Well the title says a lot of this story but there is more to it than that, but some brief background.
I met my wife in Turkey, she is Turkish, on business. At the time I was in a dead marriage with two girls aged 2 and 5. As soon as I saw her I was hooked and really felt like taking it further but I was married, she was thousands of miles away etc. Then she came to see me ostensibly to talk about business but really because she liked me. She didn't know I was married at the time. To cut a long story short I knew that I loved this woman, almost love at first sight and vice versa. Within a year I was divorced and then married and my new wife came to live with me in the UK. Our courting period was the stuff of fairly tales, I flew to Turkey 15 times in 6 months to be with her. Once back in the UK though it all started to go wrong.
Although she speaks fluent English she had huge difficulties in making herself understood or understanding others. She couldn't get a job for a while and was very homesick. She used to come with me on business everywhere and we still had a great time but I knew she wasn't happy. She found my mum and dad emotionally cold (compared to her Turkish family at least), she had difficulties keeping her jobs, didn't make any English friends and only a few Turkish ones. She got on brilliantly with my two daughters and treated them like her own and they loved her too.
There were many arguments over the years, many of them were down to missunderstandings due to the language problem, cultural differences etc. For my part I don't think I took her seriously enough, she was well eductated with an engineering degree from the top university in Turkey and couldn't understand why all the big companies weren't begging her to come and work for them.
This went on until our son was born in 2004. He was fantastic, a brilliant beautiful little boy. However it wasn't long before we argued about him, I believe that children should follow routines, for meal times, bed times, etc. She however believed that he could do want he wanted, go to bed when he felt like it. Even today at 6 years old he often doesn't go to bed until 10pm, sometimes later.
Then about 4 years ago she persuded me to give up my fantastic job as international sales manager £40K + and in line for a promotion to director, in order to start our own business. I can't say what we do but it is something we both enjoy. unfortunately my wife had the idea only, she has none of the technical or IT skilss required to develop the business and because of the language issue she is not comfortable speaking on the phone, so basically I built it up and she did some work. She wanted me to teach her how to build the website but I told her that to do that would delay our business startup for months and I could not do both jobs at the same time, basically she felt rejected by me and I didn't handle that well.
Then a couple of years ago I noticed that we were having sex far less frequently, maybe only once a month and we often fighting. This should have been a clue but I ignored it. Early in 2009 we got a neighbour to come and help part time. This was my wife's idea but she soon decided she disliked the neighbour because in her words "she is coming on to you" meaning she is attracted to you and wants you. This was absurd, we were very chatty that's all but I am like that with everyone, my wife however will work in silence for hours. In the end she fired this woman after lots of arguments between us about it.
Then things were starting to improve and we were making a real effort when last November my ex-wife decided she could no longer tolerate my 14 year old daughter and she was dumped on our doorstep without warning one Sunday evening.
I told my wife we'd work out a way to cope but she was in shock. Her first reaction was to throw away her contraceptive pills. She then could no longer tell me that she loved me. She blamed my daughter being dumped on us as my fault because apparently I had told her to stick up for herself and not be pushed around by her mothers's useless boyfriend (no job for 20 years, benefit scrounger). I utterly rejected this argument and I was pleased that my daughter had not been walked all over by this idiot.
Things went from bad to worse, we have a small two bedroom house and so now our son has to share with my daughter. My wife at first did make an effort to help my daughter with homework, taking her out to meet her boyfriend and for shopping but this was not very often and eventually it would end in a fight usually because my daughter will tend to answer back all the time despite my warnings.
