Wife wants to move out!?!?!
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Old 08-11-2008, 11:45 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife wants to move out!?!?!

Hello, I don't even know where to begin. We been together for about 6 years and married for one year. We just bought a house together in April...and that's when things started to get bad. We always got along great and enjoyed each others company. Everyone always said that we were great together. Shortly after we moved into our new house I started noticing some changes and she was being distant. She stayed out late and didn't call. Started going out with her friends more. I let her be because I knew she was going through a lot of stress. (Her parents got divorced in January) About a month goes by and still the same. So I confront her about it and asked her to tell me what is going on. She says "nothing, dont worry about it." But my gut feeling tells me something is not right. I'm not proud of what I did...but I had to do some "spy work" to figure out what's going on. I find out she has been talking to and old guy friend that she knew before she met me. I confront her and ask who is he. She denied it at first but she finally told me that she needed someone to talk to. She said that I was not there for her. She tried to reach out to me back in January but I didnt know. She's having a hard time dealing with her parents divorce. She said she has stop contact with this guy because he started wanting more than just friendship. So we try to patch things up...but nothing. Now she wants to move out. She wants to move into apartment thats closer to work because our house is too far away. She says she does not believe in marriage anymore and does not want children. She also mentioned she feels like she has to work harder now than before to pay bills. I really don't know what's going...I want to talk and work things out but she does not want to. I suggested that we go to conseling but she does not want to. She started looking at apts a few weeks ago but she said she will be moving out end of this month. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make this work but it seems like she does not want to. I don't want her to leave. I truly love her no matter what. I know I'm not a perfect husband but I know that I have been good to her. How do I get her back? Should I let her move out so she can have her space? Any feedback is appreciated...I'm at a complete lost! Thanks.
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Old 08-11-2008, 10:08 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to move out!?!?!

Definitely keep trying to communicate with her and tell her how you are feeling. But ya, let her move out if that's what she wants. She will only resent you in the long run if she feels that you made her stay in any way.

As hard as it is let her know that you love her and that you want her to be happy. If leaving is what she needs to be happy then you dont want to make her stay. It will only lead to things that really hurt you.

Try to do things that make you happy. If you get bogged down in this and become miserable she is less likely to want to come back. If you are happy and independent she is more likely going to want to be around you.
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Old 08-11-2008, 11:11 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to move out!?!?!

Communication is the key to any long term relationship. It is important to hear and listen to what the person is saying and give empathy to them. You might start working on your skills now with her. If she returns to you then you will have the skills to continue this marriage if not then you will have them for where ever you go from here.

I think she might be trying to convince herself that she doesn't need or want you. The best you can do is be there for her.

Finally remember all you can give is 100%. Marriage is a two way street and she needs to add to it as well. By doing ehat you can atleast you will know that you tried.

best of luck.

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Old 08-18-2008, 12:15 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to move out!?!?!

Thanks for reading and the advice!

Just to update:
We had a long talk. I told her that I've done a lot of thinking and realized that I was not 100% there for her. I know what changes I need to make and please give us another chance. I also told her that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to work things out and make it work. She says she still needs time and space and do things for herself and no one else. She said she is tired from making sure everyone else is happy.(ie...her parents, me, etc) She never stopped to make sure she was happy, and now she needs to make sure she takes care of herself first! So I've been giving her space. I don't call her or try to talk about the situation. We still live in the same house but it's kind of awkward. Sometimes we don't see each other often. But when we do see each other we talk about our day and just chit-chat. She also told me what her plan was on moving out. She will be moving out in a couple of weeks. She also mentioned divorce but there was never anything concrete. She says she wants to keep this drama free, and civil. I do as well. Sometimes I feel ok about her leaving. But sometimes I feel so sad and I'm crying on the inside. Some mornings I don't even want to wake up. I don't know what to do at this point. I really want this to work and I don't want her to leave. Please offer some advice or suggestions. Thanks!
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Old 08-20-2008, 01:07 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to move out!?!?!

The best that you can do is communicate with her more, but it sounds like she has already made up her mind on the situation. It takes two to make it work. I suggest you start to look at doing things for yourself like hobbies and such, maybe even the gym it helps you to get out of the rut a bit easier.

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Old 08-20-2008, 03:01 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to move out!?!?!

Let her go -back off. Play neutral for awhile. Don't do the classics -The keep calling her -What can I do ?, etc. . Just back off -get your own thing going. Not messing around on her. Just lay off. Let her call you. It works. When she does -say a few words , and say you have to call her back. Don't ! This will spark an interest in what you are doing, and always sound -Up beat !
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Old 08-22-2008, 11:19 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to move out!?!?!

