Considering a divorce, not sure how to approach her
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Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 10-25-2010, 05:24 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Considering a divorce, not sure how to approach her

I am considering divorcing my wife after almost 15 years of marriage. We have grown amiably apart since the birth of our only child. I donít think either one of us is truly happy now. I feel tremendous guilt considering a divorce as I know it will significantly impact my daughter and I currently provide 100% of our income (which she will have a very hard time replacing). I donít have any animosity towards her, but I donít want to be in a loveless marriage for another 10 years. I donít know how to approach this with her. Unfortunately I am becoming a little self-destructive lately (things I wonít go into). I think something will eventually give if I donít get a grip on thingsÖ Any advice?
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Old 10-25-2010, 09:17 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Considering a divorce, not sure how to approach her

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I am considering divorcing my wife after almost 15 years of marriage. We have grown amiably apart since the birth of our only child. I donít think either one of us is truly happy now. I feel tremendous guilt considering a divorce as I know it will significantly impact my daughter and I currently provide 100% of our income (which she will have a very hard time replacing). I donít have any animosity towards her, but I donít want to be in a loveless marriage for another 10 years. I donít know how to approach this with her. Unfortunately I am becoming a little self-destructive lately (things I wonít go into). I think something will eventually give if I donít get a grip on thingsÖ Any advice?
Yes, screw your courage to the sticking post, recognize if you divorce you'll be paying alimony and child support for many years, and if you still want divorce, read on.

First consult a good attorney, especially one who emphasizes mediation, sit when you are told the cost, then find a place to live, sign a lease, furnish it if necessary, moving personal possessions prior to your move.

As this point you have a couple of choices, emotionally easiest in some ways is ask your atty for file for divorce, move out before the papers are served, and wait of s*** to hit fan.

You could try marriage counseling, bring up divorce in a neutral office, and move into your apartment that evening.

You could sit down with your w and tell her - don't go into reasons, I have been burnt and turned around by talking reasons - you want a divorce, she needs to talk to the atty. Prepare to live in your apartment from now on, staying at home can lead to pleas to table divorce, if you're a softie like me you will listen.

I can't emphasize how difficult living at home will be after you raise divorce with your w. If you feel bad now, just wait, you are a nice guy in all likelihood, I speak from experience.

Good luck,

Mark
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Old 10-25-2010, 09:26 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Considering a divorce, not sure how to approach her

Why don't you love her anymore? What happened? What made it loveless? Love doesn't just die. It is a slow and painful killer of marriage. Just so you know, nobody grows "amiably" apart. It is a choice to let something die. Is this so beyond repair that no matter what, the two of you can no longer be together?
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Old 10-25-2010, 09:26 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Considering a divorce, not sure how to approach her

Is there a reason you wouldn't try counselling? Is this a situation that greater effort/commitment on both your part could potentially solve? Most people don't grow "amiably" apart. Was it really amiable? Or more quietly, resentfully giving up.


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I am considering divorcing my wife after almost 15 years of marriage. We have grown amiably apart since the birth of our only child. I donít think either one of us is truly happy now. I feel tremendous guilt considering a divorce as I know it will significantly impact my daughter and I currently provide 100% of our income (which she will have a very hard time replacing). I donít have any animosity towards her, but I donít want to be in a loveless marriage for another 10 years. I donít know how to approach this with her. Unfortunately I am becoming a little self-destructive lately (things I wonít go into). I think something will eventually give if I donít get a grip on thingsÖ Any advice?
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Old 10-26-2010, 12:17 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Considering a divorce, not sure how to approach her

Everyones advice seems so questionably specific, I think its great questions to ask regarding "growing amiably apart" its a great catch and feel i am int he same boat. i might have to ask that question to my husband too and see what the response is.
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Old 10-26-2010, 06:16 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Everyones advice seems so questionably specific, I think its great questions to ask regarding "growing amiably apart" its a great catch and feel i am int he same boat. i might have to ask that question to my husband too and see what the response is.
Shelly

I think a lot of marriages die a slow death, partners "growing amiably apart" if lucky, "angrily apart" if not, but eventually reaching a point where at best they are roommates and parents. Careers, kids, financial distress, illness, in-laws, parents - all of these make for more separation, the seven year itch is apparently real, and if the couple gets through the seventh year, they start another cycle.

