I don't want him to touch me anymore
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Old 09-30-2010, 03:00 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Question I don't want him to touch me anymore

I don't know where to begin to tell the story. I will start with how we meet.

We were friends first. He was close friends with a few of my relatives and we ended up doing a lot of the same things together. It seemed normal that we talked and somewhere developed a personal relationship.

He is 16 years older than me and has 4 kids, by his ex-wife or one of his past fiances. A lot of what he showed in front of me was this sweet, caring, man who took care of his family/kids. He had me thinking he was raising these kids on his own (at least the 3 boys, one fiancee ran off to another country with his daughter).

That aside from his ex-wife and this other fiancee there really wasn't any important women in his life sexually. He worked hard and supported his kids.

I was a virgin before him. We talked about getting married the week I moved in with him. He asked me. Except he never wanted to get a marriage license and we became romantic. I had never really thought I'd have sex before marriage and here I was, feeling like a *****.

I got pregnant after living with him for about 4 months and miscarried. I was devastated. I thought it was God punishing me for having sex before marriage. He was still saying "next month on such and such day" we will get married.

The days came and went. He never once even went to the court house to get the paperwork. He ended up losing his job and got his 401k early and had over 25k thousand dollars. He spent it on everything except a wedding ring. He even gave his ex-wife a lot of money (she doesn't take care of the kids, they live with him, and she didn't spend the money on the kids either).

I find out about other women, mainly the fiancee who had his daughter. I didn't know about either of them until after living with him for a while. I asked, did he get her an engagement ring? He was like yes. I was like, did you have a date with her? he was like yes.

I was hurt beyond what I can type here. I stayed with him and thought about leaving this relationship. I thought about it a few times, each time it came and went. I just didn't know what was up. He seemed to love me. We were really romantic together before the first miscarriage. Then after it, a few months we didn't do anything.

I had dr orders to avoid it for a certain amount of time. And the other part of me that said no and avoided it was because we weren't married and I didn't want to upset God further.

I was still upset over all of the supposed wedding plans. I had told co-workers we were getting married, etc. For it to not happen. I just got to the point I was like, once I save enough money I'm going to move out and be done with this. I can't take it anymore. I don't think he really loves me. If he did he would have held true to some promises and actually married me. I'd have a ring on my finger like his other fiancee.

We then had sex one time. I apparently got pregnant from it again and it never occurred to me that I was even pregnant until he suspected it. And got the tests.

This pregnancy has stuck but its been one with its own problems. I've bleed off and on and gone through so many miscarriage scares I think the dr's at the hospital know me by name. It feels like it. I've been on and off bed rest.

I lost my job because I called in sick 1 time cause I was at the ER.

He finally got me a ring. I was a little upset it wasn't even a real diamond. I'm not materialistic. But after waiting so long and him being able to buy EXPENSIVE rings for his ex-wife, his ex-fiance, etc. I thought maybe I would be a little important to get at least a diamond chip. EX-boyfriends of mine have bought me diamond earrings, bracelets, necklaces, etc worth much more than this for my birthday or other holidays.

Wouldn't a husband be able to put out a little something for a ring I'd be wearing for the rest of my life with him? He went out and spent 1,000 dollars for a school trip for his son. How much would 200 dollars or 300 dollars really put him out for at least something sparkling on the band? I mean even after he spent over 25,000 dollars in a matter of months!

I tried not to be upset about the ring. I was really happy he did at least get me a ring.

We got married the following month. It wasn't anything like we had talked about at all. I know he isn't religious. He didn't want a church. He already did that with his ex-wife. But I did want to at least do something a little special for us. Like maybe get married at the nature park we first meet at or something. It wouldn't have cost much. Had someone that could marry us for less than 100 dollars. And we had talked about doing a BBQ/picnic like reception with extended family.

But we didn't do that. We got married before a judge.

My pregnancy (I'm still pregnant) has been hard. I've had severe morning sickness from the start. I've lost weight. I'm tired. I'm sore.

None of his other women were ever this way when pregnant. I know, he tells me often enough. His first wife cheated on him and had a few pregnancies by other men who he thought were his.

So he's been through this a lot. He also said she never took care of the kids (would leave them in ****ty diapers while he worked a full day shift and have him clean them when he got home), etc. His other fiancee didn't work either. And he expects me to work (the Dr gave me the release to go back to work part-time, with stipulations).


I don't get him off sexually anymore. He tells me that often enough. I was trying to give him a handjob cause he wanted one.. and I didn't even have my hand on him for more than 2 minutes before he pushed me away because I wasn't doing it right.

He's the only partner I've ever had. I've done what he showed me to do.. and what he said he likes. I don't give as good of blow jobs as so and so (another woman added to the list of ex-fiances.. I think she was number 2 or 3).

