I have been feeling trapped in my relationship for some time. I don't know why. My husband takes good care of me and my family. We have certain issues that have come up again and again, but the biggest one is sex. He has hurt my feelings many times with the distinct purpose of making me feel bad. We have been married eleven years and have two children, 12 and 5. I don't want to hurt him or my children, but I really don't want to be married anymore. Something has changed within me...I feel stronger and suddenly I have the desire to be independent. It's probably just a fantasy, but I have feeling this way for months, and it's not going away. I feel terrible and I am so scared at the thought of telling my husband. He often senses when there's a problem, but we manage to move on. Can anyone offer me advice? I don't want to make any decisions I will later regret.
Yes, I sense that you are not looking for true indepenance but rather a way to get those butterflies back again. Start dating again, go dance or to the movies. Have the grandparents take the kids one day a week so the two of you can rekindle the passion again.
If nothing else you would have tried to stengthen your relationship and know that you tried.
I feel like we have tried so many times to fix our problems, but the same problems come up again and again. I just don't think I want to put the effort into it anymore. We have had times that we were happy, but I just don't feel like I love him anymore. You all brought up good points. He has hurt me and we have talked about it. He's not always like this, only when he gets mad at me. But, I am so tired of it. That "butterflies" feeling has been gone a long time. Also, I guess there's a part of me that feels like we only got married out of obligation because I was pregnant. We made it through a lot in our early years. As far as independence goes, I guess I just want to see if I can make it on my own. I want the freedom to date and have fun, something I missed out on when I was younger. However, it seems a terrible thing though to throw away eleven years of marriage. I am so torn.
the same problems come up in most marriages.
on a never ending circle.
and most of which we also say what you say.
"im fed up, dont want to put the effort in."
if you dont love him and like you say banging your head against the wall. then do what you feel that you have to do.
if you do love him, leaving him for other dates, wil remind you you did actually make an unregrettable mistake.
relationships have changed amongst ppl over the yrs. new generations. im not saying all. but promiscuity seems to be the norm.
i think if you want out, you need to spend your time on your own, take some time out.
you can still go out within a relationship. the person stopping you is you.
if you made it through a lot of yrs, then you can keep going.
your not horrible, far from it.
you have just disconected.
For my husband, there's too little sex. I guess I do have some intimacy issues, and lately I have not been attracted to him at all. It seems as if sex is the only thing he wants from me. I know that guys need this, but our sex drives just don't match up.
Thanks for the advice Justean. Can you clarify though? Are you saying that I should separate from him if I think that's best or that I should see other people even while I'm still with him? It also sounded like you thought that I should stick it out since we've made it this far. Sorry for the confusion, but I really liked what you had to say. Thanks.
going to be honest, i dont think infidelity is a good idea within the marriage.
it can only make situations worse, believe me.
no probs on clarifying.
if your with him, then your with him.
if your not together, then you are a free agent. do what you want then and only then.
i have a high sex drive, hubby not. so opposite to you.
try and gain a happy medium, change your attitude.
i just think this is another of those marriage lulls, we all go through.
you both have to start at the communication process again.
most of us have been where you are, and no doubt we wil go through it again a couple of months down the road, but deal with that issues then.
my children are 11 and 8. at one point i stopped going out. you dont stop on purpose, you just settle into homelife. you forget to go out.
but not at n e point did i feel obliged to stay in . i recently had a spate of going out ever weekend. but you go back again into a calmer i like home situation. i stayed in for a bit then, resting from partying and then opportunites come about from work etc. family gatherings.
now im fine again.
then the cycle wil commence again when it ready to rear it head again, " i need to go out".
like i said i think you stop yourself.
listen to other ppls lives, your wont sound that bad, i bet you.
This is a really great site. I love that everyone is so helpful and supportive. Justean, you are right about so many things. I am afraid I might regret leaving him, but right now the desire is so strong, I feel like I might explode. I really feel like I just need some time alone, but I'm not sure how to make that happen. I know it would cause a great deal of upheaval in our lives. MarkTwain (love the pen name, by the way), I liked your comment as well. I'm not sure if I agree with you, but it's nice to know there's a possibility that I'm not a freak.
I have done to my wife, what your hubby is doing to you. I have ignored the situation for so long that she has now got to the point that she can't carry on.
It's a horrible situation and there is no easy answer. My wife felt that there was no other way than to leave and we are now separating. I now realise what I have done and hope that over time I can change things.
We both still love each other, but the 'spark' had gone.
You really need to decide what YOU want and even if it's the hardest thing you have ever done, it must be for YOU.
There is no point in dragging your self esteem down any further just because it's easier to do that.
I am sure you are a great person but at the moment you can't see that and hubby can't see just how much you are hurting inside. Maybe if you tell him that you are going to leave, but leave a little bit of yourself ready to stay if you want to.
I know that my words may not help, but being on the other side of the coin, I know that the only way I was able to see the problems I had been causing was by my wife leaving.
Will we get back together?, well if it's meant to be, then yes. Who knows?
Hang in there, search your soul, find what YOU want and stick with it no matter what. You will both come out of it stronger that way.
my hubby and i have split up over the years for various reasons. life is stressful. generally not getting with eachother (lull period). ok some times we ride the waves and other times we did not cope with what we were going though at the time.
we have and still have time out. we all need a breather.
and your at that breather stage.
i actually think your very normal.
take the kids away for a week on your own. or go away for a week with a friend. well thats what i do.
i went to spain four years ago with my sis in law at the time.
i just had to get away from the kids and hubby.
we had a ball. when i come back i had missed my family.i was fine again. four yrs later ( now ) ive got that itch again.
im looking around for an offer and wil prob go wi my mum in oct.
you need to get away from the kids and hubby and time for you its fab.
also do you have a hobby. if you dont have one,get one.
you need an interest. mine is my horse. its my freedom and my sanity from kids and hubby.
as fo hubby and i , well he usually stays at his mums when we say enough is enough, or i spend overtime with my mother.
but you can come back refreshed and u can miss eachother again.
we also know its not the end of our marriage.
were one of them, can live with eachother, cant live without eachother.
but i admit when we have had time apart and when we see eachother again. were electric.
every marriage has its own mechanics.
but marriage and relationships are a day to day clock work.
when the clock strikes 12, it doesnt end.
thats why change is important to evolve and move forward.
its when you dont change and evolve, that the relationship becomes stale and you get the rise in divorce rates.
because its easier to give up these days.
why give up on a marriage, just because you need some space.
Just have some space and keep your marriage - it might come out better .
guiltygirl- I made a huge discovery which is going to be further fleshed out in a book I am writing. Basically, some women find monogamy hard going. So after a time they go of sex with the hubby. Society and sex therapists alike label such women with having low sex drives. but guess what? They get there hormones checked and often they are at totally normal levels.
My theory is that these women are not off sex, they are off sex with their husbands. If you add to this the fact that women tend to me naturally more sexually repressed than men, then you get the ugly boredom that passes for many marriages these days.
The reason women are more repressed than men is because of two things. Religion, and religion. Basically a woman who likes sex is labelled a xxx, so if a woman wants to be a "good girl" she naturally gravitates to asexuality. It's so sad. I would like to see all women reach their full sexual potential, which, truth be known is higher than any man could reach.