In the meantime my wife found Facebook and became good friends with a painter from Belgium. He is 14 years her senior and I thought they were just friends. After some time I discovered that she was speaking to him all the time and although it was never emotional or personal it was very spiritual and they obviously have a close link. I knew all this because suspecting something was going on I installed a keylogger to the computer and although I felt very guilty intruding on her privacy I had to know what was going on, my family's future depended on it. At one point she wrote to him "I have to see you as soon as possible, can we meet?". His reply was something enigmatic like
"We will meet, but not yet". She recently had a portrait done at a photography studio, ostensibly for her new business she wishes to start, but it immediatly got uploaded as her profile picture, this I believe was to impress this painter. Everytime she goes on Facebook the first thing she does is go to his wall or read her messages from him. If we go out immediatly on comiing home, often even before she takes off her coat she will check if she has any messages from him. To me this activity is far more than just a casual friend on Facebook and borders on the obsessive or of course love, which is perhaps the ultimate obsession. I have confonted her with this and of course she totally denies it.
She has now said she is going to leave and take my son with her. She wants to remain friends and I have complete access to him. We will also remain business partners. She says that she cannot live in the same house as my daughter and will only come back when she has gone to university in about 3 years. She believes that we may be able to regain our affection for each other this way otherwise there will be no chance for us. The problem is we don't have any money and she can't leave without money so it has to remain like this for the next 5 -7 months at least. In the meantime she is buying little things for her new home which i find hurtful. I really wanted to resolve this, to work together to find a solution. I have changed, i work from 9 am until 2 am most days, I do most of the housework and take the kids to school. My wife will hardly even acknowledge my daughter's presence and is completely cold and indifferent to me, I am sure she would not care if I were dead. She will not allow my daughter to bring her boyfriend to the house or even the garden which causes huge resentment from my daughter. She has no real reasons for this, she just doesn't want her to bring any teenage boy to the house.
I wonder then if any of you think this situation is retrievable? My wife does not want to go to councelling.Her favourite phrase is "you gave me 9 years of hell". This also does not make sense because up until 2 years ago we wrote a diary together, she would tell me how much she loved me and that she was so sorry she hadn't made me happy over the years but how she was married to the most fantastic husband on the planet etc etc. Now apparently everything was my fault, I confronted her with the diary and said "how can you say 9 years of hell when in your own words it was you who was hurting me?", she has no answer for this.
I am wondering if she has a pyschological illness? I just don't know what to do now. Should I just let her go easily and try to be friends together or is there another way around this in the time we have left together? Does she need medical help? Any ideas or comments would be helpful.
Sorry, it turned out to be a lot longer than I envisaged.
WOW! Does anything make your wife happy? She needs counseling. It sounds as though your daughter is a convenient excuse for your wife to leave. I know this is a dilemma; you can't exactly turn your back on your daughter either.
Thank you for your reply, I agree she needs counselling but she won't go. Apparently she believes she is absolutely in the right and everyone else is wrong. She has managed to convince her mother of the same, unfortunately her mum does not speak English and my Turkish is too poor to explain the problems from my point of view, so the one person who could have been my champion is unreachable, I get on very well with her mum and sister (her dad died many years ago) and consider them my family and I know they are both very upset by everything too.
I am trying the 180 approach but toned down a bit because she has not been adulterous. So for example I am trying to make myself an interesting person to be around, I've joined an astronomy society and she does ask me about it, it is an area we are both interested in. I try not to be too enthusiastic and never mention the future unless she does. It is very difficult to judge what to do or say so I guess I will try to be myself and hope that's enough.
After a year of no intimacy, 13 months actually, I already feel we have separated and just share work and a place to sleep. I just hope she comes to her senses. She is pre-menopausal and there are signs this could be beginning (early at 44 but not uncommon), I have read that this can change a woman's psychological make up to some extent.
It sounds like she has emotionally left the marriage quite some time ago. I agree, it's not the daughter. She is unhappy with herself and thinks this painter guy is the answer. Which of course, it isn't. The running to facebook thing is a huge red flag.
You might want to check out the marriage builder site for suggestions. They have lots of info on infidelity. Although she hasn't been physically unfaithful, she is having an emotional affair with someone else.
I'm so sorry. This is not fair to you or your son or your daughter. This is pure selfishness on her part.