I'm 7 months pregnant and starting to show for real. I'm not as attractive as I was when we first got together. I don't turn him on. Porn does.

I can't ever get him to touch me the few and rare times he get sin the mood (after he was looking at porn). Its usually me getting him stimulated and ready, then he mounts me, cums, and its done. It hurts. I don't get off. I'm not really in the mood anymore.

I've begged him countless times to at least get me wet and ready before he does something. He rarely does. Or if he does its a few seconds and "your ready".

His brother lives with us and constantly tells me I'm not wanted or needed in the house. I feel like I don't belong here. He doesn't work and occupies a spot in the livingroom from the time he gets out of the bathroom till the time he goes to bed. He doesn't clean, he doesn't clean up after himself, hes a pig. He's rude and has nothing nice to say to me.

Yesterday, I was in the car with two of his relatives. They were talking about his ex-fiancee, one he never mentioned before, and how she had all sorts of problems with his live in brother. She had a nervous break down and left.

I can sympathize with her cause if she went through half of what I have, I can understand it. She had a place to go to, I don't. If I did, I don't think I'd be here or would have gotten married.

I even thought about saying no once he finally got me the ring and gave another date. The only reason I said yes was because I was pregnant and had no where else to go.

My husband would at least say things to his brother on behalf of his ex-fiance. But he can't on behalf of his wife. I was literally told I couldn't watch TV downstairs when my brother in law is taking a 2 hour **** in the bathroom and no one else is downstairs.

But hearing about once again... another woman in his past life upset me. A lot. He even got her a ring! His son mentioned about 6 other women that my husband never mentioned as partners and when his son pushed it, my husband was like "She's already pissed about so and so. Don't talk about this".

I feel like he lied to me. If I'd have known how many partners he really had (I still don't even know how many) I'd never have even dated him. It was completely contradictory of what he said about himself and the man I got to know when dating.

I just don't know where we are right now.

We haven't been intimate since he pushed me away for doing it wrong. He runs to his ex-wife for everything (he talks to her for 20 minutes so she can call the phone company and ask a question, I could just have easily done). He goes on and on how bad she is as a mom and never does anything for the kids.

For the 15+ years they have been divorced, she apparently had no connection with the kids for anything. But she is still the woman he goes to, to fix everything.

I don't think he really loves me. I don't think it would matter if I walked out of here today or tomorrow.

I love him. Its hurts to find out about all these other women and how he did more for them than he ever has for me. Once we started living together, we stopped going on dates. And to think of it, I don't think we really "dated" as a couple before. We just did things together with our families.


I don't know what to do.

Did I make a mistake?

I think I have. I have a new job I'm starting and its only temporary. I won't even be able to work the whole contract (they know) because of my upcoming due-date.

I don't think he loves me. The idea of being naked with him makes me want to puke. I can't help but think of the other women, who were supposed "Friends" he helped out in crisis, etc.

I wanted to be with one person in my life. Not a bunch of partners. I thought he was the one person, but now I don't know.

I don't know what to tell him if he does for some act of God does try to touch me. I don't want anything romantic with him. But he's my husband. Do I owe it to him?

I don't want to have any more kids with him. As much as I had dreams of a large family and 1 or 2 kids and a husband. I wish I was a stronger person and could just leave with my baby.

I don't think I can nor do I think I could support the two of us. How can I stay in this marriage and stop feeling hurt? How can I stop loving him and just get to a phase were I can have this baby, we both work, and live separate lives, but be there to support my daughter?

He even said he doesn't want to do any of the daddy things he did with all of the other children he was there for, for their birth. Cause he's tired of it and has done it enough its time for me to learn. He never said anything like this BEFORE we got together, or when we first talked of marriage. Had he? I'd have said no.

I'm just so worried.

I don't know what I can do.
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Old 09-30-2010, 03:19 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't want him to touch me anymore

please any advice would be appreciated. I'm tired of crying over all the things that's been said or done between him and I.

He mentioned divorce last month if things didn't improve, then the next day he said he would never consider it. I don't know what he wants, what would make him happy. I don't know what would make me happy either.
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Old 09-30-2010, 03:24 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't want him to touch me anymore

I read your post and was hesitant to respond because the first thing I felt was anger for your situation.

How old are you?
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Old 09-30-2010, 03:26 PM   #4 (permalink)
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28 and hes 44.
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Old 09-30-2010, 03:30 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't want him to touch me anymore

He is treating you terribly. I really don't feel it's a good situation for you and your baby. Do you have family that can help you out until you get on your feet and can support the two of you?
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Old 09-30-2010, 03:38 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't want him to touch me anymore

No, my mom passed away a few years ago. It divided the family big time over inheritances and properties in FL. I co-own a house with my sister, but am in a legal battle with her to be able to do something with it. Right now, she is living there and doesn't want me there.

