moneypenny

I have been married for 8 years and have four children (including one set of twins). I met my husband in 1999, after thinking for a long time that I'd never meet someone that I wanted to marry.

At first, things were wonderful. We'd go out, have a great time. Then he started acting oddly - telling me he was going to run out for groceries or to Dunkin Donuts but not come back for ages. If he saw me talking to another guy, he would get into a snit and leave. Finally, one night, he pulled a tantrum when we were out with friends and left the bar. I didn't follow him. He came back in and asked me to come outside. That's when he told me he was married with two kids, one more on the way. Oh, and did I forget to mention that we were engaged by this point?

I was in shock. All that went through my mind at that moment was "how can I explain this to my parents?" He begged me to stay, said he and his wife had been emotionally separated for ages, the conception of the newest baby was an attempt to reconcile, etc etc. I stupidly believed him and stayed. It was horrific on me, mentally. On the one hand, I had horrible guilt about being the 'other woman'. On the other hand, I was petrified of being on my own and having to explain things to everyone. It took forever for his divorce to be granted and we married in 2001 and had our first child in 2002.

Fast forward to now. We've been through a lot. Fight after argument about money. His inability to think about anyone but himself. His spending time on the laptop instead of playing with the kids. Our bankruptcy (he ran up an $18k credit card, and persuaded me that we needed a home equity loan and line of credit). His dishonesty about a woman he met, claiming that he told her he was married (I saw the emails - nothing in there indicated anything about him being married) and his subsequent dishonesty about not telling me she was at this week-long conference he attended. The porn websites. The lies.

There's a lot more. I'm in therapy now and my therapist and I have just started talking about my marriage. But I know that I do not want to live out the rest of my life like this. I don't have any passion for him nor do I have any interest in sex. I don't want him touching me and when he snuggles up to me in bed, I want to scream. I don't miss him when he's gone and I feel like we started this relationship on a dishonest note and the cracked egg has never been fixed. And I'm not sure I want to fix it.

I ache at the thought of hurting him, but I don’t want this to be my eternity.

Amplexor

After all he’s done and you still worry about hurting him??? What about what he’s done to you? Sounds like he is a walking lie. Are you staying out of loyalty, for the kids or for financial reasons. You have accepted you don’t want to live your life out this way so begin to discuss this with your counselor If he won’t make a change then you will need to. The relationship started as a lie and has continued on that way. He is a user and you deserve better. Sorry to be so blunt but I can’t see any reason for you to stay in this relationship.

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

justean

im in agreeance with amplexor again.
you have to live your life for you. he doesnt seemed to bothered about his commitment to his family, or your feelings.
forget about him hurting you, he is a joke.
if you have such a disconnection with this man, there is no reason to stay.
think of the happiness you could have without his burdens.

Mrs. Negestie

I sometimes worry about how your relationships start out in lies and why people expect it to just trun around and become an honest relationship. It seems that you want to end it does he know you feel this way because I think that you are not being clear with him on this situation because you didnt mention any thing about him changing his self.And are you guys thinking about group therapy because you are in a relationship together and you both need the help .

moneypenny

I know, pathetic isn't it? I think that over the years, I kept burying what happened and pretending things were fine.

We have not sat down and talked. In the past, I alluded to the fact that I was tired of his crap and wanted out. This was usually in the heat of a fight. I want to be able to sit down calmly and talk. I am seeing my therapist next Friday and will discuss with her as well.

Mrs. Negestie

Is he interested in seeing the therapist also?

moneypenny

I haven't brought it up. She's my therapist - I see her for my own issues.

Amplexor

Sorry my post was so blunt but your situation is bad. If the two of you have not really sat down to discuss all these issue then you must do so and soon. The problems here are severe and resolution will not come quickly. Take the time to explore your options as a couple. Counseling together would be a great start. Best of luck.

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

brad

Very clear cut. Your marriage was based on lies (from him). If anyone should ever move on it's you. One of the worst things I have ever read on here. It sounds like you deserve a much better life. Being alone really is not so bad. Sometimes people dont realize it until they leave. Then they say "how could I have stayed in that situation". The reason is because it's your current reality and your trying to make the best of it.

good luck.