Me vs Friends
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Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 10-28-2010, 10:54 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Question Me vs Friends

I have been married for 33 years. We have had our share of ups and downs, but have raised two happily married boys, and have two grandchildren. About 3 years ago we moved to the country. My husband is on disability, and I work full time. I know at first he was bored being around the house all day, and things didn't bother me until they have escalated to the point that they are now. There is a bar located right near our house. My husband and his group of buddies go there a lot. I have gone with him on a few occasions, but dispite other wives are there, I feel out of place. I enjoy a good time, but too much has happened. My husband chooses to be with his friends over me almost all of the time. I have told him that I want a divorce, I really don't think I do, but if I am to be alone living with him, I might as well be alone on my own. He says he does not want a divorce, but when I asked him until we get our relationship back on track would he give up going with his friends for however long it takes. He refuses to discuss it, as he feels there is nothing wrong with what he is doing. (There is no other woman) I want to make things work but as they are now it never will. If I have brought up going out say early in the week, he might say he will take me but when the time comes, he always has an excuse not to go out. If I am out of the picture he goes out most everytime. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to "give up" his friends for a time for us to get our relationship on track? Or am I fighting a losing battle as his friends will always be in the middle of our marriage? I am really thinking of a divorce, and would love to read some comments from others. I am desperate.
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Old 10-28-2010, 11:05 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Me vs Friends

I do understand the guy thing that they like to hang out occasionally with their buddies, but this has gone to an extreme. He is with me, and we do "family" things, occasional dinner out, but I just want to have fun and laugh too. I am not one to go out with a group of my girlfriends. Some nights I enjoy the peace and quiet, but now that I am seriously thinking of leaving, and the biggest issue we have is his friends. They are a bunch of nice guys. However sometimes their wives are out too. But my husband just sits with the guys and has a lot of laughs. I feel now he is in a way just intentionally not taking me to get me mad. He has me to the point of thinking things like that. I hear him on the phone with a friend and he is all nice and laughing, etc. With me for the most part he is short tempered. Lately I have been bringing up divorce, and I honestly don't know what to do. I did go through a period of time that I didn't care what he was doing, then for some reason I really started to care, and it really bothers me. I have a big problem with a married guy being in a bar, with his buddies, on a Friday or Saturday night. It just doesn't look good. He doesn't understand that at all.
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Old 04-09-2011, 07:37 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Me vs Friends

Sounds to me like a mixture of things here. Firstly, you and your hubby were not getting along all that great, so he has backed off and found an interest of his own to fill his time. He is on disability, not working, living in a new town and therefore bored out of his skull. Booze, buddies and bars are an easy and available entertainment.

If you read some of MEM's posts about "manning up" it includes backing off from your spouse to get them interested again, perhaps this is what is happening with you, you didn't care what he was doing, as long as he was focussing attention on you and what you wanted, now, he is focussing on himself, and it is pissing you off. Ask yourself something, do you provide for his needs, or is it him who was always providing yours?

If I have read this correctly, then your honest answer will be a negative on that one. It is time for you to pursue him perhaps, set up dates with him that make YOU, focus on HIS desires.

It may work, it may not, I may be totally wrong. But it is a textbook play from some of these boards from a man whose wife has no interest, getting her to be interested.....
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