When I told her about the pregnancy, she told me to get an abortion. To her, its my mess I got myself into it, I can get myself out of. This is after I spent 3 years living with her and taking care of her because she had a stroke.
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Old 09-30-2010, 03:45 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't want him to touch me anymore

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shano View Post
No, my mom passed away a few years ago. It divided the family big time over inheritances and properties in FL. I co-own a house with my sister, but am in a legal battle with her to be able to do something with it. Right now, she is living there and doesn't want me there.

When I told her about the pregnancy, she told me to get an abortion. To her, its my mess I got myself into it, I can get myself out of. This is after I spent 3 years living with her and taking care of her because she had a stroke.
I'm hoping others will post with some info on how you can get out of this situation.

This man does not respect you or value you at all.
Not only that, he doesn't even want the responsibility of a child that he helped to bring into this world. He has lied to you, strung you along, and repeatedly disrespected you.

I really think you need to leave.
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Old 09-30-2010, 03:46 PM   #8 (permalink)
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The most I can think of, is staying with him until the birth and 6 weeks after. Then re-applying to where I am working (the HR manager suggested this), save up some money. Then move out.

I've checked the prices for some of the very cheap apartments in the area and it would be around 1,000 with electric/water. I can skip the other conveniences. And that would leave around 200 a month for bus trans portion, diapers, and things. I don't know if I will qualify for food stamps or not. I prefer eating fresh fruit and vegetables from a farmers market (so much cheaper! can get by with 25$ every 2 weeks for food). I am unsure of how much to really expect to pay a month for baby essentials. We don't even own anything baby related yet part from fear of another loss, and part from him not wanting to look at baby things.

I just don't know. Will he maybe change once I'm not pregnant? Will he change his mind once the baby is here and want to be a father? He said he did and it was him more than me that wanted to try again after our first loss.
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Old 09-30-2010, 03:52 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Will he maybe change once I'm not pregnant? Will he change his mind once the baby is here and want to be a father? He said he did and it was him more than me that wanted to try again after our first loss.
Why would he change after the baby is born? Sounds to me like he's been the same guy from the start.

He wanted to try again for a baby? And then say he wanted nothing to do with being a father?

Leave.
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Old 09-30-2010, 04:20 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I just can't believe it all came down to this. I love him to no ends, but it doesn't at all feel like he returns those feelings. I miss him when I go to bed at night and hes stuck at work closing.

I do feel wrong being upset over stuff he did in his past because it was before he meet me. But on the other hand, he could have been a bit more honest about it all.

so damn confused.
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Old 09-30-2010, 04:29 PM   #11 (permalink)
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It's obvious he doesn't respect you, but you need to have some respect for yourself.

You can do alot better than him and you deserve better.
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Old 10-03-2010, 03:36 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I still do not know what to do.
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Old 10-03-2010, 04:01 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. Do you have any friends at all who could help you out?

Do you think he will pay child support? I mean, he should at least be able to buy the child all the necessities until you have a full time job.

On average, baby essentials can cost from 500-1000 dollars a month, maybe even less, depending on where you shop.

You really deserve someone who will love and respect you. I hope you find that person soon enough.

He doesn't deserve you and you really should have nothing to do with him, unless it's for financial support until you get back on your feet.
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Old 10-03-2010, 04:19 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I'm not entirely sure about the friends. Most of my real close friends live out of state (I moved with my husband to here, because he was from here). If I had the money for the travel expenses, I would have moved in with one of them by now.

I don't know if he would pay child support. The who knows what number fiancee walked out with his first daughter and he's done nothing for them since.

I just don't know what to do. I just feel so empty.

I wish I could get things settled in the court with my sister concerning the house we both co-own. She doesn't want me living there and she doesn't way to pay for my half of it (she just wants the whole house). She wont buy out my half, and she won't let me rent it out (she needs the space).

I just hurt.

I still love him. I wish he'd feel something for me.

This morning he was all sweet and cuddling with me before he went to work. And I was trying so hard not to cry because he was finally touching me.

And I'm told by the kids and my brother in law, I'm not even welcomed downstairs today since my hubby is at work. The kids aren't even at the house, they left and don't want their uncle stressed or in a mood when they get home tonight.
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Old 10-03-2010, 04:24 PM   #15 (permalink)
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What does he have to say about his brother and kids treating you this way?

If you were to divorce him, you should definitely ask for child support. The judge will decide how much he pays you then.

BTW you said if you had the money...does your husband not support you financially at all? Like have a joint bank account or at least give you some cash for shopping and what not?
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