I don't want him to touch me anymore
I don't know where to begin to tell the story. I will start with how we meet.
We were friends first. He was close friends with a few of my relatives and we ended up doing a lot of the same things together. It seemed normal that we talked and somewhere developed a personal relationship.
He is 16 years older than me and has 4 kids, by his ex-wife or one of his past fiances. A lot of what he showed in front of me was this sweet, caring, man who took care of his family/kids. He had me thinking he was raising these kids on his own (at least the 3 boys, one fiancee ran off to another country with his daughter).
That aside from his ex-wife and this other fiancee there really wasn't any important women in his life sexually. He worked hard and supported his kids.
I was a virgin before him. We talked about getting married the week I moved in with him. He asked me. Except he never wanted to get a marriage license and we became romantic. I had never really thought I'd have sex before marriage and here I was, feeling like a *****.
I got pregnant after living with him for about 4 months and miscarried. I was devastated. I thought it was God punishing me for having sex before marriage. He was still saying "next month on such and such day" we will get married.
The days came and went. He never once even went to the court house to get the paperwork. He ended up losing his job and got his 401k early and had over 25k thousand dollars. He spent it on everything except a wedding ring. He even gave his ex-wife a lot of money (she doesn't take care of the kids, they live with him, and she didn't spend the money on the kids either).
I find out about other women, mainly the fiancee who had his daughter. I didn't know about either of them until after living with him for a while. I asked, did he get her an engagement ring? He was like yes. I was like, did you have a date with her? he was like yes.
I was hurt beyond what I can type here. I stayed with him and thought about leaving this relationship. I thought about it a few times, each time it came and went. I just didn't know what was up. He seemed to love me. We were really romantic together before the first miscarriage. Then after it, a few months we didn't do anything.
I had dr orders to avoid it for a certain amount of time. And the other part of me that said no and avoided it was because we weren't married and I didn't want to upset God further.
I was still upset over all of the supposed wedding plans. I had told co-workers we were getting married, etc. For it to not happen. I just got to the point I was like, once I save enough money I'm going to move out and be done with this. I can't take it anymore. I don't think he really loves me. If he did he would have held true to some promises and actually married me. I'd have a ring on my finger like his other fiancee.
We then had sex one time. I apparently got pregnant from it again and it never occurred to me that I was even pregnant until he suspected it. And got the tests.
This pregnancy has stuck but its been one with its own problems. I've bleed off and on and gone through so many miscarriage scares I think the dr's at the hospital know me by name. It feels like it. I've been on and off bed rest.
I lost my job because I called in sick 1 time cause I was at the ER.
He finally got me a ring. I was a little upset it wasn't even a real diamond. I'm not materialistic. But after waiting so long and him being able to buy EXPENSIVE rings for his ex-wife, his ex-fiance, etc. I thought maybe I would be a little important to get at least a diamond chip. EX-boyfriends of mine have bought me diamond earrings, bracelets, necklaces, etc worth much more than this for my birthday or other holidays.
Wouldn't a husband be able to put out a little something for a ring I'd be wearing for the rest of my life with him? He went out and spent 1,000 dollars for a school trip for his son. How much would 200 dollars or 300 dollars really put him out for at least something sparkling on the band? I mean even after he spent over 25,000 dollars in a matter of months!
I tried not to be upset about the ring. I was really happy he did at least get me a ring.
We got married the following month. It wasn't anything like we had talked about at all. I know he isn't religious. He didn't want a church. He already did that with his ex-wife. But I did want to at least do something a little special for us. Like maybe get married at the nature park we first meet at or something. It wouldn't have cost much. Had someone that could marry us for less than 100 dollars. And we had talked about doing a BBQ/picnic like reception with extended family.
But we didn't do that. We got married before a judge.
My pregnancy (I'm still pregnant) has been hard. I've had severe morning sickness from the start. I've lost weight. I'm tired. I'm sore.
None of his other women were ever this way when pregnant. I know, he tells me often enough. His first wife cheated on him and had a few pregnancies by other men who he thought were his.
So he's been through this a lot. He also said she never took care of the kids (would leave them in ****ty diapers while he worked a full day shift and have him clean them when he got home), etc. His other fiancee didn't work either. And he expects me to work (the Dr gave me the release to go back to work part-time, with stipulations).
