I've been married for 6 years now, but a couple of months ago my wife decided she wanted to be alone. We just drifted apart after all the years and I didn't spend enough time with her.
She now says she no longer loves me, and that she felt very hurt and depressed. The sad part is I had no idea she felt this way until it happened because she never said anything about it.
She's been dragging me along the last couple of months to make sure that being on her own is what she wants. After a horrible roller coaster ride I think she's finally sure of it. I've told her i'd give her plenty of time to decide, but the pain of this is just too much anymore. Too make matters worse, she already has another roommate lined up who asked her out before he knew she was married.
I have no idea what to do anymore, I feel like i'm as close to being dead as I can be without actually being dead. Any suggestions would be most welcome.
Here is exactly what is going on, and exactly what you need to do:
1. She doesn't want to "be alone" and has never wanted to "be alone". She is having an affair, and wants to be with the affair man. This affair started months ago, exactly the same time "coincidentally" she is saying things like "I need space" or "I don't love you" etc etc etc. This is all smoke and mirrors to cover for her affair.
2. These things she has you believing, that "you didn't do this or that", or "it's "your fault", etc etc. For right now, don't believe a single word of it. Not one word. These things she is saying merely to make you go away, to disappear, to blame you for her infidelity, her lying, her cheating on you with this affair man. She says this because in her emotional "high" of the affair, you are the thorn in the side of her fantasy. These words she is using, right now pay them no heed. Understand this, until her affair is stopped, and I am talking stopped COLD, nothing in this universe will do any good to saving your marriage until she is out of the affair "fog" and clear headed to work on the reality of saving the marriage.
3. Get yourself together, and this means how you behave and act in front your woman. Be strong in front of her. This means just what it says, gather all your strength. Do not beg your woman, do not plead with your woman, do not cry to your woman for any reason at any time over this. It will do nothing to bring her back, and everything to drive her further into the arms of her affair man. Do only things to show your own strength, confidence, and integrity. Right now, locate a marriage councilor and set up an appointment for you and your woman immediately. Contact your woman with the date and time, and insist she goes. If she refuses, that is inconsequential, go yourself. And document this.
4. Confront her about the affair. Insist that it stops immediately and that she focus on saving the marriage. If that doesn't work, next step.
5. Confide in someone you both know and trust about her affair, and have them on your side in the name of saving your marriage, and together insist that the affair stop immediately and her focus on saving the marriage. If that doesn't work, next step.
6. Confide in many people you both know, including friends, your family, and her family. Tell everyone close to both of you that will listen, that you are the good man trying to save your marriage, and that your woman needs to come to her senses to leave this affair man, and focus on saving your marriage. Do this to expose the ugliness of her infidelity, to show the fantasy in her mind is really only something to be embarrassed and ashamed of. If this is ineffective, next step.
7. Contact a lawyer, and make it clear to your woman that you will to whatever it takes to either stop the affair cold, or divorce on YOUR TERMS with YOUR INTERESTS and in YOUR TIME with YOUR INTEGRITY fully in tact.
In this way, yes, it is clearly the route to divorce, and no this doesn't mean it absolutley will be divorce, but no matter at this point this route is what it takes to fight, and fight HARD for your woman.
Which is exactly what you must do.
Make it clear you are 10 times the man of her affair man. Instead, a 100 times the man.
Now is the time for action. Do NOT wait another second for your woman to call the shots, she already has a head start and is moving in the direction that is not good at all for you.
There are many other good men and women on this board that have been down this road, and will help you by far greater than myself. Listen to them, they can help.
While I did think at first that she could be having an affair, the guy that likes her is 22 years old, she is 42 and has never once lied to me that I know of.
She tells me all the time that she wants nothing to do with another man, and sincerely says she wants to be on her own. She said she's waited her with me to make sure she's making the right decision, but doesn't seem to want to commit to it because she knows how bad it hurts me.
She says she's never truly lived alone, this is her 3rd marriage, and she says she's tired of feeling responsible for other people.
The other really bad part is that I can hardly ever talk too her about any of this, she gets nervous and runs away. Sometimes she stays out all day to avoid any confrontation.
I've done everything I can do to save this marriage, and If I do move out I won't feel bad for not trying. It will however take me a long time to get over all of this because I'll still see her at work.
I'm kinda in your boat- my husband wants to "be alone" although he hasn't ever been alone for more than a month at a time since he was 16... I know he's burned out and going through some real issues, he's depressed and withdrawing. But you can't force someone to treat you like you deserve to be treated, you can only decide how long you'll put up with it.
My wife has said several times that she doesn't want to try and fix things, then I tell her im moving out in a month or so and she says she might come with me. She can't make up her mind and I'm sick of this roller coaster ride.
Hi. You probably don't want to hear what I have to say, as I am coming from the same position as ur wife.
First, I think BigBadWolf is completely wrong--I am not saying it's not a possibility, but from my perspective--that is just being conceited--a marriage is supposed to be give and take--on both parties.
I can tell you that I have been married to my husband for 14 yrs (this month), and have been feeling like I want to be alone for yrs now. The reason I haven't said/done anything about it? Well, for one--who wants to give up on something that is supposed to be the best thing in ur life? Second, we have 3 kids that I don't want to mess up for the rest of their lives. Third, I am very passive and non-confrontational--and probably have been in denial to myself about how unhappy I have been. He is a good person, but I think I married for the wrong reasons, and am finally admitting it to myself. Would it be nice to be with someone else? Yes--if that would make me happy, but when I say I want to be alone--it's to work on me.
My advice to you is this: Ask why she isn't happy with you, and you may not be happy with the answer, but who wants to live with someone who doesn't love you the way you deserve? Don't automatically assume she is having an affair. If she still loves you, maybe time will help her get straight, or it will give both of you a chance to figure out what makes you happy.