only if he did the same for you every day?

Folks what we have here is a woman who was fed the fantasy romance crap ranging from the bachelorette to romantic comedies. Marriage is about giving and loving your partner and accepting who he/she is. You accuse your husband of being selfish but yet you cheated and put your husband and family at risk because you are emotionally immature and high maintenance.

Have an honest conversation with the hubby tonight and tell him all of this in an adult way. Try MC and see if its going to work. No sense of lying to your husband any further. Good luck.


Oh and this last part:

Quote:
I don't have any plans to visit my children or force them to visit their father so I'm stuck. I have the blessing of staying home with my kids which is more important than my romantic happiness but I can't help feeling like I've ruined my own life by settling. My children are now my world and I would never change that so now I'm 100% devoted to them.
Really cements my opinion of you. Your man works so you can be a SAHM and you screw him over like this because you have SAHM boredom syndrome.
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