Marriage is not easy, I for sure don't understand it, a contractual relationship for much of human history has become a romance novel. What do we have as examples of behavior - actors and actress with more money than brain cells playing musical beds every few years, their beautiful faces surrounding every grocery store checkout lane, rich men divorcing wives, replacing them with arm candy, all of us driven to be happy, successful, sexy.

Differences in libido happen all the time, the high libido partner feels rejected, is unsatisfied, the low libido spouse feels called upon to have sex way too often.

I'm willing to bet in a lot of these cases there is some talk about unmet needs and wants, one partner will say "I'll change" or react angrily. More often than not the changes don't last long and sooner or later one or both are confiding in friends - "I want a divorce".

I have no idea how this can be avoided. I'm in a boat, w is in a different boat, we are going in different directions. Ahead and behind my boat, I see other boats, each with one person aboard, some are going in circles.
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Old 10-26-2010, 09:40 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Considering a divorce, not sure how to approach her

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Shelly

Ahead and behind my boat, I see other boats, each with one person aboard, some are going in circles.
*raises hand* I'm in one of those "circling" boats!
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Old 10-26-2010, 09:43 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Considering a divorce, not sure how to approach her

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I am considering divorcing my wife after almost 15 years of marriage. We have grown amiably apart since the birth of our only child. I donít think either one of us is truly happy now. I feel tremendous guilt considering a divorce as I know it will significantly impact my daughter and I currently provide 100% of our income (which she will have a very hard time replacing). I donít have any animosity towards her, but I donít want to be in a loveless marriage for another 10 years. I donít know how to approach this with her. Unfortunately I am becoming a little self-destructive lately (things I wonít go into). I think something will eventually give if I donít get a grip on thingsÖ Any advice?
I started out asking for a seperation....b/c I'm not 100% sure...ok 110% sure I should say. My heart and head are battling....my child enters my mind. So.....the only advise I have is to prepare yourself...seek an attorney, read and research. Seek therapy and good luck to you!
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Old 10-26-2010, 09:46 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Considering a divorce, not sure how to approach her

Thinktoomuch: I can totally see what you are saying.... I wish my husband had told me about the way he was feeling 2 yrs ago when he first started getting the feelings....I feel like things would have been different, we could have fought for this marriage and grown together... Ims cared that him waiting this long and passing on that there is nothing wrong really killed our marriage (although we never really had problems or fought....we were each others side kick- I believe)

He is already wanting to get on another boat but leaving slowly while I am seeing open boats with no oen in them and thinking....maybe I should just get on another one since he has been saying for the last month that he wants out and he is done.
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Old 10-26-2010, 06:19 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I think a lot of marriages die a slow death, partners "growing amiably apart" if lucky, "angrily apart" if not, but eventually reaching a point where at best they are roommates and parents.
This is a good description of where we are atm. We have grown in two seperate directions where if we were to have met for the first time a today it would have gone no where. We are no longer intimate in any way. We don't even hug or kiss each other goodbye. We never even say the obligatory "I love you". Which is okay with me because I don't really feel the desire to do those things with her anymore. We are basically roommates with a division of labor raising a child. We do spend time together on weekends, movies, restaruants etc... but I usually would rather be doing something else. I don't think this is what a marriage should be even at the 15-year mark. I think my biggest fear is that I am afraid to be alone since I have always had someone there. I'm already filled with regret for something I haven't even done yet. Although I don't know if it is really regret or not. I think I may be rambling now... Anyways thanks for the help. This is the very first time I've discussed this with anyone even if anonymously. I'm hoping it will help.
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Old 10-26-2010, 06:58 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Old 10-26-2010, 07:07 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Considering a divorce, not sure how to approach her

Are you angry with her? Has she done things over the last 15 yrs that made you feel unloved. Why did you stop having sex and is that what you wanted. You still do things on w/e dels not sound as if you are so disconnected. Have you given up after you have tried? What made fall in love in the first place?

Is there any possibility that you really do love her but you are so hurt and angry that you have turned your feelings off. Even if it is time to call it quits, be very honest with yourself and examine your role in the demise of the marriage. I am sure this will help in you next relationship. If you do divorce try not to get serious with the first person who pays attention to you, date and when you are sure then get involved exclusively. You are unlikely to make a mistake.
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Old 10-26-2010, 09:34 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Considering a divorce, not sure how to approach her

It's a vastly cheaper and easier road to reignite a marriage than divorce.
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