07-11-2008, 11:01 PM
Join Date: Jul 2008
| | Should wanting a "post-nuptual" be a deal breaker?
My husband of 3.5 years seems to have a deal breaker in marriage; He wants me to sign a "post-nuptual" agreement for "stuff" and literally sign my spousal rights away for life to proove that he can trust me...
HE proposes that he must "protect himself" and this feeling is a result of when we were legally separated (year 2) and my lawyer (against my will-claiming the need to put all in a maitenance agreement to negotiate the property out) included his pre-marital home into the separate maintenance agreement.
Here's a further take on our scenario: We married 1 year after one of my family member's death. I received an inheritance. We decided I quit my job to move into his home and marry. I didn't anticipate that it would take 1 year to get a job. I supported myself, and he paid the bills of his house which we lived in (his house from when he was single). 10 months in the marriage, my husband asked me for money to lend to his friend so my husband's friend could purchase a car for his wife. We were about to purchase an investment property together; I said no because I thought the timing for spending alot of money was not good. He still hold this against me as part of his foundation of "not trusting me." (issue #1)
He interpreted my "no" in the above scenario as "I don't support him in his decisions."
Our relationship spirals negatively. WE have a horrible argument on our 1st wedding anniversary. A few months later I suspect he is cheating on me, and he is verbally treating me bad. I snoop on the computer to discover that he is heavily engaged in an emotional relationship trying to sleep (the verdict is out on whether he actual commited physical adultary) with this women. Email proof indicates that they definately had physical meeting times together - "holding hands in the park." HE appologized for the event with the woman, but it doesn't seem sincere. I don't feel sorry for snooping; because it allowed me to confirm my suspicions. I did appologize for my actions but acknowledged that if I suspect infidelity, and I asked questions without getting answers than I will snoop again. I promised not to snoop and I haven't since the incident. He takes no ownership in his actions that triggered my re-action, but this is the second event in which he stands on continual dis-trust of me.(issues 2 & 2A)
Our relationship is going towards divorce now. We were and are still arguing over money. By September of year 1+ in marriage, my husband is angry over my holding out on not getting a loan on the investment house for him to pay his aunt back $10,000. I felt If we are going to divorce; why do I have to get in more debt for him? This is trust issue #3 he has with me that he continues to re-visit today.
It's now September, I begin to work. We argue regularly until February. In February I am planning to move out and we are getting a divorce; I get pregnant...
WE take a Mort Fertel on-line class during year 2 of marriage. We don't finish, but things get better for awhile. We are both trying mostly because of the baby on the way. However, we acknowledge we love each other and want to make marriage work. I mis-carry the child at almost 6 months in July of last year 2.5 years of marriage.
He treats me horribly coming out of the hospital after the mis-carriage in August of last year. My husband chooses to nurture a friend who chronically goes to jail for petty things, and refuses to nurture me coming out of the hospital. I am done, and I leave town to recover with family. I return last September ready to file for divorce.
By October - through December, I again decide that I am getting a divorce; but because of "grief" I decide that I cannot handle anymore right now. My husband introduces the idea of wanting a "post-nuptual" and I told him I would not sign anything, so just divorce me. He seems to change his tune and than uses that same time to convince me that he is changing and he wants to be married.
For about 6 months my husband acts like a married man, and seems responsible with his priorities of his friends, and me as family. WE decide to purchase a house together; because living in his home is one of our fundamental arguments. For the last 6 months, He generally does the things that I said I needed to "stay together."
His main need to stay together is this "post-nuptual agreement."
It is very hurtful to me that my "husband" who doesn't acknowledge his wrongs and wants forgiveness for his past doesn't return forgiveness for the things I have done to him.
He acknowledges he had an emotional affair; and I don't throw it in his face ever...He doesn't admit to a physical affair.
Regularly, lately, he has stepped back and throws trust issues #1,2,and 3 in my face trying to offer an ultimatum of me signing the post-nuptual agreement or he isn't moving into the newly purchased house - -thus leaving the debt of the new home 100% on me. This causes me a great deal of stress; and I don't understand why he purposely tries to hurt me by causing me to spend more money for "drama"
His actions reminds me negatively about my father - - a good man and perceived as a good man to everyone - - but doesn't give a damn about his wife (and if we had kids). It feels like he doesn't care if our dis-agreements cause financial hardship on me. In fact, his thought process is when I have financial hardships (often created by his actions) is that "I created the hardship on myself by not being responsible or not thinking before I wanted that particular thing."
I have considered that I am married to an emotional abuser.
HE makes me feel like I'm the crazy one for wanting a man to care about my well being, trust that I don't want to hurt him; and not want me to sign away what are simply natural 'spousal rights' (things like wanting to separate current and newly aquired assets by percentages; and whatever he earns, buys, owns past, present, and future belongs to him in case of divorce, separation, or in estate issues).
I dared him to share his post-nuptual with a counselor (meaning marriage counselor); he shared it with a counselor (meaning attorney). HE tells me that the attorney's comment to him is: "what is it your wife wants from you?"
I'm no gold-digger, nor opportunist. I have as much to offer than him regarding "stuff" and "potential". I just didn't think marriage was about arguing over "stuff" and hedging your bets in case the marriage covenant doesn't work. We aren't celebraties and he is treating his accomplishments like they are plentiful- - and they are good but average and not worth this hooplah.
Why do I feel like he is trying to make me sound and feel crazy? All I did was love him and he felt love. I am guilty of protecting myself but only when I thought he was cheating on me...I told him repeatedly I would sign my right to his pre-marital property home; but I wouldn't sign my total spousal rights away - - he keeps adding to the deal believing that I am trying to "trick him."
I think his commitment to marriage, me, and being a husband remains weak; but his words tell me "I love you"
Is there anyone here who could tell me which one of us are the unreasonable ones here? I feel like he is trying to make my reasoning sound crazy...
I told him to serve me with divorce papers, and do it quick. I cannot take this roller coaster of love again...
My heart does still love him; as foolish as it may be.
But it feels like he is trying to make me loose myself; and he wants me to die, look forward to nothing about marriage, but be happy that I have his company. Am I crazy for sticking around this long - - it's been over 3 years now...
I had to write this to ask for a perspective here.
What's wrong with me? What's wrong with him? Is there a way to correct a marriage when the deal saver is a pre-nuptual 3 years after we walked down the isle and said 'I do'?
Anyone's thoughts on my situation would be helpful