Pregnant and going through a divorce - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 11-27-2010, 10:18 PM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Pregnant and going through a divorce

Shortly after we found out we were expecting baby #2, I found out my husband of 14.5 yrs had been having an affair. I told him to leave and we tried several times over the past couple of months to make things right, but he refused to let whatever relationship with her go. Nov. 2, 2010 I finally had enough and told him to leave, for good. Two days after he left, he found him an apt and pretty much moved her right on in with him. Lets not forget the fact that she has 3 kids of her own, whom she leaves with anyone who will take them so she can be with him.. We have a 7 yr old who he has only seen twice since hes been gone and wouldnt even spend time with her on Thanksgiving. I have been so upset over everything thats gone on the past 6.5 months I cant thing straight. I found out 3 wks ago that I was in preterm labor, 70% effaced, 1 cm dilated and was having contractions @27 wks. Thankfully, we were able to get everything under control and now I'm on complete bed rest and outta work. I'm scared.. Today, I am now 30 wks and praying that I atleast have my baby by wk 34.. I'm scared. I'm alone. I'm depressed.
I dont understand how a man, who once said we would make it through anything and everything can just turn his back on his family. I don't understand how one can be with someone for as long as we have and just walk away. I never for the life of me thought this would happen. Yesterday, he blocked me from his phone. His daughter cant call him to talk to him and if I go into labor, I cant let him know.. I'm still undecided as to let him in the delivery room when the baby comes. Yes, he should be there when our son is born, but I really dont want him by my side. This should be a happy time in our lives, but it isnt. I did file for a divorce when he first left back in June. Stopped and started over and over again.. It is back in action and he refuses to respond.. Its just crazy. I'm tired of the emotional & verbal abuse I hear from him.. I know I've made mistakes in the past, but my gosh I've givin him so many chance over the years.. After this weekend, I've finally relized that our marriage is really over and there is no hope.. I know life will go on, I just wish all this wouldnt have happened after we found out about the baby.. That is what really breaks my heart..

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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 11-28-2010, 04:29 AM
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Re: Pregnant and going through a divorce

I'm really sorry hon. I'm hoping you have friends and family near you that can help you out.

Try and keep your stress level down at all costs as much as you can until the delivery. Start by letting your lawyer handle the stress and BS of dealing with your husband.

Many men come around to realizing they cannot just leave their child hanging. If he does not, or not as much as she needs, remember to use positive reinforcement tecniques with her regarding the divorce. Once taught to her she will use them throughout her entire life to deal with this.

Here are some links that may be helpful to you:

Single Mom Resources


Children Divorce and Parenting Support Forums

Positive Reinforcement tecniques

Best wishes to you and you children hon.
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 11-28-2010, 06:50 AM
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Re: Pregnant and going through a divorce

I am so sorry to here about this. I certainly hope you have friends or family to help out.
Your husband is clearly over the edge and not thinking of the repercussions of his actions. I am very shocked someone could do this.
May God bless you and your children.
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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 11-29-2010, 09:17 AM
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Re: Pregnant and going through a divorce

Just focus on you and your children right now, and don't worry about him. If he's made it so you can't contact him, he can't later complain in court that you don't let him talk to or see his child, or that you didn't contact him when you went into labor.

I divorced my first husband while I was pregnant with my second son. My divorce was final when he was 20 days old. It's not easy, but you (especially since you've already had issues with the pregnancy) need to stay as calm as you can. No matter what he does, hard as it may be, you've got to try to not let it get to you.
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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 11-29-2010, 09:29 AM
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Re: Pregnant and going through a divorce

Hugs to you. Do you have anyone in your support system? Someone to shop for you or that sort of thing?

It's very hard not to focus on the why and how and what could of been. Don't beat yourself up if your mind does wonder there. It's ok and natural. You tried to make this work, you did the right things and that's going to bring you comfort down the road.

To give yourself strength, remind yourself that other women have done this, you have the testimonies of others that did it and made it through. Like atruckersgirl. I would google around and read histories of other women that did go it alone. Just off the top of my head, are women who have lost husbands in the war and were pregnant at the time.

Knowing that others have been through this and how they kept it all together can help you to do the same.

If you have no support system, I am going to recommend you get in touch with a church body that can help.
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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 11-29-2010, 10:33 AM
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Re: Pregnant and going through a divorce

I found this...