My suggestion is to find a a good bible believing fellowship and get plugged in. Prayer and following God's lead in regard to marriage will be a powerful resource for you and your mental well being. It will also help your daughter to learn that she is loved by the Creator, it will give her purpose and direction. You need strength and support. Learning how to be a spouse with God's direction will give you answers.
Your wife has basically deserted you. I don't know if you can interest her back at this point but if she were to learn how getting involved in sin, you become a slave to it and it will only lead to misery. It might sink in.
It might not but at least you will have something, solid rock to to stand on and to guide you. I would be a wreck right now without the support I get by leaning on Jesus. Praying for you and your family.
Based on Applepies response, if you don’t mind me asking is your wife Muslim and what is your religion? Not saying religion has anything to do with where you are at and although Turkey is a country of 100 million Muslims they do have Christians as well.
To answer the question, no she is not Muslim, neither of us are religious although she is spiritual, always looking for answers to what happens in the next life, is there a next life etc.
I know in the past I could have been more helpful around the house, I could have been more understanding of her home sickness, I tend to be a bit arrogant and a know it all, but I always loved her, always enjoyed doing things for her. When we went on holidays it was always to Turkey so that she could also see her family, I dreamed of taking her all over the world to see the sights I have been fortunate enough to see, but with limited holidays and finances it was almost always Turkey once a year, I felt that she could never really leave her family behind and start enjoying life with her new family, we were always tied to Turkey and I understood that although it depressed me somewhat. It doesn't matter what I do or say she is always right and when we have argued in the past it was almost always me that apologised and made up, I can count on the fingers of one hand how many times she said sorry to me over the years.
Last few days there have been no arguments and I am just following the 180, it isn't easy but perhaps because I've had a year to get used to the lack of intimacy it is easier for me than if I had just found out yesterday that she was having an real affair.
I sent a message to the painter on Facebook. I said to him that I wanted to send him an email but needed to know if I could trust him not to speak to my wife. So far after three days I have had no reply. I noticed as well that he is no longer sending many messages to her, simply answering her messages if she sends one but with nowhere near as much detail as previously, do think I may have scared him off?
I like the contacting the painter, good for you! Sounds like it had an affect. If she loses that source of self esteem, she may start involving herself in the marriage.
Yes, definitely less being communicated now, that was my hope too that she would start to wake up and clear away the fog. Today we agreed to sort out finances so she can leave. This will happen in a few months time so still plenty of time to recover it if she wants. However I am now so tired of this after 1 year of misery that to be honest I am starting to look forward to her going. I still love her but I don't like her very much at the moment. I feel we do need time apart but not as long as she says, she is talking about years and still says that she won't come back until my daughter has gone to uni or got her own place. I told her today that she is no longer my main priority (my wife), my daughters and son are now number one and if she is honestly saying that she won't come back until my daughter has left then I told her, in that case you will not come back because my daughter is staying here for as long as she wants. Also I told her that as we are now effectively single there is always the chance that I could meet someone new in the next year and then the whole picture could change, i may not want her back even if she so desires it.
So basically I have now shifted the decision making process completely over to her. She is no longer waiting for me to accept it, I have done that, it is now up to her to put up or shut up, leave or stay. I am hoping with the lack of attention from the painter, and the enormity of the situation she is getting herself into she will have second thoughts. But, if she does decide to stay in the next few months then she will be in for a shock. At that time I expect I will tell her something like, "well I'm sorry, I had gotten used to the idea of you leaving and I do not want to live in a loveless relationship. If you want to stay then that means you have to work at rebuilding our marriage, otherwise you may as well be a lodger here."
That's how I feel at the moment anyway.
The 180, here is a link and there's lots more online.
Wow! I can imagine her confusion at your 180 along with the lack of interest from the facebook guy. I would be thinking why am I doing all this? All of a sudden neither is acting too interested in what I want...I'm praying that she realizes what she is thinking of throwing away.
