It's been 11 days now since my husband choked me during one of our fights. I've been slowly giving away my belongings and stashing clothes, money, a back up cell phone and extra car keys at a friend's house. My mother, 500 miles away, is waiting with open arms to support me and help me out of this mess.
My friends at church want me to try one last thing. They know I can't openly discuss the abuse with my husband but they want me to try writing him a letter. They say the letter should tell him that I love him and that I'm leaving for my own safety and well being but that I am open to the possibility of reconciliation if he can take responsibility for his own behavior and make a commitment to changing.
I'm struggling with what to put in this letter. I want to hold him accountable but not come off with an accusatory tone. That would just make him defensive and more angry. Has anyone else written this kind of letter? What works and what doesn't?
"Choking" someone is more accurately called "strangulation" and it's about as close to homicide as one can get without leaving a dead body behind. Matter-of-fact, when I investigate domestic violence complaints and someone has strangulation marks on their neck, I charge the other party with attempted murder. You don't need to slowly pack or write any explanation letters. If I tried to kill someone, I would understand if they didn't want to hang out with me. I wouldn't assume it's because I left dirty socks on the floor.
Your friends at church weren't strangled, wondering if they wouldn't get another breath or not. If the deadly mechanism had been a machete or a gun instead of his hands, would your letter be the same? Dead is dead. You don't want to be accusatory to someone who literally held your life in their hands and threatened to end it? You have to be kidding. If you lived in my town, I'd have you come to the P.D. and make a report. I'd accuse him for you and charge him with the felonies he's earned.
I think your friends may be giving you bad advice. If he seriously choked you and hasn't gotten help, then a simple letter that says "You choked me. Stay away from me" should be almost enough. The final part is to notify the authorities. It is likely that your leaving will be more emotional for him than whatever led up to this fight, and you need to make sure you are safe during this time.
"Choking" someone is more accurately called "strangulation" and it's about as close to homicide as one can get without leaving a dead body behind. Matter-of-fact, when I investigate domestic violence complaints and someone has strangulation marks on their neck, I charge the other party with attempted murder. You don't need to slowly pack or write any explanation letters. If I tried to kill someone, I would understand if they didn't want to hang out with me. I wouldn't assume it's because I left dirty socks on the floor.
Your friends at church weren't strangled, wondering if they wouldn't get another breath or not. If the deadly mechanism had been a machete or a gun instead of his hands, would your letter be the same? Dead is dead. You don't want to be accusatory to someone who literally held your life in their hands and threatened to end it? You have to be kidding. If you lived in my town, I'd have you come to the P.D. and make a report. I'd accuse him for you and charge him with the felonies he's earned.
Ive only lurked until I saw THIS.
With that said: I may very well be out of line here and if so I am very sorry to both members and admin. However, I am compelled to reply to this member out of pure fear for her safety.
A: With friends like yours, who needs enemies. HORRIBLE ADVICE. You would be better off NOT listening to ANYONE if that is your pool of support resources.
B: Best Watch that mouth! BETTER OFF keeping your mouth shut around town about this issue. Especially considering YOU DIDN'T PROSECUTE. He could own you for defamation of character for the things you're running around town sharing with congregations and ANYONE else that will listen. ALL you're accusing him of... has NO merit. Short of you 'saying so' - no merit or credibility is afforded to you. 'Your word against mine' doesn't work in court. I would ZIP IT. Fast. Especially if youre in the US.
IF SOMEONE CHOKES YOU - YOU L E A V E. PERIOD - you dont write notes - YOU WRITE DIRECTIONS!!!!!!
A human CAN NOT choke another human WITHOUT the risk of DEATH. Its not possible to choke someone knowing 'this wont kill them'. Ask all the wife murders locked up... they never thought THAT would kill her! But that did! All he has to do is ACCIDENTALLY hold a tad bit LONGER OR a tad bitTIGHTER and you would be DEAD today.
You should consider yourself lucky! I wish my man had the nads to lay a hand on me - then I wouldn't... like so many here... be fighting with whether or not I SHOULD LEAVE.
Your decisions MADE whether you want to leave or not. You have to. Period. Or when he does kill you - your loving mother can blame ONLY YOU for staying around writing notes. After all, we know he isn't right in the head. So that leaves you being the one of sound mind and body to make decisions. You are solely responsible for your actions.
HE DECIDED YOUR FAITH the moment he put his hands around your throat. Your church ASSOCIATES are not your FRIENDS. These lamers want to squeeze this for all the drama they can make come into fruition. A NOTE? Are you serious? Did you suffer brain damage at the hands of this assault?
You would HAVE TO HAVE suffered something to even be considering this. You owe him NOTHING. You would look and be foolish to extend this 'note' to that abuser.
Are you packed yet? Car started? Then what are you waiting for!? The sooner, the better. As he has left with no NO OTHER CHOICE.
If this is harsh - I somewhat apologize HOWEVER, sometimes people are seeing so blindsided that a bit of tough love is what it takes to slap some SENSE into them. All said with compassion - love and in hopes this is received as I intended. Its not meant to be 'nice' but certainly not meant to be mean. Not spoken with a 'tone' other than: WHAT ARE YOU EVEN THINKING!!!???
"He choked me - but there are no marks." Strangulation has only recently been identified as one of the most lethal forms of domestic violence. When perpetrators use strangulation to silence their victims, this is a form of power and control that has a devastating psychological effect on victims and a potentially fatal outcome.
plymouth71,
Please leave. :[
There's no letter needed PERIOD. You don't need closure. You got it when he touched you. I wish I could instill the confidence needed for you to leave but you need to just GO.
