I feel like all the love is gone, how to know for sure? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 10-12-2010, 01:18 PM Thread Starter
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I feel like all the love is gone, how to know for sure?

I posted this originally in the coping with infidelity subforum, about a month ago but things are not even close to being better, and i feel like ive decided on divorce...but Im just looking for some more insight, maybe someone can relate?

heres my story...Im looking for thoughts and insights, advice or whatever...

H and i have always fought over his use of online porn. for years. over and over i would tell him to stop doing it, that it was hurting me, and our marriage... and he would say that he was going to stop. but then pretty soon i would find more, would find the history erased or whatever. ugh. so that has always been an issue for us. after a while i kinda had to just let it go as kind of a guy thing but it still pissed me off that he couldnt stop even though it continued to hurt me and our marriage.

THEN, about 3 years ago now... i found that he had made a profile on an online dating website, actively trying to find someone to cheat on me with. It said as much in his profile. I found it by complete accident... i was really devastated. he told me he did it one night when we were arguing, was sorry, that nothing came of it, etc. at the time, I really thought, okay...we can get through this. I was so pissed at him, but we worked through things, and were working on building trust back up and all that. i thought things were getting better, and although i still thought about it, I really thought that we could deal without going to marriage counseling, but mostly I was embarrassed. I didnt want to tell anyone because I was afraid they would judge him and judge me for being able to forgive him. I kept it to myself and i know now that was a mistake. I should have went to counseling with him then. I should have faced my feelings instead of burying them.

we moved on with life. things werent great but they werent terrible. I still had trust issues but i figured they would get better with time. we had lots of fights about it but they got to be less and less. about a year ago we had a baby girl.

about 2 months or so ago, i found out that H has been smoking behind my back for months. hes been hiding it from me and lying about it. I was so mad i couldnt even see. then the anger wore off and i found myself at ground zero. i feel like he's done it again. he's lied to me, and disrespected all of the work we've done to try to build trust again. I didnt expect this, but everything has come back up for me, all the stuff from before, all the times he's let me down. I feel like i can finally see clearly all the times he's hurt me.

we are in counseling. In counseling, i have found out that he lied when he told me that he was only smoking when he drinks, but basically smoking all the time, and ALSO that the whole online dating profile being one night while we were fighting thing was actually going on for 6 months. so he still cant get it right, still cant tell me the whole truth.

thats not even to mention all the little lies he's told me over the years, about anything. he lies a lot. Also, he has a habit of staying up really late on the weekends drinking/playing games/watching movies, and then sleeping in reaaaaally late the next day. he did this while i was pregnant, and also after the baby was born. It got to the point where I told him that if he wanted to continue that behavior, he could get his own apt. it has gotten waay better, but he has had a few slipups since then.

I feel like i want a divorce. i really feel that i do. I cant trust him, and i have no clue how to move forward in a relationship where i dont trust him. i would even go so far as to say that i feel like im not even sure if i love him anymore. He knows all of this. He wants to stay together and he wants to work through this. I keep getting hung up on the fact that we've gone through this. it didnt stop him from lying again, whats to stop him from lying in the future? I just feel so tired of all of this, of all the trying. Im so unhappy with him now...and i dont know what to do. I keep thinking of how much happier i would be if i didnt have to be in the same house with him. and I also feel sad thinking that maybe our daughter wont grow up with a family . but then i think - do i want her to think that its ok to have to live with no trust and just put up with stuff? and then I think of what my family would say - how disappointed they'd be because they think you should always just work it out. i feel like i tried to do that and i feel like its not working.

I feel like love, faith, and trust are all connected and kinda the same thing. I feel like its all gone. does it ever come back? will i ever be able to be happy with him again? (i know you guys can tell me that, really but maybe someone has a similar story) any insights or advice?

Last edited by wherenext; 10-12-2010 at 01:22 PM.
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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 10-12-2010, 01:43 PM
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Re: I feel like all the love is gone, how to know for sure?

All I can tell you is that you cannot force it to come back. I have been trying for months and am more frustrated now than I ever was.

And the worst part is that our son (20) leaves in January for the AF...daughter (17) is heading off to college and she has a one-year-old grandson whom I adore. Neither child wants much to do with their father, and my grandson is not allowed to be around him because of the suspicion of illegal behavior.

It is just turmoil and discord and makes me anxious and miserable every time I walk in the door. I stayed for the kids...and by doing so I drug them through the mud.
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 10-16-2010, 05:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I feel like all the love is gone, how to know for sure?

thanks for the reply. Ive told him that im settled on divorce but he's asking for just some time. I know that I should, for my daughter's sake, at least give it a try but I just dont think I CAN! I don't feel love, attraction (actually I cringe when/if he tries to touch me), or any desire to stay with him. Im just all tapped out.

I have been getting some feedback of people telling me that Im being selfish, and that Im going to ruin my daughter's life. It makes me feel awful and second guess everything, but I feel like I'd be resigning myself to a lifetime of unhappiness. I wish there was a way to know for SURE SURE so that I could know what the right choice is. all I can go on is what I think/feel right now.

I am sooo frustrated with all this back and forth. I can say for sure that I havent had any feelings of feeling like we could TRULY make this work in the last couple months. maybe im just being negative?

Last edited by wherenext; 10-16-2010 at 10:29 PM.
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 10-16-2010, 07:54 PM
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Re: I feel like all the love is gone, how to know for sure?

Please ignore people who tell you will ruin your daughter's life. There is much research on this topic and staying in a dysfunctional family is worse than a divorce handled properly. Unfortunately, your daughter will find out in her own time that her dad is a liar--but if you show her how to live a full and happy life (and get counseling so you can really do that!), she will cope with the reality of his unreliability much better. We all have to learn that some people simply cannot be trusted. It's much harder when it's a parent we have to learn that about, but she may find a way to love him WITH his flaws (as she should), and that will resolve her struggle in a beautiful way. (She'll learn to love him w/o depending on him, if you help her now and support her in the future--yourself and with counseling for her, too, as she tries to grapple with the situation, probably somewhere in her teens/early adulthood).

If you cringe at his touch, things have gone pretty far. Please, keep getting counseling to help you at this juncture, no matter what you decide. Good luck!
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 10-16-2010, 10:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I feel like all the love is gone, how to know for sure?

sisters, thank you for your reply. wow I never even thought about him lying to HER! I mean, right now she's only 14 months old, but I can imagine that when she gets older, daddy will probably let her down...wow. thats a totally new thought.

thank you for your support. I know that things are pretty bad. we aren't sleeping in the same room anymore and I am SO RELIEVED about that. I do cringe even at the thought of him touching me. I find myself shrinking back when i think he might touch me. its a really bad feeling but involuntary too!
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