Acorn

My wife and I are 41, married 11 yrs with son-9 and daughter-5. We are on the verge of splitting up, although that is not what I want. I have learned through IC that the marriage was born out of co-dependence and emotional unavailability. I come from an abusive home; she has been raped prior to meeting her; it is not the most solid foundation to build on I guess.

We met during a time when both were going through a tough time and we both felt a wonderful connection. Everything was pretty good until our son was born, when things started to change. She began to pour herself into her work and my boy and her friends - seemingly anything she could do to get away from me. Sex life dropped drastically to once a month (roughly). I did what I thought I was supposed to do - accept and make the best of it. She wanted a second child. I told her I was worried about us, our connection was slipping away and her weight was increasing - she has always been a bit heavy so the extra baby weight of my son was really pushing things in the wrong direction. We agreed to have the second kid, and as part of the deal, she would work toward reaching a healthy weight once she had recovered.

One morning, I woke up and realized something was wrong. Took me 8 years to realize what I guess most would have realized in a week - that something was really wrong. I went to IC and realized my situation and worked on myself. I am much more "aware" now.

The problem is, I realize I've been a total doormat now and am extremely angry - both at myself for letting it happen and for her for taking advantage. She now sits at levels considered morbidly obese, on high BP medicine, and yet insists that she her intentions about our agreement were valid. She insists our sex life is good, and we just don't "need" sex that much, and would reject me every day that she wasn't perfectly in the mood. (When her monthly time comes, she will claim it lasts 14 days and basically will do nothing with me during that time.) She plans major decisions like vacations and financial decisions behind my back.

I realize this is half my doing because I allowed it. I know all too well all the "nice guy" stuff that I'm trying to recover from - still in therapy, etc. That being said, is there anything I can do to help her see what is really going on here? It is not normal for a mom to sleep with her son until he is 8. It is not normal for a wife to "not understand why her weight would matter". It can't be true that a wife could reject her husband for years and years and then wonder why his attraction has gone away.

I have medicated this situation about as long as I can through occasional porn use and many many individual hobbies. We've been in counseling for over a year now and nothing is getting traction. Basically, she's changed, I've changed, and we need to change together to re-bond, but I can't get her to realize that part of that is HER changing in ways that aren't easy for her. (Her defense of "If you loved me, you'd" is getting very very old.)

This is not where I wanted to be at 41! Help! Thank you!

Confus

Relationships can only be rebuilt if both partners are willing to grow and change. That means taking responsibility for the mistakes on both sides. If she's not willing to do that, then there's nothing to save.

sbbs

What a horrible situation to be in. How are you holding up under all of this?

Your wife's obesity and refusing to sleep with you are symptoms of a bigger problem. I know you've been to individual counseling, but has she?

You say that everything was pretty good until your first child came along. I'm wondering if your wife would say the same thing. She can't possibly be enjoying being hugely overweight, knowing it's causing her high blood pressure and repulsing you. Her comments about how sex isn't necessary to be happy sound more like rationalizations than statements about how she really feels.

Do you think there's any potential to improve things with couple's counseling?

Acorn

Sbbs: She has been to a handful of individual sessions, but the counselor ended the sessions saying that she does not appear to have any direction to what the sessions are supposed to be accomplishing.

I do think she rationalizes a lot. She is conflict avoidant so she finds something else to keep her busy, aka not me, lol.

I love my wife and I have felt good knowing we have spent so many years together. I guess all this time I thought we shared such a wonderful connection - it is very deflating to realize that much of it was in my head.

sisters359

As you have said, the relationship grew out of your mutual "weaknesses." Now you have grown as an individual, and she hasn't. You want to do the right thing and try to save the marriage before throwing in the towel. Good for you.

Unfortunately, unless your wife also starts to grow, little will change and the marriage will continue as it is. Is that what you meant, wife does not seem to understand what the sessions are supposed to be accomplishing? Then the therapist needs to break down things more, or change therapists. While a lot of people have very little insight, they can improve on whatever they have. Unless they have a mental illness, that is. An inability to take responsibility for one's life/decisions, etc., is a pretty clear sign of a mental health issue--is that what the therapist is trying to say?

Anyway, what is your biggest concern? If it is about the lack of sex, focus on that. Start flirting with her and treating her as a sex object some each day--she may feel ugly and a-sexual b/c of her weight, but if you treat her like she is sexually desirable, she may lose some of that inhibition. Reconnecting sexually may give her the impetus she needs to do something about her health (and kudos to you for approaching this as a health problem and not expecting her to look like a model). Do you have a gym membership? Start going as a family, or just start "family walk time" (outdoors if possible, at a mall or gym if not) each evening to get all of you up and moving to help mommy's blood pressure and b/c it's just good for you.

If your wife is making plans behind your back, ask yourself--and then her--why. Is it b/c you won't commit to a time for discussion? Does she know you will always object (maybe for good reason, but without compromise?) Does she do it b/c she feels so powerless elsewhere? Does she do it just to irritate you (tell her it is ok to admit that)? Talk it out, and set a plan for, well, making plans together.

She sounds unhappy and stuck, frankly--probably feels a lot like you do. Try to inject joy and connection. Don't escalate your sexual expectations right away--just make her feel she is sexy and desirable. It will take time for her to buy into that. And then do NOT bring up her weight, b/c she'll go right back to ground zero on self-esteem if you act like she's sexy and then point out her weight--she'll feel you were faking it and she "fell" for it b/c how can someone as fat as she is really be sexy? Let her know that the number on the scale is irrelevant but you do want her blood pressure issues to be less concerning and exercise (very moderate at first, and at a pace she can easily handle) is a good way to do that while connecting as a family.

Keep up your efforts even in the face of her resistance. How do you do this? You find compassion for her and you recognize her resistance has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the way she feels about herself. You try and try out of love. Eventually, you may have to give up out of love--if she really won't budge one inch on anything and you've tried and tried and tried, then ok. If you cannot sustain the compassion any longer, stop trying or you will grow to hate her. Better to divorce than hate if you cannot get to a point in the marriage where you are truly happy and content.

Acorn

Sisters359, yes that is sort of what I meant. I think my wife would tell you that she understands she neglected me for a long time, but now she's back and if we can just get over the past, we'd be fine. That's easy for her to say, of course. She has said she would get another therapist, but that was 5 weeks ago. I've given up pushing on this point.

I do not think my biggest concern is lack of sex (though it's up there), but rather just passion and priority for the relationship. For example, she had a holiday party for her work the other day...told me for 3 days she didn't want to go, but had to. The day of the party, I was having a very difficult time with things and for the first time in our marriage, I point blank asked her to stay home with me. I was having a rough go of it that day and all the intruders to the marriage were bugging me. I promised we could spend the night in bed reading, watching tv, whatever she wanted... I just needed her home. Her response was to stay out until 11:30p at the party and be upset that I made her make a choice.

I think she is more available to the idea of sex than usual now but it's fake. How could it not be? You spend 5 years making intimacy with your husband your lowest priority and now all of a sudden, it's something you like to do? No thanks.

I will keep trying. Sometimes she says something that is very encouraging, and I'll get a huge surge of hope... and then in the very next sentence she'll be talking about doing dishes and cleaning the kids clothes and I'll never anything more of it. It is very frustrating.

akcroy

I think Confus nailed it.

Somehow, strangely, your situation seems to reflect mine.

Atholk

Give my blog a read Acorn. You might like it.

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