I hear what you're saying. At first I was trying to do nice things for her and it obviously didn't work. Now I'm just being neutral. I actually don't call her, and I go home late to kind of avoid her. Sometimes when I get home, she is already in bed. I know this doesn't help solve the problem, but I don't think there is anything else I can do at this point. She is still moving out, she started packing already. There's still so much I need to tell her and want to talk about. But I don't know if I should tell her before she moves out or wait till after. Either way I don't think it will change anything. I think her mind is already made up. I still don't want her to leave but there's nothing I can do...
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Old 08-22-2008, 10:39 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to move out!?!?!

Well you can write it all down in a journal and even say that it isn't meant to change things but this is all the stuff you wish you could have told her. Chances are at least she will read it and know how you feel.

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Old 08-30-2008, 09:46 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I wrote her a letter telling her how I feel. She read it but she didn't say anything to me about it. Like I said before...she already made up her mind and she is moving out next week. It really frustrates me because it seems like she is giving up without even trying. She doesn't want to talk much about it and doesn't want to seek counseling. I asked her if she wanted a divorce or just seperate for a while so we can both have some time and space alone. She could not give a straight answer. She also said that she can't afford a divorce right now. I want to do something about it now before she leaves. I'm afraid that once she moves out...she will be gone forever.
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Old 10-05-2008, 02:53 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Hello, I just wanted to give an update. It's been about a month since she moved out. We only spoke on the phone a couple of times, just to chit chat and talk about bills. We met and had coffee together last weekend. We just had a nice friendly conversation, nothing about our relationship or our marriage. (just two friends talking). During the conversation, she did mention that she thought about moving to California because of work. I don't know if she is bluffing or serious. I still don't know what she wants to do. I want to ask her if she really wants a divorce? Or does she still need more time alone to think? Or does want to try and work it out? I want to ask her but I don't want to pressure her either. I want our marriage to work out but I don't want to do anything that will push her away more. This is really difficult because I'm kinda in limbo here...I don't know what to do. I need to move on with my life. When is a good time to ask her? Should I give her more time?

Last edited by idontknow; 10-06-2008 at 02:21 AM.
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Old 10-05-2008, 03:16 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to move out!?!?!

I think you're being irrationally nice. What about you. If you act the doormat, even if you get her back, unless this is a one-off crisis for her, she will do this again - leave you in limbo while she takes her time to access what she wants.

However, I don't see this as a one-off. The fact that her mother's divorce effected her to the point of needing to leave you shows she is profoundly damaged, and not really interested in your feelings.

Your relationship is unbalanced. She makes you wait for an answer, and you... wait. You need to value yourself as much as she values her self. In the final analyisis, Self is an illusion (so my wife tells me), but if you are going to have "selfs" one should not be place higher than another.

If it were me, I would say move back or divorce me. You've got a week to decide. After that, I would start dating.
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Old 10-05-2008, 03:31 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to move out!?!?!

My husband moved out in the spring. He gave many reasons similar to your wife. None of which made any sense--just more bizarre behavior. After all of these months he still doesn't know what he wants. Living in limbo is tough, but I'll take it for now. Living in limbo is still easier on me than ended a 22 year marriage. At least I still see hope this way. My counselor and I have discussed this a lot; she agrees there is no reason to "push" the issue. I now look at things a little differently. Since my husband had the issues and moved out, then he will have to be the one to file for divorce. I will not let him or his behavior provoke me into doing something that I don't want. I guess what you do and when you do it will depend on your patience.
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Old 10-05-2008, 03:44 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by MarkTwain View Post
If it were me, I would say move back or divorce me. You've got a week to decide. After that, I would start dating.
My therapist and I have discussed this approach also. And in the beginning I tried this (to an extent). It will be seen as an ultimatum and "controlling" behavior. For a spouse trying to decide on reconciliation or divorce, it could easily push them in the divorce direction. There's at least a 50% chance it could go that way. Is he comfortable gambling?
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Old 10-05-2008, 04:22 PM   #14 (permalink)
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827Aug-

You can't put your life on hold forever. If someone does not believe in you, you have to let them go.
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Old 10-05-2008, 04:45 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to move out!?!?!

She also mentioned she feels like she has to work harder now than before to pay bills.

Hmm.. she doesn't believe in marriage, and doesn't want to work hard for a nice place to live.

Ok, who does she think will pay her bills for her, and the those that pop up without notice? Santa?

I hate to tell her, if she doesn't want to be married, and doesn't want to work hard. She had better hope to win the lotto, or their really is a Santa, because mostly she will find it much harder making ends meet by herself. Not saying she can't do it, but it won't be as easy as having 2 incomes.
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