So I'll try to make it brief as hard as that may be. I have been reading the forums for about week and finally decided I'd post my own situation here.
I have been with HB since I was 17. I am now 37, he is 41. We dated on and off several times, me being the one to break up each time. We finally decided to move in and get engaged. I got pregnant with our first daughter and had her shortly before the wedding. Two children followed. Our oldest just moved out 2 months ago and moved 1800 miles away. So we have a 15yo boy and a 14 yo girl at home (she is disabled). HB and I have been miserable for many years. We lead separate lives. I am outgoing, social, talkative. He is shy, afraid of people and obbsessed with making money and working. We have no soical life. We do nothing together as a couple or a family.
We fight constantly about money. Anyway, long story short, we've had counseling a few times over the years. Everything changes briefly then slowly creeps back to the way it was before. Him being adamant that I am a spender and ruining his life and his life's dreams and goals. Me being desperate for attention, love, affection. When we fight, there is never resolution, he just pretends nothing ever happened and goes on about his life like all is fine. He is completly co dependant on me for everything. Like I'm his Mother. He can't make phone calls or contact people when needed. I have to do all that. He isn't involved in the kids daily lives, school meetings, doctor appts. etc. He has social anxiety disorder but has never sought treatment. We have a business now and it was ALL his idea, I never wanted it. The business keeps us away alot from our kids and responsibilities. This is the 3rd year and so far we have been in the red at every year. It's a concession business and it runs just in the summer. He decided right away it was to be ALLOUT. No compromises. Events every weekend, and then he bought ANOTHER concession trailer so we could do multiple events, completly against my wishes. Basically he is convinced that more money will solve all our problems.
I wrote him a letter this week telling him how miserable I am, knowing he is too and maybe we should separate to think about what we want. He responded with a 20 page letter about how everything that is wrong with our lives and the kids is to blame on not being "financially stable". And that is the fight of his life and how sick is it that his own wife is sabotoging him. He was very mean and cruel to me in the letter. He wrote the words "financially stable" 32 times in the letter. He wrote about love marriage etc less than 5. Now I admit to "overspending" at times. However it's maybe a book or magaine or an extra outfit for the kids. I don't have nice things. I dont get my hair done or nails and wear beautiful clothes or drive a nice car. We live paycheck to paycheck. And even using part of our paychecks towards the business instead of bills. He made it sound as though I do NOTHING to contribute to our family. I work 2 jobs, I take care of the kids, taking them to all their appts etc. without him. Sometimes I work 10-15 days straight between the 2 jobs and the business.
The last page of the letter was telling me how if we were to divorce the only thing that would change is his life would be ruined, I would get the kids, all his money and I'd get to go play bingo every night on his dime. Basically pulling the guilt card and manipulating me into feeling terrible for ruining him. Not once in the letter did he say he loved me or didn't want to lose me. had he done that or said he couldn't live without me, I would have caved. Instead, he was cruel and mean and then ended with the I will ruin his life. I have responded but haven't given him the letter yet. I'm a bit afraid to. Right now I am seeking a counselor to sort my feelings. I KNOW he needs one. he has major self esteem issues and very irrational behaviour/ideas. My son told me the other day he doesn't even like living with his Dad. The kids resent him and argue with hom constantly. He hasn't kissed me in almost 2 years. He constantly wants sex and gets mad when I wont give it to him because I can't stand to be around him. It's been probably 6 months or so. So now I'm in the middle. Like feeling guilt for abandoning him yet hurt for the words he said. And also miserable because I see no end in sight of this miserable life for the next 30 years. Any advice? Or just support actually is nice and I appreciate it.
I'm not sure I'm the one to give advice...although I'm really good at giving it…just not at following my own...
The one thing I know is that men identify their self-esteem, their feelings of self-worth, their feelings of success, of happiness, of contentment, etc… on how financially successful they are. At least most do…
It may be a situation where your husband feels like no matter what he does he is not living up to what ‘he feels’ should be the ideal life…hence the social anxiety and other issues you describe here.
He may feel like that he can’t give you all that he feels you deserve, and may be unable to realize that you as woman would much rather just have his love, understanding, and communication to be happy.
Sounds to me he is constantly trying to give money to ya’lls life, or rather thinks that is what is most important, and totally ignorant (for lack of a better word) to your TRUE needs from him.
Men are very childlike in many ways, and quite frankly this is universal across the board (at least from our perspective).
Any woman that is married or involved with a man is going to deal with issues that we perceive as very immature and childish. Men are just that way. I will say that some are worse than others, and some are over the line.
The fact that he says, “If you leave you will ruin my life” speaks volumes about what is going on inside of him. It says to me that you and the kids are his world, and that he would be lost without you.
It’s very frustrating when you give all of yourself to help fulfill your beloved’s dream, only to have him completely ignore yours.
