He won't accept that it's over

1moretime · 07-24-2008, 03:18 PM

Sorry this is long. Just need to tell someone.

I've been married 16 years. His third, my first.
Together we have one teen. He has adult children and grandchildren from previous marriages.

At 57 he has been retired for two years. I am 41 and quit working when our child was two. I operated a home day care until five years ago.

He never beat me or hit me. Provided me with a warm dry roof over my head. Money has always been tight and still is. I have no problem with that. I was born and raised without wealth and don't know any different.

It's a problem for him. His last divorce (20 years ago) left him bankrupt without anything and he finally stopped paying child support 6 years ago. We are not bad off, but he thinks so. We only owe less that seven grand on the house and have less than two grand on credit cards. We fully own our two vehicles. He is constantly complaining about no money, is
fervently trying to win the lottery and thinks if he could only buy me everything I will love him.

I lost my love for him a long time ago. I thought I had to just live with it - cause "I made my bed......" It eventually threw me into a big depression - almost gave up. Until I went on antidepressants. I have been off the meds for over a year.

How do you lose your love for a person? Because you give and give until your empty. In a normal relationship you give and get so your "cup" is never emptied. Sometimes you give a little more than you get - but eventually it evens out. Mine never evened out. I have been operating on empty for more than 7 years. Now that I have asked for a separation - he is kind of trying to fill the "cup", but it's too late. I don't want him to fill it anymore.

I know how to make the best of everything - go with the flow. I even accepted what he threw at me - even though it hurt me deep inside. I never asked for anything materially. I only wanted him to listen to how my day was - not tell me that my day wasn't as important as his, cause he was out working - and then proceed to tell me all about his day for the next three hours (not kidding here - he likes to talk). I wanted him to listen to my dreams - no matter how far fetched they could be - that's why they are called dreams. Instead he would just get angry. I wanted to be held and comforted when feeling down - not being told to get over it. I wanted him to stand behind me when in conflict with others - not to tell me that he agrees with me but then "sucks" up to the other because he doesn't want them to hate him. I never wanted him to yell at me for spilling the milk, for forgetting to buy the milk, for pouring the milk the wrong way - not his way. I don't want to be the one to be blamed for everything, for feeling ashamed or incompetent.

I want to go out with a friend now and then, be an active member in the women's league or just go out on my own sometimes - without being made to feel guilty for not spending the time with him.

I want to sit beside him and read a book when he watches TV. When we have conversations, I want to participate actively - not just to listen to him. I want him to listen to me and not talk over me. I just don't want to be yelled at anymore. I don't want to cry myself to sleep every night. I don't want him to make our teen run and cry everyday.

So five weeks ago I asked for a separation. He did exactly what our child said he would do. He got angry and said mean things. Our child later asked me why he said "after everything I've done for you" because she can't figure out what he did for me. I told her he gave us a warm roof, food in the fridge, etc. She rolled her eyes. I, once again, felt foolish.

He is still talking about our future, still taking me at night while I lay there without moving, holding tears back, thanking heaven it only takes him a minute, and when he is done I roll over and silently cry while he talks about how good it was.

In between his snide remarks, he has been telling me nice things and is constantly touching me and grabbing me (I have been feeling so violated)and all he has been getting from he is a cold reaction.

I can't move out until I find a job, and my child has two years left of school, she doesn't want me to go very far ( we live in the country right now). I have offered to help pay the rest of the bills and won't take anything when I do go - but am changing my mind more and more every time he makes a snide remark.

Later today or tomorrow I am going to have to tell him again that I still don't love him and don't want to be married to him. We live in a small two bedroom home, so I am going to have to propose that we bring the single bed in for me to sleep on and divide our bedroom with a sheet down the middle - like teenagers do. He can live his life and I will live mine - separately, like roommates. I am going to have to tell him to let his family know, tell him to get out there and find a date for an upcoming wedding on his side of the family. I'm soooo scared to do this - I hate conflict. I hope he lets me say what I need to say before he interrupts. I hate always being the bad guy.

