I have been on these forums for about a year now, and received some great advice on how to deal with my husband's long term EA / potential PA (no proof).
The quick, quick version is that husband - met 1997 and married in 2003 - had a 4+ year EA with another woman, he claims strictly texting, but she lived locally and they "sexted" (which he'd never sext with me...) and send naked photos. Kicker is OW was 300lb+ and I am fit and consider myself fairly decent looking. He said they never got together in person - I asked for him to take a lie detector test to prove no PA and he said no ("because he'd fail anyway since he'd be nervous".....). He claims to have severed ties as soon as I found out and she has since moved very far away. I busted him in Feb 2012 and since then we have not had sex but one time early on because I have ZERO attraction after the incredible betrayal. Our sex life was always extremely lackluster and he turned me down regularly.
Anyway, fast forward 2+ years to now. I have finally come to terms with everything and figured out how to live my life without him (I make 1/3 what he does and have a large horse farm and good horse business - aside from regular 9-5 state job - so I was trying to figure out how not to lose everything). Other than the infidelity issue and lack of sex and intimacy we have always had a good friendship / working partnership. We get along great, live well together, he's very responsible, doesn't mistreat me, easy to get along with, respectful, etc. Just there is NO physical attraction on my part. And I don't want to sign up for another 40 years of mediocre sex and lack of intimacy plus the trust will never be the same, of course.
We have finally talked out the details of sort of how we'd separate and when - but I find it hard to actually pull off because he says he doesn't want it (yet we have had no connection of any sort in 2+ years...) and so he lets any effort I make to move forward die out after we discuss it. Then we go another month and have to start the conversation over and same thing... I also guess since we are friends and he is a good roommate I find it hard to break the relationship - I have been with him since I was 19 so maybe that's the problem. But I know I don't want to have a physical relationship... so both of us have to move on unless we both don't want anything more for the rest of our lives (not me! I just turned 36). No children... he has a shift job where he works 24 hours at a time and has always been that way. I thought it was a good thing until realized it gave him 24 hours to talk to the other person. Could be doing god knows what during that time now at work - hard to trust.
Soooooooooo, is this normal or ?? Now that I am over the hatred and pain of what happened - which I had to let go of because it was killing me and aging me, etc - it's easier to be complacent but then again I also look forward to being single as well and would love to be able to date other people. The thought of him dating other people does not bother me at all. However, I guess it's unrealistic to think I won't miss anything about the relationship because most of it was very good until he blindsided me and ruined it. I had never an intention of getting divorced until then.
I am NOT a good decision maker and even though I feel like the decision is clear and made, and want to move forward, but I occasionally still waffle. Is this normal? :scratchhead: For instance, I hit a deer in my car the other night and was thankful for his help in dealing with it... but I guess anyone could help me with that. See what I mean? Any advice is appreciated!
The quick, quick version is that husband - met 1997 and married in 2003 - had a 4+ year EA with another woman, he claims strictly texting, but she lived locally and they "sexted" (which he'd never sext with me...) and send naked photos. Kicker is OW was 300lb+ and I am fit and consider myself fairly decent looking. He said they never got together in person - I asked for him to take a lie detector test to prove no PA and he said no ("because he'd fail anyway since he'd be nervous".....). He claims to have severed ties as soon as I found out and she has since moved very far away. I busted him in Feb 2012 and since then we have not had sex but one time early on because I have ZERO attraction after the incredible betrayal. Our sex life was always extremely lackluster and he turned me down regularly.
Anyway, fast forward 2+ years to now. I have finally come to terms with everything and figured out how to live my life without him (I make 1/3 what he does and have a large horse farm and good horse business - aside from regular 9-5 state job - so I was trying to figure out how not to lose everything). Other than the infidelity issue and lack of sex and intimacy we have always had a good friendship / working partnership. We get along great, live well together, he's very responsible, doesn't mistreat me, easy to get along with, respectful, etc. Just there is NO physical attraction on my part. And I don't want to sign up for another 40 years of mediocre sex and lack of intimacy plus the trust will never be the same, of course.
We have finally talked out the details of sort of how we'd separate and when - but I find it hard to actually pull off because he says he doesn't want it (yet we have had no connection of any sort in 2+ years...) and so he lets any effort I make to move forward die out after we discuss it. Then we go another month and have to start the conversation over and same thing... I also guess since we are friends and he is a good roommate I find it hard to break the relationship - I have been with him since I was 19 so maybe that's the problem. But I know I don't want to have a physical relationship... so both of us have to move on unless we both don't want anything more for the rest of our lives (not me! I just turned 36). No children... he has a shift job where he works 24 hours at a time and has always been that way. I thought it was a good thing until realized it gave him 24 hours to talk to the other person. Could be doing god knows what during that time now at work - hard to trust.
Soooooooooo, is this normal or ?? Now that I am over the hatred and pain of what happened - which I had to let go of because it was killing me and aging me, etc - it's easier to be complacent but then again I also look forward to being single as well and would love to be able to date other people. The thought of him dating other people does not bother me at all. However, I guess it's unrealistic to think I won't miss anything about the relationship because most of it was very good until he blindsided me and ruined it. I had never an intention of getting divorced until then.
I am NOT a good decision maker and even though I feel like the decision is clear and made, and want to move forward, but I occasionally still waffle. Is this normal? :scratchhead: For instance, I hit a deer in my car the other night and was thankful for his help in dealing with it... but I guess anyone could help me with that. See what I mean? Any advice is appreciated!