I don't get him off sexually anymore. He tells me that often enough. I was trying to give him a handjob cause he wanted one.. and I didn't even have my hand on him for more than 2 minutes before he pushed me away because I wasn't doing it right.
He's the only partner I've ever had. I've done what he showed me to do.. and what he said he likes. I don't give as good of blow jobs as so and so (another woman added to the list of ex-fiances.. I think she was number 2 or 3).
I'm 7 months pregnant and starting to show for real. I'm not as attractive as I was when we first got together. I don't turn him on. Porn does.
I can't ever get him to touch me the few and rare times he get sin the mood (after he was looking at porn). Its usually me getting him stimulated and ready, then he mounts me, cums, and its done. It hurts. I don't get off. I'm not really in the mood anymore.
I've begged him countless times to at least get me wet and ready before he does something. He rarely does. Or if he does its a few seconds and "your ready".
His brother lives with us and constantly tells me I'm not wanted or needed in the house. I feel like I don't belong here. He doesn't work and occupies a spot in the livingroom from the time he gets out of the bathroom till the time he goes to bed. He doesn't clean, he doesn't clean up after himself, hes a pig. He's rude and has nothing nice to say to me.
Yesterday, I was in the car with two of his relatives. They were talking about his ex-fiancee, one he never mentioned before, and how she had all sorts of problems with his live in brother. She had a nervous break down and left.
I can sympathize with her cause if she went through half of what I have, I can understand it. She had a place to go to, I don't. If I did, I don't think I'd be here or would have gotten married.
I even thought about saying no once he finally got me the ring and gave another date. The only reason I said yes was because I was pregnant and had no where else to go.
My husband would at least say things to his brother on behalf of his ex-fiance. But he can't on behalf of his wife. I was literally told I couldn't watch TV downstairs when my brother in law is taking a 2 hour **** in the bathroom and no one else is downstairs.
But hearing about once again... another woman in his past life upset me. A lot. He even got her a ring! His son mentioned about 6 other women that my husband never mentioned as partners and when his son pushed it, my husband was like "She's already pissed about so and so. Don't talk about this".
I feel like he lied to me. If I'd have known how many partners he really had (I still don't even know how many) I'd never have even dated him. It was completely contradictory of what he said about himself and the man I got to know when dating.
I just don't know where we are right now.
We haven't been intimate since he pushed me away for doing it wrong. He runs to his ex-wife for everything (he talks to her for 20 minutes so she can call the phone company and ask a question, I could just have easily done). He goes on and on how bad she is as a mom and never does anything for the kids.
For the 15+ years they have been divorced, she apparently had no connection with the kids for anything. But she is still the woman he goes to, to fix everything.
I don't think he really loves me. I don't think it would matter if I walked out of here today or tomorrow.
I love him. Its hurts to find out about all these other women and how he did more for them than he ever has for me. Once we started living together, we stopped going on dates. And to think of it, I don't think we really "dated" as a couple before. We just did things together with our families.
I don't know what to do.
Did I make a mistake?
I think I have. I have a new job I'm starting and its only temporary. I won't even be able to work the whole contract (they know) because of my upcoming due-date.
I don't think he loves me. The idea of being naked with him makes me want to puke. I can't help but think of the other women, who were supposed "Friends" he helped out in crisis, etc.
I wanted to be with one person in my life. Not a bunch of partners. I thought he was the one person, but now I don't know.
I don't know what to tell him if he does for some act of God does try to touch me. I don't want anything romantic with him. But he's my husband. Do I owe it to him?
I don't want to have any more kids with him. As much as I had dreams of a large family and 1 or 2 kids and a husband. I wish I was a stronger person and could just leave with my baby.
I don't think I can nor do I think I could support the two of us. How can I stay in this marriage and stop feeling hurt? How can I stop loving him and just get to a phase were I can have this baby, we both work, and live separate lives, but be there to support my daughter?
He even said he doesn't want to do any of the daddy things he did with all of the other children he was there for, for their birth. Cause he's tired of it and has done it enough its time for me to learn. He never said anything like this BEFORE we got together, or when we first talked of marriage. Had he? I'd have said no.
I'm just so worried.
I don't know what I can do.