How hard is it to raise a baby completely alone, with no husband or familial support? What is best?

Remember in that Hope Floats movie where the soon to be ex is telling her, he has to live for himself now? And she tells him fine because she gets to keep the best part of their relationship, their little girl. So true, so true.

Praying for your baby and you... :hug
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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-09-2010, 07:50 AM
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Re: Pregnant and going through a divorce

you can't worry about your dochebag of an ex-husband, you have to worry about your health, and your baby, that's your number 1 priority. you need to make sure your son is healthy. you have to focus on your children, and i say worry about the rest later. as for telling him about the delivery, if you don't want to tell him or have him there, then he shouldn't be there. if he's going to prove himself an absent father, (as he has with your daughter) then why bother having him there?
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-13-2010, 09:47 PM
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Re: Pregnant and going through a divorce

im feeling the pains ur experiencing righ now, like you im also on my 28thwks of my preg stage. im staying with my sis rightnow i moved out from home because he asked me too. he acusses me of havig an affair but no evidence all just because of his suspicions.this was our 4th child, the 3rd child a year ago born with heart defcts because i was emotinally,verbally and physically abused during preg. the baby came out with congenital heart defects. then after a year i got pregnant unplanned he wasnt prepared for it he said he hasnt coped up yet, me too im so depressed. i do things i usually dont do like goin out during daytime while theyre in school and hubby working just to ease mym ind and not get crazy for losing my baby girl..we waited for her for 10 years to come and nothing..we lost her.right now i sacrificed my 2 other kids who chose to stay with their dad because i dont have a work. i went away to secure my baby inside, same way as he did before i was physically abused with so much verbal and emotional trauma. the saddest thing is that we agreed that if i stay away for a WHILE he wouldnt cut my comm with the kids my eldest is 14 years old 2nd is 11. i havent communicated with them for 2mos and still nothing. i tried everything to reachthem but their dad prohibited them from talking to me.He changed his number if i called him in the office he tells me painful words and he spread gossips amng his workmates that i am having an affair which some of them doesnt believe because they saw me and some knew me. my baby thngs are still there some of my documents are with him. he had an affairo n my previous preg 2 weeks before i should give birth he slept with a married woman he said it was just a fling but sadly i was even beaten because i should believe him that it was just a fling. this time i am so depressed but trying to be strong to keep this babyinside me safe. id ont want this one to come out with defect again. i couldnt bare it.. i am needing some comfort at this times too..i hope cases like me can move on and find happines in whatever path we choose
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 03-28-2011, 10:24 PM
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Re: Pregnant and going through a divorce

A very similar thing happened to me. My husband of four years left while I was three months (now 6 months) not for a specific woman, but for drinking and women in general. It's really unbelievable.

I would love to know where you are emotionally now... I just can't seem to see the light at the end of this very dark tunnel.

Any advice is much appreciated. I did, however, finally hire a lawyer today to do the dealings with him as it is far too painful for me to make rational decisions right now no matter how hard I try.
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 03-29-2011, 09:58 AM
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Re: Pregnant and going through a divorce

As I read this I am tearing up over what a scumbag your husband is. Now I know what a concentration camp guard is like.

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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 03-29-2011, 10:45 AM
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Re: Pregnant and going through a divorce

There is a very special place in the hearts and minds of those of us who pray, for those of you in such trying circumstances.

One beautiful thing in all of this--you will be able to focus all your time and energy on your kids. You will no longer have the distraction of a partner who does not deserve the privilege of licking the bottom of your shoe.

It may be hard to do this, but please get help for your daughter (and eventually your son) who will suffer feelings of abandonment--and remember that trashing her father, ever, in front of her, will add to her pain. You do not have to lie for him or make excuses, but do not give in to the urge to blame him. Best to say things like, "I don't understand his actions either, honey, and I'm sorry I cannot be more help with this. But you and I did nothing wrong, and we deserve better treatment. We are good and lovable people." Emphasize it isn't her fault, that you cannot answer for him, and that she is a good and lovable person who deserves better. Remember, you are too!

This is a really good time to rely on family and friends, esp. girlfriends. Share a household to make things easier--and use the resources available in your community. Good luck and God bless!
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