Ok, I'm completely new at this so please be patient with me. I've never talked on any kind of forum before and am not really sure what to expect. I'm not really sure if I'm posting correctly. Here goes nothing!
My story is long and encompases a great deal of sadness, stress, loneliness and defeat. I'm at a point where I think I might be better off without my husband but don't want to throw it all away if there is any chance of things improving.
I'm not a quitter, never have been.
There's just so much I don't really know how to start. I don't want to bore anyone but feel I need some insight. Time is also an issue (almost non existant for me). I may have to post in bits.
Bottom line is I'm tired. I feel like I'm twice my age and used up. There is no joy to life anymore. Every part of me has been taken away. A 72 to 80 hour work week is not uncommon to me. I miss my girls, neglect myself, my house is a mess and have no relationship with my husband. I am so tired I can only think about getting by one day at a time. When I go to bed I pray I can rest in my sleep and wake up with enough energy to get me through another day. One of the biggest sources of stress is the financial burden my husband has placed on me. That, and the many things he has done over the past 17 years to destroy my trust in him. Two years ago my doctor told me that if I didn't slow down I will have a heart attack. Since then my stress load has tripled and chest pains are becoming the norm.
I don't want to upset my kids, they are what I live for. But now am worried I might not be there for them if things continue this way. I don't know what to do. Can anyone give me a little insight? Maybe I need to be told to be stronger and pull up my socks and try better. That's what I tell myself...If I can just work harder or faster maybe then I can have some time...with my family, or to rest. I'm lucky if I get a 5 minute break in the day.
The thing that is defeating is that the more I work to try to get us ahead, behind my back he's sinking us twice as fast. When I confront him on this he gets extremely angry and yells in front of the kids. I can't keep up the pace much longer and am scared of what will happen if I can't keep up my income. I'm also trying to take care of my ill mother who has needed many trips to doctors since her house burnt down last August and did I mention I'm building her a new house and have been dealing with her insurance company for the past 11 months.
I own 3 business, one umbrella I share with my husband, one I started and gave to my husband and one I bought using the equity from a house I purchased before meeting my husband.
I told you this was going to be long. This is only the tip of the ice. I really should close for now, I'm sure I'm putting all of you to sleep. I won't expect a reply but it sure would be nice to not feel so alone.
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 2,459
Re: overwhelmed
You are not alone and thank you for posting. I hope we can be of help. You are in a very serious situation that needs to be addressed. Working 80 hour a week for extended periods of time is not healthy for anyone. Add the stress of not spending quality time with you children and an unsupporting spouse and you have a recipe for disaster. First off you need to watch out for your own health. “Pulling your socks up” is not the right answer. It will just get you dead quicker. Communicating with your husband is the first step. You need to make him realize just how physically drained you are and that this is effecting your health. There are a lot of issues that need to be addressed. Your budget, his spending habits, the kids wellbeing, health of your marriage….. I believe you will need professional help in addressing these things but time and money are short for you. Are any of the business marketable to bring in some short term cash while you try to slow down? How much effort does your husband put in to help support the family? Does he help around the house? Based on your post you are definately overwhelmed and may need to take this in small steps but the first priority needs to be your own health. Find a way to slow down and spend time with your kids. They can be a great source of therapy.
__________________
Amp
Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.
It sounds like a bucket with a hole in it. You can try to put more in, but it will eventually fall through the hole if you don't fix it first. Start with your husband. Make arrangements for your kids so you can have a serious heart to heart with him. He needs to understand how overwhelmed you are. He will either step up or he won't. You can only control what you do going forward and continuing at this pace or increasing it isn't the answer. Take inventory of every aspect of your life that is pulling you in all directions and make some changes that will buy you some relief, I know, easier said than done.
I have been there before. I changed jobs (took a cut in pay) to a work from home, less demanding position and honestly feeling like I'm now retired compared to my life before and I know my kids appreciate having more of my time now than how many stock options I have or how large my 401k is.
Thank you so much for your replies. It means a lot to know I can talk to someone. I tried to post this last night but couldn't get at the computer. My husband was on playing games until the wee hours. When I got up at 6:00 to try again, he was on there again, or still. Did I mention he may have a problem in this area? This is a common occurance. One night he didn't come home from work, said he was caught up in a game and forgot the time.
His forgetfullness has always caused problems in our marriage. That's another one of my stresses; reminding him of what he needs to do each day as he is constantly forgetting. He keeps telling me to remind him but I really have enough on my mind already, it's hard to keep track of his responsibilities too. And whenever we have a serious discussion and/or make important decisions; the next day he will swear we never even talked.