I think it's cool that you are sticking up for your daughter. Sort of the same thing happened to us, his exwife dumped their daughters on us. They were 15 and 16 at the time. She left town and all of a sudden, they were here full time. I did everything I could to make them feel welcome. I felt so bad for them at what their Mother had done. That has got to be hard on a kid. I can't imagine ever deserting my daughter, I love her to pieces. I get along well with the younger one. The older one...some issues but I accepted she doesn't like me and don't try to push it. Just let her have her space and be supportive when the opportunity came up.
A teen girl can be difficult, they can be sassy and whatnot. I got the book Stepmonster to help me understand my role as stepmother and it helped me be ok if my stepdaughter didn't like me and how to deal with conflicts.
The 180 list sounds good, I don't suppose begging and pleading are ever good ways to go about things. lol
Yes, definitely less being communicated now, that was my hope too that she would start to wake up and clear away the fog. Today we agreed to sort out finances so she can leave. This will happen in a few months time so still plenty of time to recover it if she wants. However I am now so tired of this after 1 year of misery that to be honest I am starting to look forward to her going. I still love her but I don't like her very much at the moment. I feel we do need time apart but not as long as she says, she is talking about years and still says that she won't come back until my daughter has gone to uni or got her own place. I told her today that she is no longer my main priority (my wife), my daughters and son are now number one and if she is honestly saying that she won't come back until my daughter has left then I told her, in that case you will not come back because my daughter is staying here for as long as she wants. Also I told her that as we are now effectively single there is always the chance that I could meet someone new in the next year and then the whole picture could change, i may not want her back even if she so desires it.
So basically I have now shifted the decision making process completely over to her. She is no longer waiting for me to accept it, I have done that, it is now up to her to put up or shut up, leave or stay. I am hoping with the lack of attention from the painter, and the enormity of the situation she is getting herself into she will have second thoughts. But, if she does decide to stay in the next few months then she will be in for a shock. At that time I expect I will tell her something like, "well I'm sorry, I had gotten used to the idea of you leaving and I do not want to live in a loveless relationship. If you want to stay then that means you have to work at rebuilding our marriage, otherwise you may as well be a lodger here."
That's how I feel at the moment anyway.
The 180, here is a link and there's lots more online.
I find it absolutely amazing how a DS plans to keep the LS as a backup in case things go wrong. Absolutely jaw dropping amazing. Yours is planning years ahead. “I’ll come back in 5 years time when your daughters left home”.
I wonder how these DSs think of themselves?
What on earth is in their mind about what marriage, a life partnership is all about?
Something they can willy-nilly, at a whim hop out of and back into?
A base with all home comforts from which to have affairs?
Do they truly see the LS as a person to be “used”.
Sounds to me Quantumfilament that you are going the right way about things. There’s a thread on the The 180.
Wow! I can imagine her confusion at your 180 along with the lack of interest from the facebook guy. I would be thinking why am I doing all this? All of a sudden neither is acting too interested in what I want...I'm praying that she realizes what she is thinking of throwing away.
I think it's cool that you are sticking up for your daughter. Sort of the same thing happened to us, his exwife dumped their daughters on us. They were 15 and 16 at the time. She left town and all of a sudden, they were here full time. I did everything I could to make them feel welcome. I felt so bad for them at what their Mother had done. That has got to be hard on a kid. I can't imagine ever deserting my daughter, I love her to pieces. I get along well with the younger one. The older one...some issues but I accepted she doesn't like me and don't try to push it. Just let her have her space and be supportive when the opportunity came up.
A teen girl can be difficult, they can be sassy and whatnot. I got the book Stepmonster to help me understand my role as stepmother and it helped me be ok if my stepdaughter didn't like me and how to deal with conflicts.