Counseling is a great idea, but finding a good one that fits can be difficult. I would definitely encourage the two of you to try and find someone. Don’t give up if you meet a few that aren’t giving you guys what you need. Keep looking, even if you are looking on your own. My favorite counselors are the ones that tell you like it is not just sit and listen. They are hard to come by, because many counselors want to please their patients so they will keep coming back (money). The really good ones will tell both of you, straight up, what you are doing wrong and how to correct it.
Thanks for the advice. I do appreciate it. I've been reading TONS of posts on here and it has really helped put things into perspective. I've actually realised that my marriage isn't normal in any way and hasn't been for several years. I've been giving it alot of thought over the past week.
Some of the things that come to mind are as follows, now mind you, this has become my normal, I know now we are terribly broken and dysfunctional.
We don't say I love you. We dont hold hands or kiss. We dont go anywhere together, ever, not even the store. We dont celebrate birthdays anniversaries, valentines, xmas with each other, no gifts or cards. I do tend to give him something from the kids even if its a card but he never does the same for me. About 8 years ago he did send me flowers for our annivesary but I sort of had to hint around to get that. I have fibromyalgia and am in pain much of the time, he thinks I'm faking most of the time and never offers concern or help or care. I've tried to bring him into my world a bit by giving him a facebook since I enjoy it so much with the games and people. he won't use it, didn't even try. I have major anxiety when riding with people in a car, he makes fun of it especially in winter by driving fast or spinning out. He thinks it's hilarious. I've had a few bad accidents and my bff was killed is why I am always so scared. The list goes on and on.
That's just a small laundry list of things. I KNOW I am just as guilty of treating him badly I'm sure. Partly because we have lost all love and respect for each other. We're not compatible. Is that possible? That after 20 years you can just NOT be with the right person because you've changed? I mean I met him at 17, I had no idea what real love or relationships were back then. I am in the mode where I don't even want to try anymore, I don't see a way back. And one thing that is very telling in his letter to me he wrote "I haven't had an ok day in over 20 years". He was meaning this about money but that speaks volumes considering we met over 20 years ago. Like we WERE happy and had a good life at one point. That really hurt me. Is this the norm? My relationship? Do most people spend time together and celebrate special days for each other? I don't even know what's normal anymore.
We don't say I love you. We dont hold hands or kiss. We dont go anywhere together, ever, not even the store. We dont celebrate birthdays anniversaries, valentines, xmas with each other, no gifts or cards. I do tend to give him something from the kids even if its a card but he never does the same for me. About 8 years ago he did send me flowers for our annivesary but I sort of had to hint around to get that. I have fibromyalgia and am in pain much of the time, he thinks I'm faking most of the time and never offers concern or help or care. I've tried to bring him into my world a bit by giving him a facebook since I enjoy it so much with the games and people. he won't use it, didn't even try. I have major anxiety when riding with people in a car, he makes fun of it especially in winter by driving fast or spinning out. He thinks it's hilarious. I've had a few bad accidents and my bff was killed is why I am always so scared. The list goes on and on.
That's just a small laundry list of things. I KNOW I am just as guilty of treating him badly I'm sure. Partly because we have lost all love and respect for each other. We're not compatible. Is that possible? That after 20 years you can just NOT be with the right person because you've changed? I mean I met him at 17, I had no idea what real love or relationships were back then. I am in the mode where I don't even want to try anymore, I don't see a way back. And one thing that is very telling in his letter to me he wrote "I haven't had an ok day in over 20 years". He was meaning this about money but that speaks volumes considering we met over 20 years ago. Like we WERE happy and had a good life at one point. That really hurt me. Is this the norm? My relationship? Do most people spend time together and celebrate special days for each other? I don't even know what's normal anymore.
I certainly understand the sense of confusion, wondering what is exactly normal. But what you describe is not at all normal. My wife and I tried to put together some basic expectations prior to our marriage. unfortunately, I was from a dysfunctional family and didn't realize that everything was on my 'to do' list. I realized last week that I tell her 'I love you' several times a day, but she has never said it unless I asked for it. Growing up, my family never celebrated birthdays. I love the idea of having an elaborate party with streamers and banners, so I usually celebrate 'future birthdays' a few times per year for her by taking a day off while she works to set up.
Flowers regularly are normal. The guy feeling like a kid while he shops through the women's section for something for her to wear on their night out is normal. Trying to find the perfect birthday present is normal.
If you decide to try to make it work, I'd strongly suggest working together on the ground rules.
Thanks for the responses! I thought maybe things were improving for a bit but not really. I have had terrible headaches this week and today found my blood pressure was off the charts so i text him saying "my bp is sky high, probably explains my headaches" his response "where did u take ur bp?" me "ty for ur concern" him "wut do u want me to say? Poor baby? Headaches suck? Your going to the dr. Tomorrow im sure you'll live till then" me "u dont get it, ur insensitive, i give up. Im done" Posted via Mobile Device
On the fence about my marriage/life 
Re: On the fence about my marriage/life 
