I feel like divorcing my wife after 20 years, what to do?
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Old 12-18-2010, 11:25 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I feel like divorcing my wife after 20 years, what to do?

I need advise, I can't think straight on what to do. Am so in love with the other woman that am ready to leave all I have for her. I've been married and with my wife over 20+ years with teenagers. I don't believe in infidelity, I thought this will never happen to me, but I met another woman after 3 years of growing apart from my wife. While falling out of love in marriage I brought up to my wife we should do marriage counseling or see a therapist. I know what I've done is wrong, but after meeting new woman and after bein close friends, now I have been unfaithful to wife and feel like marrying other woman. Has this happen to anyone outthere? What should I do? I don't feel complete when together with wife, I feel great when sharing time with other woman. I feel I want to move with other woman and marry her. I feel too I need to tell my wife because am not being honest to her.
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Old 12-18-2010, 11:42 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like divorcing my wife after 20 years, what to do?

My advice... Don't make a decision to separate based on the other woman. She's likely got her own issues that you just haven't found yet.

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Old 12-18-2010, 11:46 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like divorcing my wife after 20 years, what to do?

How long have you been with this other woman?
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Old 12-19-2010, 02:28 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like divorcing my wife after 20 years, what to do?

Go ahead, get divorced and do what you think is great for the rest of your life. Don't regret! Your wife has the right to know you fall out of love and maybe she wants a divorce as well.
Tell her honestly. Why would your hide yourself with the OW in the darkness? Bring her out to the light if you truely love her as you said.
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Old 12-30-2010, 02:09 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like divorcing my wife after 20 years, what to do?

You have the right to fight for you happiness. If you really love this other woman don`t let her go. We only have one life. If you have gone this far there is no going back. if you have been growing apart from your wife for the last three years do you really think your relationship can improve in the next, three, five or ten. Your wife might be hurt now but in the long run this might be best for her too. My mother stuck around with my father for ten years too long. She fell in love with this other man but didn`t want to split our family.She was miserable for the next ten years and so was my father. They split up anyway in the end, only this other man was no longer around. She regrets it to this day.
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Old 12-30-2010, 02:26 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like divorcing my wife after 20 years, what to do?

Really think about it befor coming to an conclusion... Talk with your wife and see where she stands on the marriage... You might rediscover why both of you were drifting apart... Now go back and see what's the allure with the other woman... Everythings more fun and exciting when it's shiny and new... But befor you jump, check the 80/20, are you leaving 80 percent of what you have for the 20 that's missing...
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Old 12-30-2010, 02:38 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Post Re: I feel like divorcing my wife after 20 years, what to do?

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Originally Posted by WadeWilson View Post
Really think about it befor coming to an conclusion... Talk with your wife and see where she stands on the marriage... You might rediscover why both of you were drifting apart... Now go back and see what's the allure with the other woman... Everythings more fun and exciting when it's shiny and new... But befor you jump, check the 80/20, are you leaving 80 percent of what you have for the 20 that's missing...


thats what i was thinking. if you think you have developed feelings for someone else, i would say its fake. its easier to run that to stand and fight.

you need to work out your marriage, the divorce the proper way. and not see the other woman until you are free and clear from this one.

if its true love she will wait on you to end the relationship, before you move on.

if you dine and dash, that will be a whole brand new world of probs. i know its a lot of different opinoins here, just look in your heart of hearts and decide who you owe and explaniation to. and who can wait until you get you affairs [so to speak] in order.

best of luck....
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Old 12-30-2010, 10:45 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like divorcing my wife after 20 years, what to do?

Only 3% of affairs turn into a new marriage.

You're probably going to lose both of them if you try and make the jump from one to the other.

Work on your marriage.
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Old 12-30-2010, 12:57 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like divorcing my wife after 20 years, what to do?

While you may or may not stay married to your wife, you will always be a dad to your children. I am a many with two teenage kids, in a marriage of twenty plus years that I had much higher expectations on so I feel like I am walking in your shoes. Please take this as frank advice.

