I posted a week or so ago about an impending separation. Well, so far, no one has moved anywhere, though we did spend some time getting info about how to tell our son, and have told a few friends that it was going to happen. So, it's good that nothing's happened, but I have an overwhelming sense of doom, that something bad is about to happen. I'm so scared, I don't want a divorce. I never did. I just wanted something I wasn't getting from my husband and wasn't able to make that clear to him, and now that I've ruined my marriage, I am so deeply sorry and full of regret and anger at myself.
He had his individual session last night, came home, and while in bed, he held me and asked me more questions, about why I brought up trust that one day when I was going to meet the other guy (as friends). He'd said to me that morning, "I love that we can trust each other like this." And then that day, I kissed the other guy (not planned) and brought him home (as planned) for dinner. Why did I bring it up in the morning? I dont' know. Maybe I felt guilty, maybe it was my brain raising red flags and I was too stupid/clouded by the attention I was getting to understand that that meant at the time.
So today we have our joint session and the impending sense of doom I have is so real. I feel sick to my stomach and am on the verge of tears as I write this. I hate what I did. I HATE IT, but there's nothing I can do to take it back, and husband is unwilling/unable to get past the trust thing. I told him again that I am in this 100% and always have been and will not give up. He said he wished he could say the same thing but can't. I am dying inside, and it's all my fault. I don't want my marriage to end. I don't know what to do.
Continue in your counseling. Marriages do not recover from affairs easily and most need help from a trained professional . He has known about the affair for some time now and has entered counseling for himself and for your marriage. It will take him time to get past this but you are doing the right things to try and recover. I understand you are in a scary place but with time it can get better. Continue to support him and tell him you are dedicated to the marriage. Make him know how much you want things to work out but don’t dote on him. Give things time and patience and keep your spirits up as best you can and hopefully things will start to turn for the better soon. Good luck.
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Amp
Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.
It's hard to explain the overwhelming sense of betrayal unless you've been there. The fact that he has been willing to go to counseling is really good. He is bound to retrace conversations, etc. from that time over and over in his head and is trying to sort out what part of the marriage is 'real' and what is based on lies/deception. It's a very difficult and confusing process. Some days you feel you don't know this person at all and other days you reminisce and believe the good times were real. That he is still asking you questions is also a positive sign that he is trying to work through all of this. What it really comes down to in the end is if he will ever be able to forgive you and trust you and only he will know that.
The remorse you show comes across as very sincere and that can only help in your situation. Also, stopping the behavior that would now cause him to question what you are doing (not on the computer anymore, etc) is another good step to make him see that you are willing to do what it takes to make amends. All of these things are necessary in the area of rebuilding trust.
Forgiveness requires a lot of empathy and soul-searching. The ability for him to see why you strayed from the marriage from your point of view and even if he thinks he would never cross that line, be able to say I can see, based on where our marriage, was why this happened. Acknowledging his role in the marriage at the time and things he really believes he should have been doing better will give him some sense that if you are stronger together it won't happen again. Hopefully counseling is helping him sort this out.
There is also a lot of pride involved. The last thing he probably wants is to feel like a doormat and sometimes just forgiving and moving forward gives you that sense that now she thinks I will just put up with anything she does even if it is devastating to me. You can help in this area by letting him set boundaries on what he needs you to do to earn back his trust. It will give him some sense of control over the situation.
Good luck...don't think the worst or you will lose focus on the work/progress you are making.
Thank you both for your replies. I know it's not up to me at this point, that it is up to him.
I have stopped all "bad" behavior months ago. There has been no contact with the other guy since December. I don't go looking at his web pages, I am not chatting with anyone online at all anymore. I've told him that, he sees it. And I've told him my life is transparent now - if he wants to see into any of my accounts, he is welcome to. I am working hard to change my behavior - in past sessions, he's said that he felt not listened to, that I wanted to solve the problems and not just listen and let him vent, that it was always a one-upmanship with whose day is worse... I am now listening and not offering advice unless asked, not talking about me and my day as much, trying to do what he said he wanted.
