my boy might not be mine (long but important) - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 09-20-2010, 11:31 PM Thread Starter
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my boy might not be mine (long but important)

I can't believe I am typing this right now but here is my situation:

A few days ago my parents and brothers family received anonymous letters saying that my wife had been cheating on me with one of her coworkers and that it began just before my 4 month old boy was born. my parents showed me the letter and not knowing if it was true or just someone being malicious I showed it to my wife. I guess I'm "happy" she told the truth and admitted to it but it lead to the next question. I asked if I should get a paternity test and she said I SHOULD. I guess I was too trusting of my wife though I thought it would be OK to trust her completely. I never bothered her about hanging out with friends or coworkers but I was wrong.
I don't know how to feel or what to do. I am getting a paternity test but I was informed a few hours ago that this guys she was still with has done one and will be giving it to her tomorrow for her to show me. I also found that whenever she said she would bring our son to see her friends it was actually him she would bring him to. My wife also had his daughter (yes he is also married with older children) babysit my son when I was working. I also found out today that he asked my wife if he could see my son and I said NO! I had done everything a good husband does for his pregnant wife, I was there throughout every part of delivery, and I have over the last 2 months stopped working to be a stay at home dad for my son. regardless of what I receive tomorrow I will still do my own test. I don't know what to think, what to feel, what to do. any advise, support, comments in general would put me at some ease (probably not but it is worth a try).

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post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 09-21-2010, 12:10 AM
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Re: my boy might not be mine (long but important)

You have my sympathy. As a husband and father, I can only imagine what you are enduring right now. For your son's sake and yours, I believe this is a time to push through as best you can and start making some hard but necessary decisions.

Dr. Laura may be able to make dramatic decisions with 1% of the facts, but life usually isn't so easy. I don't know all of the circumstances of your marriage, your parenting, or your finances. The following suggestions are purely personal.

1) BEFORE getting the test results tomorrow, immediately contact an attorney. Preferably one with experience winning cases involving father's rights. You will need to know your legal options regardless of outcome. Don't allow yourself to be limited...have an advocate and supporter who knows the law.
2) In my opinion, your wife has proven some new things to you. Most importantly: she cares more for herself than you or your son and she is incredibly capable of lying and putting your son at risk. I would strongly recommend divorce. I hate divorce, but this is for your son's benefit. His mother abandoned him and his family. I see no possible way for you to ever trust her again. Nor should you.
3) Whether DNA confirms your biological status as a father is (in my opinion) less important than your actions as a father. Were this not the case, millions of adopted children would be parentless. Do not ever forget that he is your son. Never. He deserves you. Fight for him.

I wish you the absolute best for you and your son. Adults can and do make stupid decisions, but we should protect our children from the fallout.

Nathan Greenberg
Founder
ProActiveDads.com
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post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 09-21-2010, 12:15 AM
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Re: my boy might not be mine (long but important)

As a side note, any idea who sent the letter and why they didn't just clue you in personally? Seems like they took the embarrassing way, although I understand they may have had to.
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post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 09-21-2010, 12:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: my boy might not be mine (long but important)

thank you for the reply. i am unsure of who sent the message. the results of the pt wont change that he is my son but my biggest worry for my son is if he could actually have visitation with the three of us seperately (me, mother, other guy) assuming i dont stay with wife?
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post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 09-21-2010, 07:35 AM
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Re: my boy might not be mine (long but important)

If your wife doesn't believe or suspect this other guy is the natural father, why is she taking the baby to see him? Why did he feel the need to get a paternity test (even before you knew of the affair)? Why is his daughter babysitting? If the paternity test shows this guy is the natural father, I'd see an attorney and formalize legally what this arrangement is going to look like. I would offer her an uncontested divorce and let this couple raise their kid. If she wanted to make our marriage work, I'd insist that OM relinquish all parenting rights and privileges and that she find employment elsewhere (if she's still going to work). I couldn't deal with sharing parenting duties with my wife's lover for the rest of our lives. She didn't spontaneously confess this affair to you. You had to confront her with the evidence and pry it out of her. Even after, she lied to you and took the child to meet him. That suggests to me that the affair is still on-going, at least, emotionally. You may just be the guy that pays the bills. I wouldn't want to be in that situation. Not sure what you've got invested in this marriage. If I had no other children with her, and this baby turned out to be "his", I'd almost certainly extricate myself from this situation and leave this couple and their baby in peace.
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post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 10-01-2010, 07:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: my boy might not be mine (long but important)