Yes, I have sat down with him and had a heart to heart, I thought, but nothing seems to stick. He will be understanding and helpful for a couple days and then all is forgotten. I think it is too much work for him, or he literally forgets. We've been married for nearly 18 years and he finally started helping out a little around the house about 2 years ago. He does however make sure that everyone knows he is helping with my job. It really makes me feel bad and a failure that I can't do it myself. I basically feel like I'm failing as a mother and housewife.
He says he loves me and cares about me but don't actions speak louder than words? When I tell him I'm worn out and I need him to step up and take some of the weight off my shoulders he gets angry and says he's doing the best he can. Maybe he is. The difference between us is that I do whatever it takes, no matter what. If he doesn't pay the bills, and I know he won't, then I have to. I know this and that is why I have to make sure I work hard enough to make it happen. I know he relies on this.
I'm too tired to start over if we should lose everything and feel stuck in a hard place. I agree I can't go on like this but what can I do?
About the business, I'm trying to sell some of it now. I've just recently found out he has used every bit of credit he could from every account or credit card he had. He even maxed out my business' overdraft. He's a month late with our house payment and 5 months late with his business loan. Whenever I talk to him about our finances he says everything is fine and there is nothing to worry about.
My nerves couldn't take it anymore so I took away his credit card and my company cards and put some cash in his wallet so he wouldn't get stuck. He got really angry and wouldn't talk to me for 2 days. I don't know what else to do. Now he keeps borrowing my bank card.
I want to slow down, I need to. I know it so much it hurts. But what can I do to stop him from taking us down? I would like to just quit right now and spend time with my girls. I'm so tired I just want some peace. Someplace quiet, just to rest.
I hate talking this way about him. I just need some outside thoughts. I keep hearing the same things from my mother, that he doesn't care, he's a liar, can't be trusted, he's going to kill me with this stress. I know she loves me but hearing this all the time I'm not sure I'm thinking clearly anymore. Am I over reacting or being unreasonable? Should I be supporting him more? Should I just let go and let the chips fall where they may?
I really appreciate your comments Amplexor and Swedish. Thank you. I'm going to try to take some small steps like you suggessted. I will make a doctor's appt for next month and I will attempt to take half the day off tomorrow to spend with my girls.
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 2,459
Re: overwhelmed
I believe you have every right to speak of him as you have. He is displaying a boat load of bad behavior in your marriage. I applaud him for trying to help out in the house more but to make himself the martyr and you the slug is BS. My guess also is that he could be doing a lot more to help out if you are working that many hours and he’s pissing away time on video games. I think you should take your mother’s words as truth and I believe you have taken them to heart based on your comments here. It doesn’t sound like he needs more support but less. You give and give, he takes and takes. It sounds like it is way past time for him to pull up his boot straps and get control of things. Get his spending and finances under control. Pay more attention to you, his children and his life and not spend wasted hours on computer games. You deserve a lot better than this and I hope he realizes that. Continue tell him how you feel. Try writing him a letter or email to explain in depth. Seek counseling for your marriage and your financial situation. Best of luck and slow down. We’d like to see you around here in the future.
__________________
Amp
Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.
I am reading everthing you wrote and I completly understand what you are goimg thur but if you said that your girls mean the world to you think about this ,if you are completly stressed out and work so hard it gives you a heart attack what world are you leavinmg your girls to live a world with a dad they cant count on? You need to slow down a little and please remember all the money can never bring back your life if you should die today from all that stress.I am hope my words arent to harsh i just want you to think a little bit
Thank you Amplexor and Mrs. Negestie for your support and encouragement. My 10:45 is late so I wanted to reply while I have a chance. Maybe I'm not being too hard on him after all. I will continue to try get him to take some responsibility and be accountable for his own actions. He does need to grow up, you're right. I can't keep this up. If he could just put down his coffee cup which seems to be glued to his hand and roll up his sleeves once in a while I could maybe find some time to breathe.
I would like to think I deserve better than this but thought I should just count my blessings and live with it. I thought I could do a lot worse. At least he can be very nice at times, the only problem is I can't trust it. All I think about is what does he want, what kind of trouble has he gotten into now? You're right, it would be nice if he could give me a little sincere attention too, for the past few years it's been zilch. I had almost forgotten this was even something I should have.
I will take your comments to heart and put as much effort into this as I can, one step at a time. I spoke with him this morning about his finances and sitting down together and making a budget. He said that would be fine, but he just doesn't have time for that. This is what he usually says when he wants to avoid something so I will carry on by myself and go through the books and see what I can do. He doesn't like this but I don't care anymore, something has to be done, now.
My girls are my life and I can't chance leaving him to take care of them if something should happen to me.
I will also write that letter you spoke of Amplexor. Even if I don't give it to him, maybe I can use it to put things into better perspective and talk to him about it.
Thank you again, having someone to talk about this to objectively has given me hope.
overwhelmed
