orchidpug

We have been married for 9 years, and living away from our home country for 3 years. I gave up my career to move overseas as we transferred here for my husband's career.

Our marriage has had issues for several years, even before we moved but has slowly been getting worse. The main issues relate to poor communication and lack of intimacy.

I am my husband's second wife and he has two adult children from his first marriage. He has not spent much time with them and missed their years growing up.

He has always been very career/job focussed and loves what he does, but lately that is all he does.
One year ago I commented to him that there was no intimacy between us and he said to me I guess there isnt. His way of dealing with personal issues has been to not deal with them and block things, turn his mind off etc.

He realised this just before we were due to go away on a holiday to Europe. We agreed that we would go and try to have a good time. He spent the whole holiday not wanting to spend time with me, and I gave him space by going and doing my own thing but he had a terrible time and told me that he really didn't want to be with me.

Now he says he feels guilty as anything because we were in such a beautiful place and he was so miserable and that it meant I had a bad time.

Since then we have basically been separated under the one roof (12 months). I have travelled a bit on my own to give him space, and because he has such a busy high pressure job and can't get away a great deal. But he also buries himself in his work as this is all he has, and he admits this.

So in the past few days while he has been on holidays from work (public holiday) I asked him to talk again, as every time I do he says he doesn't want to or he is not ready. But basically he said he cannot go on like this any more and wants us to separate, and wants me to return to our home country.

He says he needs time alone to try to sort himself out because he is depressed about a second failed relationship and he is also depressed about his kids, but basically he is depressed, and does not have the same feelings for me as he used to.

Needless to say I am hurt, upset, sad, angry etc. because I am still in love with him and don't want this. He really is a beautiful, kind and loving person who always puts others before himself.

I also want to support him and help him but he does not want this. He refuses to go to counselling or talk to anyone about this.

It is extra hard being away from "home" although I am very unhappy about him wanting me to leave this country as I like living here and it is my new home (i have been here for 3 years).

Sorry this is so long-winded but hoping someone can offer something that I haven't already considered. I know I have to plan for the worst, and look after myself, and give him the space he needs but I feel really bad right now.

thanks for reading

Mrs. Knight

He realised this just before we were due to go away on a holiday to Europe. We agreed that we would go and try to have a good time. He spent the whole holiday not wanting to spend time with me, and I gave him space by going and doing my own thing but he had a terrible time and told me that he really didn't want to be with me.

Now he says he feels guilty as anything because we were in such a beautiful place and he was so miserable and that it meant I had a bad time.

It seems he is contradicting himself quite a bit. He wants to be happy, but does not want to change internally, so he wants to change situations externally by wanting you to leave, instead of changing his habits.

You do not have to go back home, that is not his choice, you are a couple, you are married which makes you one thing, no longer two singles.

Tell him you know that he doesn't want to talk or change, but you made a vow to him that through better or worse you'd love and cherish him till death, and you made a promise to him that you would stick with him through hardships. Now is not the time to go back on another commitment. Tell him you have faith in him, you love him, and you are not willing to give up on honoring your vows. You made a promise and you will fight to keep it. And from the way it sounds, you will need to hold tight because this is not going to be easy.

I'll be praying for you both.