Leahdorus

I’ve just found this site today and so far, it looks like it will be a great resource for me. Everyone is so kind and helpful, things I greatly need right now.

It looks like my husband and I are going to separate, but I don’t know (yet) if it’s temporarily or permanent. I am so upset because I so *don’t* want this, but neither do I want to keep living like polite strangers in the same house. But it’s killing me, and it’s going to be VERY hard on our son.

Guess I need to tell the abbreviated story. Will elaborate more if needed, there’s lots in-between.

Hubby (I’ll call him Joe) and I have been married nearly 10 years and have a 7 yr old son. Last November, I had a very brief affair with a guy I met online through a social networking site. Somehow, Joe found out (I recently learned he saw something on my computer and started snooping) and confronted me one night. I knew I was caught, so I didn’t deny anything. He threw me out of the house that night (10:30 pm) and I stayed away for 4 days. I never saw the other guy again, or talked to him on the phone, but it took me about 4 weeks to stop contacting him online. I have not contacted him since then, and now do not even visit his pages on the site anymore. I never wanted to replace my husband with this guy, or anyone else. EVER. I have always loved Joe, and still do, very much.

We have been in joint marriage counseling since January or so. He is going willingly and participates, but we rarely if ever talk about “stuff” at home. We are both now in individual counseling as well, and that’s been helping to some degree on our own personal issues. With a bit of distance and exploration, I know see that I was feeling very lonely and needing attention that I wasn’t getting from Joe, for about 3 ½ years. Our sex life was nearly non-existent and he was always working or distracted by work that needed to be done. I tried the best I could to get what I needed from him but I guess I didn’t try hard enough. He is a loving man, very kind, but I think he sort of took me for granted a bit. The “love you” and peck on the lips each morning became routine and didn’t have the same feeling it once did, stuff like that. A number of times, I went to him with some resentments and ways he could help me by splitting chores and for a while things were better but would always slip back. So I found attention online, and I’m embarrassed and ashamed to say that I sometimes flirted and used cyber sex talk to get the attention I wanted, even though I didn’t really enjoy doing it. It was like a drug, the attention and flattery and praise. I wasn’t getting it elsewhere and this one guy knew just what to say to me. I took the bait and made the stupidest decision of my life, and now I have hurt my husband so deeply he can’t get past it all. I deeply regret my choices, and see in retrospect how I could have better handled things. But my deceit and cheating have done their damage and he isn’t able to forgive me.

He still doesn’t know if he wants to be with me. He doesn’t know if he wants to make things work. Yet, we are still in the same house, in the same bed, still are friendly with each other, and still go to counseling together. But, he wants to separate – says he needs time. Maybe so, but I’m afraid. Afraid of change? Afraid of how it will affect our son? He says he loves me, but I am no longer his best friend. At best, we are polite strangers. I can’t change his mind. I’m doing everything I should be. My life is transparent – nothing is hidden, I rarely go online anymore. No desire to talk to anyone, male or female. I don’t know what else to do.

Thanks for listening. Advice and comments welcomed.

Amplexor

Forgiveness of one’s spouse after an affair is a difficult thing to accomplish. I assume the affair happened about 6 months ago. It would not be unusual for him to take lots of time in coming to terms in all of this. From my view point the two of you are doing all the right things. Counseling is a huge step. Your husband is asking for space and for the sake of the marriage you may have to give him some. Separations sometimes help but more often then not, they signal the end of the marriage. I’m sorry. It makes me hopeful that he states he still loves you and it sounds as if he has gotten over his resentfulness. It was his behavior that partially drove you to seek comfort in another but you are at fault for taking that relationship too far. It is unlikely he is ready to accept that he must change his behavior to make you happy. He likely views himself as the victim here. You are in somewhat of a Catch 22. You need time together to rebuild that friendship he says is missing but he wants time away from you to sort things out. My best advice would be to be strong and keep your emotions in check. The tighter you try to hold him the more he will pull away. Be confident and tell him you love him and want to do all you can to help the marriage through this. To become friends again you’ll need to spend time together. At this point family activities might be the best option. Spend a day at the zoo, amusement park, beach… as a family. Try to get some quality time at home with just the three of you. Board games, toss a Frisbee….. If you can be cordial and get a long together this will also help your son feel better and more secure and the two of you can start to rebuild your friendship. This will likely take lots of time so prepare yourself for the long haul. You are in a difficult situation so keep a steady hand and head about you. The two of you are already doing a lot of things right. Good luck.

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

Leahdorus

Thank you, Amp, for your thoughtful reply. Yes, the affair (which lasted for 3 weeks and included only 2 in-person encounters) was about 8 months ago. Hubby and I have never fought about anything. He avoids conflict like the plague (which of course contributed to this whole thing) and doesn't fight. We were really good friends before I abused his trust. Now, the friendship is gone but he's still nice to me. He says he doesn't want to do anything to hurt me, but I think that's part of the conflict avoidance. But we are cordial with each other, but distant. He's pulling farther away now though.

Last night, husband and I talked a little bit about details of how we'd handle a separation.

He did say that he wasn't ready to end the relationship right now. That gives me a little hope. When I asked what his goal was for separating, his answer was, "Well, it's the only thing we haven't tried yet." When asked how long he was expecting this to go on, he wasn't sure, but thought that he would re-evaluate things with the therapists at the end of October, before the holidays really get going. He clarified that it didn't mean he wasn't going to counseling in the meantime, just that he wasn't going to make any decisions until then. That also seems like a good thing to me.

He's definitely pulling away from me much much more in the past few days. I have been doing the same, probably to protect myself. I guess I will try to be more supportive and engage more, but it's hard when I get no sleep (insomnia now) and have no appetite and just want to stare at the wall, unmoving.

Because of the cost (we live in a very expensive part of the country) of renting a 2 bdrm apartment, he suggested we take turns being at home with our son, while I stay with my father and he stays with friends. I think this sounds better for our son, but I also think that it isn't going to give him the space he thinks he needs. You aren't really alone to think when you're camping at a friend's house for a week at a time, in my opinion. But otherwise, we have an additional $2000+/month expense of renting a place, which makes finances really tight, on top our our mortgage. He also seems very anxious to get this started asap. I told him I wanted to talk it through with our counselor first, but our next appt is not til late next week. He didn't seem happy about that, but I said we need to have it all thought through before we break it to the kiddo. He's going to have a million questions and we should be prepared with answers. Hubby thought it would be good to plan a few family activities for the 3 of us on weekends, to help our son feel more secure. I think it could be very confusing for him (and me!) but I am up for trying anything at this point.

I want him to miss me, to miss the friend he had in me, and I hope some time away from me will help him realize that he does miss that friend. I'm still the same person I was before this all happened, only now I have a better grasp of the big picture. I just hope it's not too late to repair things.

thanks again, and sorry this is so long.