Run, do not walk away from the other women today. Your children will never forgive you for cheating on their mom. You will permanently damage your relationship with them forever if you walk down this path. You will be teaching them that it is acceptable to cheat and not honor your vows and promises. End it today. If your children find out, at least you can admit you made a mistake and ask forgiveness at this point. We are not perfect, but if you keep the other women in your life your children will never accept her, and will most likely ostracize you from them. Your short term happiness will never be worth loosing your bonds with your kids. Don't sell them short.

That is not to say you should stay with your wife. Work through your marriage issues without the distraction of another women. If you stay married or not, give your wife your 100% attention on the issue. Once you are divorced, then you can have the opportunity to search for that soulmate.

I wish you luck in your journey. Please feel free to PM me in the future.
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Old 12-30-2010, 08:28 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like divorcing my wife after 20 years, what to do?

I can`t agree with DennisNLA. Yes, you will always be a father to your children and being in a happy and fullfilling relationship can only make you a better, more generous and more understanding father. You can be there for your children always even if you divorce their mother. I had a much better relationship with both my parents once thay divorced. Maybe this is not the rule but if you are honest with everyone your children will probably understand in time. If the other woman loves you she will make an effort to make things work with your kids and if your children see that you are honest and are happy they will accept your choices.
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Old 12-31-2010, 03:47 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like divorcing my wife after 20 years, what to do?

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I can`t agree with DennisNLA. Yes, you will always be a father to your children and being in a happy and fullfilling relationship can only make you a better, more generous and more understanding father. You can be there for your children always even if you divorce their mother. I had a much better relationship with both my parents once thay divorced. Maybe this is not the rule but if you are honest with everyone your children will probably understand in time. If the other woman loves you she will make an effort to make things work with your kids and if your children see that you are honest and are happy they will accept your choices.
Hi Klara,

I never said he should stay with his wife. I said its wrong for him to CHEAT on his kids mother. Please see the difference in these statements. His only lifetime relationship is with his kids. The OP needs to take steps that will insure that he will have a positive relationship with them in the future.

That means do things in the right order. If you can not live with your EXISTING mate, let her go, deal with your relationship with the kids, move on THEN FIND a new mate. The OP is doing this in a destructive order that will only damage his relationship and teach wrong. I am suggesting to the OP to immediately break up with the OW, evaluate his current marriage without two women, and then walk a path that he can be fulfilled in his life and be a positive role model in their lifes.
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Old 05-05-2011, 10:27 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like divorcing my wife after 20 years, what to do?

I do agree with Dennis. Here is a something I came across. It's a good read.

The grass is always greener where you water it.

I saw this today on a FB post a friend of mine posted. This struck me as so profound. It's the law of sowing and reaping. And how many times have we seen this come true in our own lives. How many wandering men have let first their eyes stray to other women, then, their minds, their thoughts and eventually their time and even their money.

How many foolish men leave the wives of their youths because they have started to dally around with a coworker or some other random individual or even pornography for that matter. Where you put your time, energy and affection, that's the path that you have the most invested in. That's the path that is going to be green and lush. So, when a foolish man....or woman for that matter....starts spending more time, attention or money elsewhere resulting in that relationship being or seeming so great, what do they expect. Of course the new woman is going to seem shinier and greener than the old one. The new woman has been well watered by you. They are happy because you are investing your time, energy and money there. So, of course, they treat you lovingly, admiringly even.

And that wife who is angry and bitter......she looks like a patch of brown grass. Because YOU NEGLECTED HER. You haven't watered her with your time, talents, energy, conversation, love making, friendship. Of course she is a parched brown patch of grass.

This is where the saying that the grass is greener where you water it takes the most shape. IF you choose to spend your time, energy, money, affection, strength, friendship with your spouse, it logically stands to reason that is the relationship that is going to flourish the most.

And if you have already neglected that patch of lawn and it is already brown, it may seem like an easier path to just up and leave because it is already so damaged, but if YOU caused that HOW do you think you can just up and move on to greener pastures knowing the devastation you caused somewhere else. At the end of the day YOU have to look yourself in the mirror. You know what YOU have done. And in those quiet moments, your own mind and heart will not let you rest.

It's just something to think about.
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Old 05-05-2011, 09:05 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like divorcing my wife after 20 years, what to do?

Wantjoy- Excellent post and analysis. Completely agree with you and thanks for sharing this with us.
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