UPDATE

I found out a few hours ago that he is not genetically mine. I still love him and recently I was thinking I might be able to work it out with my wife. I want what’s best for my son and I didn't think I would care about the results. After I heard them I was crushed just as bad as when I found out my wife cheated on me. I told her the results and she says I am still the father and she wants us to work this out (she hasn't interacted with the other guy other than him talking to her at work and her saying she doesn't want anything to do with him and her getting HR involved... as she says).

A few days ago I was pushing my son around in the stroller (he is almost 5 months now) and a lady we passed started talking with me. She made the comment that "he must look like his mother" and that hurt ALOT. I will never be able to say to him that he gets his swimming from me or he has my toes, nose, etc and that kills me. If I had found out about my wife cheating on me before I got to know and love my son I don't think I would have stayed, I figure that would have been best for me and my son. I am afraid that I will look at him and someday not see him as my own. I wanted for so long to have a child who I could in every way call mine and I still want this. If I have another child (whether with wife or another) will I still see my son the same way?

I hate the situation my wife has put me in and ever since I have told her the results I can't seem to stop being more mad with her everytime she speaks.
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post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 10-01-2010, 07:27 PM
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Re: my boy might not be mine (long but important)

leave your wife and the son....
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post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 10-01-2010, 07:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: my boy might not be mine (long but important)

How can I leave him, I love him and I am the only chance of him being happy.
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post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 10-01-2010, 08:38 PM
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Re: my boy might not be mine (long but important)

i know you are a good man. but do not ruin your life by staying with them. leaving someone you love is really painful but you need to overcome it to get the better life. as for the wife, she is not faithful and not worthy to be loved.

he is only 4 months right? it is easy since he hasn't yet recognize you as his father. give the wife a lesson and let her eat her cake.

i don't like woman who cheat, is worse than a w***e and they surely go to hell when die.

be strong brother.
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post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 10-01-2010, 08:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: my boy might not be mine (long but important)

A few moths ago my wife and I decided it would be best if I quit my job and become a stay at home dad. Financially it was better because I made only a little more then daycare would cost and my wife has insurance to cover us all. She also makes a lot more then I did and I know that no one could care for my son better then I do. He gets so happy everytime he sees me and I know he would forget that if I was gone but I won't forget it ever.

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post #11 of 12 (permalink) Old 10-01-2010, 09:03 PM
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Re: my boy might not be mine (long but important)

Dazed,

My son was three when I met and married his mom. Not one piece of my DNA is in him, but after 27 years, he has adopted so many of my traits and mannerisms that strangers all the time tell us how much we "look" alike. I wouldn't blame you in the slightest for walking out of this situation. I probably would. If you two do decide to work it out, DNA or no DNA, that boy will be yours and you'll be amazed at much "you" is going to be passed to him. He didn't choose his parents and he's not to blame for mistakes his mom or her sperm donor made. "Dad" is the guy who plays with him, changes diapers, feeds him, reads to him, disciplines him, teaches him, etc. That baby doesn't know how he got here and he could care less about paternity tests. If he cries, the guy who shows up is Dad.
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post #12 of 12 (permalink) Old 10-02-2010, 10:13 AM
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Re: my boy might not be mine (long but important)

Your wife is using you for daycare. She is in control of you and that should not be. Your wife does not respect you and has basically cuckolded you with the OM. All I can tell you is what I would do in your situation. I would get a job and leave. If you don't you will waist your life caring for a son that is not yours. And should your cheat again in the future or find another guy, there go all your rights as a parent. IF by chance you do stay. You need to file with the courts that the child is not yours. This way in the future if she does dump you, you won't have to pay child support. It is imperative that you do this, as there is a time limit. I am sorry you have to go through this. You can still be father to the child, but you need to stand on your own two feet and get a job. Otherwise you are a kept man and a cuckold. I would divorce her. This is just my opinion.
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