Unhappy newlywed - what should I do?? Is it me? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 10-01-2010, 07:18 PM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Unhappy newlywed - what should I do?? Is it me?

I need advice please! I'm at my wit's end and keep worrying I'M the one with the problem and I'd love some impartial advice.

My husband and I have been married for less than a year (we lived together 2 years previously) He used to be caring, affectionate and generous. He's in his early thirties and has worked hard to forge a successful career in investment banking. I work too in an equally stressful role.

I feel that his attitude has changed since we married and he seems to be acting like he wants to be single again. We have had stresses since we married: he was made redundant a few months back. However, we've been through my redundancy previously which we coped with ok and he has a new good job too.

We've had 3 sessions with a relate marriage counsellor and he's admitted to:

Rebelling against being married and the responsibility that involves.
Taking out his disappointments out on me and being resentful and angry towards me.
Not acting like a proper husband towards me and acting inconsiderately.

His grievance against me are:

Apparently acting like his mother by trying to get him to moderate his drinking and trying to stop him being so selfish with how he wants to spend his time (running, cycling, events after work etc)

So anyway, 2 weeks ago during all the problems with our marriage. We're barely communicating and he decides to go on a previously booked stag-do to Magaluf for 5 nights. He didn't call me the whole time he was away. Instead, he TEXT me at 5pm the day before he was due to fly back to say:

"I've come to the conclusion that I can't allay your fears etc and that it is probably time we split - I am really sorry but I can't really fight your constant needs - what I can say is that you and me just don't get on and it's corrosive - I do love you but I feel so lonely xxx"

I then went to stay with a friend until he was back and came back home one night later after his many calls and 'sorrys'.

The first night I was back he was nice, affectionate and caring. He was hugging me, holding me, saying he loved me and was basically acting happy and grateful that I was back. He admitted he's acted badly towards me and hasn't been much of a husband since we married and he is willing to do anything so he doesn't lose me etc. I responded and have been nice and sweet back...no arguments or anything. This continued (being attentive and caring about what I think etc) until Sunday that is....

He went to his individual counselling session and came back as usual 'inside his shell' and not really wanting to go into what they discussed. He did tell me they talked about his dad (he committed suicide when he was 20), his drinking, the fact he hasn't treated me well and he told her he wanted to work through it.

I gave him the benefit of the doubt and didn't press him or hassle him. Monday and Tuesday nights he was detatched and not very chatty, he said he was tired and he went to bed earlyish both nights.

I was on a trip for work on Wednesday and I bought him nice expensive underwear and socks as a present. When he came back he opened his presents and was pleased. I was in the middle of watching a wedding reality tv show and he started making nasty comments like "at least his wife is a laugh", "she's not giving him a hard time", "oh, HE'S allowed to dress up on his stag" etc. I was upset with him saying these things especially after I'd bought him gifts and was beng nice.

I didn't even rise to the bait and throughout the programme he made about 5 barbed comments. I left the room and had a quiet cry in the bathroom, he didn't come to find me. Instead I went back in the room and calmly asked him why he thought it was ok to behave the way he had. Where is the 'trying' in all this from his side? He could see I'd been crying but he'd happily flicked the tv onto football...nice! He was just angry and said that the programme made him realise how annoying I'd been in the past. I told him I'd wiped my slate clean and forgiven him and why can't he drop the anger and resentment and move on.

Anyway, I left him to it and he did come to apologise after about 20 minutes and he admitted he was wrong. I told him his anger is not about me any more and he has to sort himself out and find out WHY he is like that.

I was very stressed and busy in work today and hadn't even had the time to get lunch! He'd emailed me 3 times during the day but I didn't have a chance to reply (which has happened before if I've had a big day on) So I call him when my meeting finished at 6.30pm, he didn't answer. I call him on the bus at 7.00, no reply. He called about 30 mins later to say he'd had one drink with work and he was leaving the bar to get the train home. I was annoyed because our agreement was to call eachother or text to say if we were doing anything after work out of courtesy and to reassure me if he was going out drinking to let me know when he'll be home.

He gets home and he's furious with me because I'm "giving him a hard time" and he's shouting "if I can't even have one f-ing drink on a friday night with my boss, then there's something f-ing wrong" he's going on and on and shouting. I'm biting my tongue and not raising my voice or shouting back (very difficult for me!) I just said I thought we had an agreement, he's chucking a tantrum and then he startes getting changed out of his work clothes and putting on jeans and socks. I said why are you getting changed again, he said he "had to get out of here, I can't handle you". He was shouting stuff like "I can't handle this s**t, I'm f-ing getting out of here, I don't need this, you're making my life a misery". He was acting all defiant, angry and p***** off. I asked him not to leave (he said he was going to call friend to stay at theirs). He calmed down eventually, ordered a pizza, put the golf on, ate it and went to sleep on the sofa at about 9.30.

I know he'd drunk more than 1 drink, he'd urinated 3 times in the 2 hours he was back. I asked him if he'd had more and he swore on his family's life. I know he's lying though.

I don't care about the 1 drink, I care that he didn't call and his attitude towards me when he came home.

Is this normal behaviour or is it me??? Am I being unreasonable? I'm seriously questioning myself here.

I'm so sad, I was hoping we'd turned a corner or at least holding hands and trying to turn the corner together. I'm 'trying' but it feels that I'm banging my head against a brick wall. I don't know what else to do.....

He was asleep on the sofa but he just came in called me a b**ch and I'm ruining the weekend. So he just walked out and slammed the door, swearing under his breath.

What can I do???? I just want him to be NICE to me so we can move on.

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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 10-02-2010, 04:50 PM
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Re: Unhappy newlywed - what should I do?? Is it me?


I can relate to how you are questioning yourself. I read your post last night and I saw many of the same behaviors in your husband that are in mine, which led me to think looking from the "outside-in." They're passive-aggressive behaviors. Perhaps you will find the below link as interesting as I have, which has me feeling and approaching things in a whole new way. I do not know your husband, but do I know that mine sure fits the bill on more than half and I am learning how to not fuel and feed his "passive-aggressive" behaviors...while I put myself back together.

Passive Aggressive Behavior - Passive Aggressive Behavior as Covert Abuse

Just a thought. I could be off, but I feel it's worth a peeksie. If it walks like a duck...
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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 02-16-2012, 12:03 PM
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Re: Unhappy newlywed - what should I do?? Is it me?

I could have written your post for you. Have things gotten better over the last couple of years? I know it's been a while, but hopefully you'll see this. I'd love to know this can get better. I'm also a newlywed, and this has been really hard.
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