Does a drunken mind really speak a sober heart?

chris1130 · 08-11-2008, 08:10 AM

Saturday my husband and I went to a party and he was drinking all day. We were getting along great at the party but on the way home we were talking and all of a sudden he got really nasty. He started bad mouthing me, my family and my friends. We have been married for a little over a year but have been together for about 5 1/2 years. He told me that I haven't made him happy in the 5 1/2 years that we have been together and I don't act like a proper wife and all I care about is myself. He was saying a lot of really hurtful things especially about my family, which I do not tolerate. He told me that my friends and family are worthless and I'm not allowed to see them unless he is there. I was so confused and had no idea where this was all coming from especially since we were having so much fun together at the party. I was so furious that when we got home I went for a walk around the neighborhood for about an hour just to think. When I got home he had the door bolt locked with a chair up against it so I couldn't get in. Thankfully I had my keys and after a few tries pushing on the door I was able to move the chair. He was passed out drunk on the sofa. I have only said about a dozen words to him the remainder of the weekend and he has not apologized once for the hurtful things that he said to me. I haven't been wearing my wedding ring either but I don't even know if he notices. This isn't the first time that he has bad mouthed my friends and family when he is drunk. I am seriously considering leaving but I am scared. I just don't know how to leave and I am afraid that I am going to regret leaving but I can't stay in a relationship like this. I just don't understand why he says such mean things when he is drunk. Is it because he is thinking it when he is sober?

Amplexor · 08-11-2008, 10:17 AM

Alcohol can make people say things that they do feel when sober. Many times they see things in a magnified manor. Ignoring the incident won’t improve anything. You need to speak to him and let him know how much the things he said hurt you. He needs to be sober during this conversation. Arguing with a drunk is not productive. There may some problems with your friends and family that could be improved with a conversation. Or at least a better understanding. If the drinking is a common occurrence, and it sounds like it is, there are obviously other issues that need to be addressed.

ljtseng · 08-11-2008, 10:36 PM

My brother only says what he is really thinking when he's drunk. When he's sober he's all proper and evasive. He says he likes to drink because its the only time he feels he can just say what is on his mind. Like all the walls come down.

Why are you scared to leave? what do you think you'll regret about this relationship? Maybe you can just separate for a little while so you dont feel rushed.

draconis · 08-11-2008, 11:04 PM

My father in law is an alcoholic but with a few short relapses has been sober for almost twenty years take a way one night 18 years ago and 3 weeks a year ago. But on the alcohol he was a different person in temper and verbally. I normally like him but I couldn't stand him and niether could my wife.

If he isn't willing to give up the alcohol and get help then you need to look at your options for leaving. Talk to a divorse lawyer.

draconis

chris1130 · 08-12-2008, 08:06 AM

I don't want to make it sound like he has a drinking problem because he certainly doesn't. He probably only drinks 2 or 3 times a month, it's just when he does drink he says things that he wouldn't normally say when he is sober. I just don't understand why he says these hurtful things to me and why his whole attitude towards me flips like a switch. I am scared to leave because I love him so much and I want to do everything in my power to make this relationship work but I feel like I am fighting a losing battle with him. I have given this marriage my all and I feel like all he has done is just sit back and expect me to make this work on my own. It's so frustrating and emotionally draining. I attempted to talk to him yesterday about how I felt and he was really quiet. He said that he didn't think that anything he said to me was hurtful but it could have been because he wasn't on the receiving end of the conversation. I wish I could video tape him when he is drunk just so he can see and hear the way he is towards me. I told him that I am leaving this weekend to stay with my mom. I don't know if it is going to be permanent or temporarily but right now I just can't be with him. I seriously don't feel anything towards him at this moment especially after all that he was saying Saturday night. I told him that even though I won't be staying at the house for awhile I still want to work on this marriage and I think we should go to marriage counseling. He said that if I leave than he isn't going to counseling and I'm not allowed to come back. That right there tells me that he isn't willing to work on this marriage. I know what will happen though, I will leave to go to my moms and he will be calling me within a week begging me to come home. I am just so confused.

ljtseng · 08-12-2008, 11:04 AM

I think the hard thing is that you really do love him and want this to work. So you are giving your all and it sounds like he is just sitting back and letting you do the work.

I feel that way with my husband a lot of times. i feel like im doing all the work and he's just enjoying the ride. So ive actually stopped doing the work. Its sad to do that because we really drift apart and sometimes i wonder if the marriage will work. but i cant stay in it if im going to be so emotionally drained all the time. It just wouldnt be worth it.

I know you want the marriage to work but you have to ask yourself if this is how you want it to work the rest of your life? Now that I've started to do my own thing and im drifting away, my husband is actually starting to ask me more questions. He is slowly coming around, i think. at least today anyway.

draconis · 08-12-2008, 03:16 PM

Alcoholism isn't just about people that drink all the time. A person that has had issue with it before will tell ou that it only takes one drink to be down that road again.

He drinks to excess when he does drink?

His personality changes?

Signs of alcoholism. Even if he isn't an alcojolic it sounds like the problems start once he does drink.

draconis

chris1130 · 08-14-2008, 09:35 AM

My husband I have decided to go to marriage counseling. We meet with a counselor Saturday morning. I am really hoping that this will help us. I am going to be staying with my mom for awhile. My husband doesn't like that idea but I think its for the best. I'm not sure how long I will be there for but I think while we are going to counseling it would be good to be apart for awhile. I just feel that if I continue living there while we are going to counseling than it will cause more tension because we may not like what the other person said while in counseling, this way it gives us time alone to actually think and reflect on what was said without it causing arguments. We haven't really been having "problems" it's just the little things build up until you just can't take it anymore. I feel disrespected and unappreciated by him. He doesn't know how to treat a woman right. He bad talks me, my family and my friends. He doesn't have one romantic bone in his body. He doesn't help me around the house. He ignores me but openly flirts with other women right in front of my face. He never wants to have sex. He talks to me like I'm a child and puts me down in front of other people. He acts like I annoy him more than anything. I just can't take it anymore. I feel like I fight every day to make this marriage work while he sits back and expects me to make this work on my own. A person can only take so much before it just breaks them down. By him disrespecting me and me tolerating it I am only disrespecting myself and I am worth so much more than that. I am hoping that time apart, as well as marriage counseling will help. I think it will work as long as we BOTH have a open mind about it.

Amplexor · 08-14-2008, 09:42 AM

Good for you both in taking the step towards counseling. I can understand your reasoning in staying apart during this period but remember counseling only will not fix all the problems in your marriage. Positive communications will be needed by both parties. My guess is this will be a significant challenge for him. He has a lot of bad behaviors and attitudes to overcome. Respecting you as his wife should be a first priority. Good luck as you move forward.

ljtseng · 08-14-2008, 09:52 AM

I think thats good that you are staying apart for a little while. I separated from my H for a month and it helped me a lot. The problems were still there when i got back, but it wasn't so intense and i could see his manipulations and not react to them.

draconis · 08-14-2008, 01:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amplexor

Good for you both in taking the step towards counseling. I can understand your reasoning in staying apart during this period but remember counseling only will not fix all the problems in your marriage. Positive communications will be needed by both parties. My guess is this will be a significant challenge for him. He has a lot of bad behaviors and attitudes to overcome. Respecting you as his wife should be a first priority. Good luck as you move forward.

draconis