Guess I'm going to tell my parents this weekend. They think I have a good marriage. (I'm not one to complain).

justean · 07-25-2008, 08:18 PM

im going to be honest. but i think yours is going to get a bit messy, especially with how he treats u. gosh he is very much in denial and your very much an object.
i dont know how ppl can treat their spouses like that.
personally i would tell your daughter. atleast she can understand you and you can support eachother.
she seems to already understand, but you are covering up.
it doesnt need to be covered up.
why dont you sleep upstairs and him vice versa, how dare n e man take advantage of a wife when she is not reciprocating or giving consent.
im hearing alot of this at the moment. having to stay in relationships because unable to move out. bills. i feel sorry for us.

envision · 07-25-2008, 11:13 PM

I do not think it would be in your best interest to remain with a man who from what you say is already abusive. I say abusive because there are many forms of abuse and verbal abuse is one of them. Verbal abuse has lasting affects for those who receive it, I'm going to guess your daughter may be one of them.
I came from a verbally abusive home. It eats away at all of your self-esteem and subconciously makes you believe you won't ever find anything better or deserve anything. Why should you make sure your husband gets a date?? This is not your job, his happiness is not your concern if he never worried about your happiness and it's definitely not your job to make him happy if you want to leave. What is your concern is your daughter's happiness. I personally believe you need to keep her out of this. If she believes your leaving has something to do with her telling you to leave, she could feel guilty about it later no matter how bad she and your husband's relationship is. If you need someone to support you, talk honestly with your family-siblings, parents, cousins-who are adults and will support you. If you can't find that support within your family, look towards counseling, which I'm guessing you've had some part of already since you took the meds. I would ask my daughter how she feels or if she wants to talk about the situation but let her know, you are in charge, you are the parent, and its your decision and don't involve her in proving to family that your husband is a bad man.
If you are involved in a local church, you may want to look to them for financial help to get you started. I live in the country and have heard of the local churches helping people in tough situations get financial help through weekly donations. Even if you aren't involved in a church, it wouldn't help to talk with a minister, priest, whatever, at least you may get some good advice.

draconis · 07-26-2008, 12:05 AM

It sounds like he doesn't know how to make a marriage work and thinks he is doing right by you. Most people are not ready for marriage and times have changed. He also might be afraid of losing everything again. Have you asked to talk to a councilor with him? Maybe that can be an end to your goal. Maybe, he can learn for the next time or can change for the better in the here and now.

draconis

1moretime · 07-26-2008, 11:25 AM

Thank you all for the replies.

I have talked with my daughter about it - she seems to be okay with it.

This is my husbands home town, he was born and raised here, so I cannot go to the church and ask for help. We have only been here for a few years and even though I am active in the community and have lots of friends, he is still one of theirs and they stick together. I have seen and felt it in other situations.

There is anger issues in his whole family. His parents would argue all the time and make each other feel guilty. His nephews have been divorced and his sons can't keep a woman. All for the same reason. It's anger, its I know better and its all about me.

I took my husband to counseling about 8 years ago. He went once and refused to go back. He said he doesn't need anyone bashing him. The counselor never said anything to him. We were there because of my depression and she was telling him about that. I found out later he has been a few times with his last divorce and said there were only out to get his money and didn't try to help him.

I have been networking, I should be employed by the end of August. I will be renting something on the school bus route for the next couple of years while my daughter is in school. During out last talk yesterday, I realize she needs to come with me - she needs to be comfortable in her home too. When her dad is not home - I do notice a good change in her.

He is afraid of losing everything again. He won't. He is afraid of what people are going to think. He is afraid of being alone. and he is afraid it will kill his father.

I will get out and start life over again and be happy. I guess I just need to know I am not being overly selfish and need some encouragement now and then.

justean · 07-26-2008, 11:38 AM

i think you know when youve had enough. going around in the small circles. but your actions are positive and your actually answering your own questions. so you really are on the move.
i think you wil thank yourself one day for seeing the light and getin you back .
in situations like this ppl have to change. i think you have done that. but although he has had a go, he simply wants to stay how he is. but you must not feel sorry for him, he pushed you away.