The 180 list sounds good, I don't suppose begging and pleading are ever good ways to go about things. lol
Thanks Applepies, interesting that you had a similar experience but handled it in a far more mature and adult way, shame my wife is not a little bit more like you instead of the selfish person she has turned out to be. I tried to talk to her today about something my daughter had done well and she told me she is not interested in anything to do with her, I said to her "how can you be like that? You helped raise her for the last 9 years and now you just turn your back on her!" Then she says it is because of the backchat and disrespect she has shown her, I tell her that is irrelevant, she is a teenage girl and they are all like it, my daughter is no different to any of the rest of them. Anyhow it made no difference and I didn't want an argument. I just thought it was interesting to see how she is slowly but surely shutting out everyone in her life, first it was our neighbour, then her Turkish friend, then me and my mum and dad, now my daughter, soon the only people she will have left are her mum and sister and our son. She is going to grow old alone and miserable with only Facebook for company, it is staring her in the face but she is too blind to see the obvious reality and I am too far past caring to mention it to her.
She wrote to the painter today, the usual stuff, nothing too personal, his reply was completely flat, no emotion whatsoever. I don't think he wants to lose contact with her but my guess is he knows he is being monitored and doesn't want any trouble. The ironic think is I really don't care any more, they can talk all they like, I am already planning my own future with my children without her, as I said before she is no longer my priority or concern unless she does a 180 and comes to her senses.
I find it absolutely amazing how a DS plans to keep the LS as a backup in case things go wrong. Absolutely jaw dropping amazing. Yours is planning years ahead. “I’ll come back in 5 years time when your daughters left home”.
I wonder how these DSs think of themselves?
What on earth is in their mind about what marriage, a life partnership is all about?
Something they can willy-nilly, at a whim hop out of and back into?
A base with all home comforts from which to have affairs?
Do they truly see the LS as a person to be “used”.
Sounds to me Quantumfilament that you are going the right way about things. There’s a thread on the The 180.
Bob
Thanks Bob for the support, it is amazing isn't it, almost like they are living in some sort of personal fantasy, unfortunately by the time they snap out of it, it's too late. Thanks for the link.
We are all familiar with the old saying which goes something like this......"Be careful what you wish for because it just might come true". I guess your wife is getting what she wished for. lol I'm glad you are handling this situation so well. I really think you and the children will greatly benefit from your actions.
Not to be a nag, lol, but I still think getting plugged into a bible believing church would be such a blessing to all of you. Your wife has this huge hole in her heart she is trying to fill with all sorts of nonsense. She is so lost. We spend our lives trying to fill up the emptiness in us with so many distractions, some healthy, some not so much.
You have a little boy together, I think it would be worth it, for him, to try to pull this together somehow...I've seen miraculous things done for families on the brink. You're hurting, she's hurting, why not take a chance and let God in?
Applepies, you are very sweet. That was the nicest way I have ever been asked to let God into my life. Unfortunately I am a scientist and engineer and although raised as a Christian it wasn't long before my mum and dad were asked to not bring me to Sunday school any more because of all the awkward questions i would ask. I would not go so far as to say there is no God, but if there is, I can't see for a minute that he/she/it would take the slightest interest in an insignificant lifeform on an insignificant planet in the back edge of an average galaxy in the middle of an almost infinite universe. Let's face it there are millions of people far worse off than me with my little problems and they do believe in God but they don't get any help do they, I mean where was God during the holocaust?
Still I follow the Christian values and the morals are mostly spot on, if everyone could at least do that the world would be a better place IMO.
Wife is going to leave because of my daughter 
Sort of the same thing happened to us, his exwife dumped their daughters on us. They were 15 and 16 at the time. She left town and all of a sudden, they were here full time. I did everything I could to make them feel welcome. I felt so bad for them at what their Mother had done. That has got to be hard on a kid. I can't imagine ever deserting my daughter, I love her to pieces. I get along well with the younger one. The older one...some issues but I accepted she doesn't like me and don't try to push it. Just let her have her space and be supportive when the opportunity came up.
