Hi, I am new on here and in desperate need for help.
I have been married for nearly 24 years and have 2 sons, 20 and 22 who still live at home but will be moving to their own places in the next couple of months. I am 49 and my wife is 45.
Over the last few years I have been drinking a lot at home, I have been staying up late, getting up late and basically ignoring everything around me. I didn't realise this at the time, but I am an alcoholic. I have become overweight but my wife is as slim as ever.
My wife and I have had many discussions regarding my drinking and the fact that I have been killing myself. I have said on numerous ocassions that I will stop, and once did, for 2 months. I then seemed to think everything was Ok and grdaully started again.
My wife has become more distant over the last 2 or 3 weeks and it ended up with me asking her what the problem was. She said that she had got to the end (she had been crying alone in our bedroom and I never knew) of her tether. She had tried everything she could but our marriage was over. She doesn't find me physically attractive anymore and hasn't done for some time. She loves me but is not in love with me, she has to leave. She had already been planning to move into rented accomodation during the last 2 weeks but I didn't know or was too wound up in my own life that I never noticed. This happened 2 days ago and as she hasn't found another place yet, she is still here. She is sleeping on the couch now because being in the same bed just isn't right anymore. (that killed me as well)
On top of all that, I have been trying to run my own business for the last 4 years and that has now failed. My car has been repossessed and the tax man is making me bankrupt and taking our house to cover some of the debt.
I have been trying to cope with the business and financial situation but have been reverting to alcohol to numb the pain. I never drink before 5 pm and have tried to carry on working my business, but if I have a drink I don't know when to stop.
My world has now literally fallen apart. I realise that I am the cause of the breakdown and have discussed this with my wife. I have also signed up with Alcholics Anonymous and have STOPPED drinking. It's ruined my whole life.
I am so afraid an upset and can't stop crying. My wife says that I needed this and I have to sort myself out. I have suggested couple counselling but she says it's too late for anything now and she has to go. I feel so desperate and need to know if there's even a glimmer of hope for the future.
She has said that she still cares for me and she has to go before things get nasty, she doen't want that. She says she will always be there for support at the end of the telephone and wants us to remain friends.
I feel the need to ask her over and over again to stay, but I am afraid this will push her away. I can't think of any future without her. I don't know whether it would be better if she went sooner rather than later to help us both come to terms with it. It all appears so final, she's told our 2 sons, our friends, her mother, and I've told my parents. She has made plans to have the pets rehomed.
I am going to be left alone in a house that will taken from me, with no money, no business, no marriage and it feels like no hope.
I know that I can make myself better and cure the drinking and get a job but I can't face the prospect of her leaving.
Do you think there is any hope for us?. I need to know but am too afraid to ask her. She has said that sshe has no plans for the future but just needs to be alone.
I can't stop feeling that I have thrown everything away and that I realise this and want to make it better. It's all my fault and I wish I had listened to her more.
Sorry for posting this in here as well, but I just need someone to talk to.
ok my hubby has had issues with drink for 13 years.
so i know where your coming from and i know where she is coming from.
it is possible to get her back , but it could take a long time.
you have to be focused. but you have to focus on yourself first.
ok the key here for me in your mail was the
fact - you can make yourself better.
this is your start. so do it.
cure the drinking. by doing this you wil lose weight and wil start to feel better about yourself.
at the moment you have low self-esteem , but you can get it back.
yes you have thrown it away.
but you have to fight , if you want to get it back.
the thought of you being alone is also the key here. simply loneliness, but this also boils down to the fact that you dont like yourself either.
you see in order to live with yourself , you have to like yourself.
start with your self improvement and looking for a job.
keep thinking of those first.
you cannot think of an outcome with your wife, until you have tried these first.
Justean, thanks for the reply. I know that it will take a long time, if it can be done at all. All i need at the moment is a chink of light to work towards. You are right about my self esteem as well. I hate myself. I need to stop that. My wife also said, if you don't respect yourself, you can't expect others to respect you either.
It's just nice to hear people that think there is a way out.
MT, I started increasing my drinking from being a social drinker whilst employed by a very controlling person. I left him to start on my own, but carried the burden with me. I have also been on anti-depressants for about 8 years. (for the same reasons)
My wife is a mental health nurse, an I can now see what it must have been like for her. I imagine it must have been like an electrician having to rewire his house everynight when he gets home.
Slight change in circumstances. I have been paying my wife's mobile phone bill through my company I never thought anything until today she said that she would have to get her own. Nothing wrong with that. However, I then checked my old bills and there are many many texts to the same number. I am presuming this is her friend from work that she goes out with once a week. The problem I have is that there are texts to this number throughout the night she has gone out with her. I have even dropped both of them off in the town they go to, some 20 miles away so I know they go together.
Why would she be texting someone she is having a night out with, all through the night?.
My mind has now gone into hyperdrive about this. Is it right for me to ask her about it and maybe find out there is something more to the separation than just my drinking. I have asked her before if there is someone else, but she said no.
I need to get my mind sorted, it doing cartwheels.
This is a delicate situation. First, do you think that you would start drinking again if you heard that she is in fact seeing someone else? Would this information change your desire to make the self improvements you need? You are already walking a line of being able to keep moving forward. My fear after reading your story is that you would revert to drinking again thinking all is lost.
Thanks for the input Nancie. I have talked to her and feel better about it now. It was my emotions doing overtime.
One question I did ask her tonight, and the only one, was, is this separation permanent. I got the reply I expected but with a little thread to hang on to. Her answer was 'at the moment it is, yes'
We have talked more in the last 2 days than we have done for the last 2 years. She has now found a house to rent and is moving out in a little over a week. I am still totally gutted by this but don't want to show it. I feel like I need to repsect her wishes and allow her time to come to terms with whatever decision she finally makes.
From my own point of view, I am now trying to fill myself with determination and steely resolve to become the person I once was. This is, at this moment in time, for my benefit. I need to change myself. I was a wreck both physically and mentally.
I have caused such suffering for her that I cannot hold any malicious thoughts towards her. I can only admire her for managing to do what she feels is right.
We have, so far, decided to remain friends and support each other as and when neccessary. I will not push her though, I need to give her all the time she wants, but I will be here if she needs me.
I have read many many stories today on various sites about the separation situation and the causes, results and future. I don't know what is going to happen. All I know is that I need to be strong and forward thinking and get my own life back on track 1st.
You need to rebuild yourself right now with a job, going to the gym and keeping up with AA. Even if you can't save your marriage you can save yourself and provide a good role model for your family.
lsot1,
here's the good news. you CAN fix things. please consider yourself blessed that you did not have a stroke (i did) or some other medical crap. see my first post to get my whole story. alcohol is an evil mistress and she kills. did you know the average alcoholic life span in 53 yrs. i bet your wife doesn't want to be left mourning your passing when you did it to yourself.
aa should have taught you one thing by now. you are powerless. take one day at a time. sorry for the cliche's. but there's a long way to go in healing, both your alcoholism and your marriage. does she care? does she still talk to you? these are both good, positive signs. i've had many intelligent people working with me here on this forum, and there is light at the end of the tunnel. i'd give you usernames, but trust me, you'll be found. in fact, you have been already. just take the booze thing seriously. don't pit yourself in my position, married to a woman who's scared i'll die in front of my children.
God bless you.
__________________
separated, honoring wife daily with AA, counseling, she deserves the best me i can give her.
i will advice you to adjust your self and i can recommend your to a product you can read and will can your life.try to stop all this so that your marriage will not break.
I've ruined my life