He said last night, "I don't understand" - and I think he was talking about he doesn't understand how we could have had such a trusting relationship, one that was unlike any other we'd seen, we took such pride in that, and then I went and broke that trust. I don't know what to say. I did it. I wish I hadn't. I wasn't thinking clearly, was thinking of myself and what I needed, and made very wrong choices. It doesn't make sense, so of course it's hard to understand. I'm killing myself with all the "should have dones" and don't know what to do with myself now.
He is willing to keep employees in his business that aren't doing their job the way he needs them to, but he's not (yet) willing to give me a second chance to show that this was a mistake, not a way of life for me, and that I was lost and confused and it's not a pattern and won't happen again. That makes me so *&%#& sad.
Update: had our joint counseling session today. It was made clear that he absolutely still wants to separate. That he is not available to me to have a relationship with. He's still civil to me, and still holds me every night in bed, but WHY? What is the point? As much as I want to cling to every little thing that seems hopeful, my gut is saying that this is just the first step to the end. What is worse, doing it slowly over many months/years, or just ripping the bandaid off and getting it over with?
He's going to take a "business trip" next week during the week, then I'm out of town next weekend anyway, then he'll go away for a few days the following week, and then the week after that, we are taking our 7 yr old son to Disneyland (already planned and we still both want to keep that committment). Then school starts and we (us + counselor) thought that we should wait to tell him that we're separating and will be staying in different places until he's a bit more settled in school (new school year, teacher, etc). That cuts into hubby's 3-month trial sep plan, so we'll run into the holidays at this point. I am hoping he'll have some sort of epiphany during the "trial trial separation" but frankly don't think he will.
I think I need to take my therapist's recommendation and get some medication. I can't stop crying and blaming myself, though I know it is not 100% my fault. I wish there were a magic wand someone could wave over this mess. *sob*
I once had therapy many years ago, and every time I was on the way to the therapist, I got this dread feeling and butterflies in my stomach. I realised many years later that the dread feeling was brought on by simply knowing that going to the therapist was going to make me confront issues that were emotional.
As for your separation, it does not need to happen. All you need to do is play for time. Be nice to hubby, but don't be a floor cloth. Also remember the he is no angel either. Otherwise why would you have strayed? I read in your other thread that sex was a very low priority for him. He needs to address that, so don't think every thing is your fault. I would have done the same in your position. Play for time. Every day you delay is a chance to get closer.
As for meds. I don't know. If you can cope without them, it might be better for your health. A lot of meds. dull the libido - not ideal if you are trying to re-build a relationship.
Thanks MarkTwain. Yeah, I don't want to go the meds route either. Not that sex is even on the table at this point. He holds me every night in bed - something that he never ever did before, but it's not sexual. More like we're clinging to each other and not speaking words.
Today's update:
This morning I lay in bed after my shower and we held each other. And started crying again. I said that my gut says we can make it, that we can repair things. (Even if I don't know if that's true that my gut says it, I felt I had to try that angle). He replied that his gut says the opposite but that his head is telling him to stay, which is why he's still there. He said he loves me - said it first, not in reply to me. And then said, but it's "I love you with an asterisk" and the asterisk is the part that says he can't stop hurting.
I told him I get it - I get how it feels to lose my best friend, and it hurts more than anything. That made him cry more. He said he didn't want me to lose my best friend. But that best friends didn't treat each other the way I did him. He said "for a long time, I didn't even recognize who you were." And I said that I didn't either but that she was gone now, can't come back. He said "but that *was* you" and I said no, it wasn't the real me. And then he started sobbing again.
Our son heard us because he was up in the other room, and came to our room to find out what was going on. So he clearly knows something is up. We told him we were talking about some grownup stuff that makes us sad, and then gave him lots of hugs before we all had to get up and start the day.
There is nothing you can do now to correct the past. You are in the present and need to move forward. It is a shame that you broke the trust but you are doing everything you can to rebuild it. It s hard and i does take time, I wish you the best.
So scared