Well, another day has passed and I've been able to keep the peace at home. In spite of all the wise words here and in another post I made, I'm still here. Maybe I have no self preservation instinct. I just think to myself, I can't leave now, next week is his birthday. I couldn't break his heart on his birthday. Then it will be Thanksgiving and he always tells me how thankful he is for me so I don't want to take myself away from him. Then it will be Christmas and only someone really heartless would leave their spouse at Christmas.
I'm sorry. I feel like I've wasted this forum and this community's time. Posted via Mobile Device
Bless your heart! How thankful did he seem when his hands were around your throat? Why celebrate a man's birthday when he was threatening to end all of yours? Your situation is serious and certainly dire enough to justify screwing up Thanksgiving, birthdays, St. Patrick's day, Christmas, 4th of July, Halloween, President's Day, Veteran's Day, and Memorial Day plus all those that end in "y". If his birthday is a downer because he decided to strangle his spouse, that's on him and nobody else. Thanksgiving with you in the ground and he in prison probably wouldn't be much fun, either. We don't all get second chances.
I have read your post and I agree with the advice you have been given. Your instinct to flee is right, and you are taking the right steps, with regards to stashing money having a phone etc. Your church friends are not advising you well, if anything they are putting you at further risk. Your husband tried to strangle you, this is very serious and the impression I got from your post is that you know this too. I think you need to get some proper advice, from people who deal with domestic violence, not people from your church. I would also be very cautious about how much you disclose, the less people know, the less risk of your husband finding out.
Although your intention to give your husband a warning letter is honourable, your husband, by virtue of his behaviours, is not on your level. He is not a rational person, or at least, his behaviour is irrational. The chances are that he will see it, the letter, as humiliation, and this could have serious repercusions for you and your safety. I don't think your husband will receive the letter in the way it has been intended.
Please, please, please seek professional help. Resume your escape plan, but do so safely. Finally, you deserve better than this and I hope you will be ok
Well, another day has passed and I've been able to keep the peace at home. In spite of all the wise words here and in another post I made, I'm still here. Maybe I have no self preservation instinct. I just think to myself, I can't leave now, next week is his birthday. I couldn't break his heart on his birthday. Then it will be Thanksgiving and he always tells me how thankful he is for me so I don't want to take myself away from him. Then it will be Christmas and only someone really heartless would leave their spouse at Christmas.
I'm sorry. I feel like I've wasted this forum and this community's time. Posted via Mobile Device
You haven't wasted anyone's time--you've gotten one step stronger. Being able to leave is all about steps and look how far you got this time. You had a great plan in place with the money, the phone, your mom....you know how to do all of this when you're ready!
On average it takes 7 times before a woman leaves an abusive relationship for good, so you're just another step closer. We'd just all like to see you safe and out of there, especially given the way things have escalated. When it goes from not letting you leave, to out-and-out life threatening assault, that's huge. I really hope you take everyone's concern seriously.
We all think you're worth saving and just want so badly for you to feel that way too!
I'd say too, while you're thinking about HIS birthday and Thanksgiving and all...think about this too:
Think about a new "birthday" for you: the day you start a brand new life with brand new dreams and goals that are all your own.
Think about your own "Thanksgiving": where you're thankful for a home that's safe and quiet, where you don't have to "keep the peace".
Think about a truly Merry Christmas: where celebrating with friends and family is all you have to do--no managing anyone else's feelings or expectations or moods, just doing what you want to do with whoever you want to do it with.
Think about a truly Merry Christmas: where celebrating with friends and family is all you have to do--no managing anyone else's feelings or expectations or moods, just doing what you want to do with whoever you want to do it with.
This made me perk up... wow that's an amazing thought. I know I'd love to have this again.
I was once in a similiar situation when my ex husband threatened to punch me during a routine argument. I know how hard it is to leave. After he threatened me, I stayed for another two years building up the courage before I finally left. And I did leave a note.
What helped me was to keep replaying all the awful things my ex was doing to me and focusing on those to help me remember why I was leaving him. That is what gave me resolve. When you love someone, you tend to focus on the good things and forgive the bad, as it sounds like you are doing. That's normal when you love. But your husband has choked you - he is NOT normal and this is NOT a normal situation. You cannot give him more chances to do this to you. The longer you stay, the more he will think he can get away with. You are in danger w/him and leaving is the right thing. Focus on the bad things he has done and tell yourself you CAN NOT stay to put up with it.
One last thing. I believe in God and in Jesus Christ. However I will tell you what my Mom told me. She said church people will always tell you to stay in your marriage. You can't listen to them. Church people are invested in the sanctity of marriage, but they aren't always thinking of what's best for you. I'm sure they mean well, but you are the one living your life. Remember, they are still just people and can make mistakes too.
Thanks everyone. I want to let you all know that I have been seeking help from a psychiatrist, psychologist, counselor and women's anger management group. Some of my previous posts are about MY "abuse" of my husband and that's why I'm in so many services but I'm starting to see more clearly and letting my mental health team know the score.
Something else I'm really struggling with is the feeling that I didn't just marry my husband, I married his parents, his family, his friends, etc. They would never believe that my husband is capable of any of this and in fact when I tried to talk to his mother about some of our problems she just about flat out told me I was imagining things. How do I cope with the shame of betraying his community, the community that welcomed me despite my different religion, socio-economic status, etc? These people made us a wedding, gave us gifts, invested their belief in us. I feel so hopelessly guilty. Posted via Mobile Device
Writing a "Last Chance" letter 
