So, here I am again. I am so frustrated... My H and I have been together nearly 10 years and it's getting worse as time goes on. I've explained in previous posts about his swings of anger about trivial matters, (buying toilet paper at a grocery store vs Costco), his outbursts of punching walls and destroying furniture, lack of intimacy, abrasive personality, and now its something completely new and I don't even know what to do. Supposedly now I'm treating him like a child and I am testing him with various power trips. Seriously I don't know what to do anymore.
I know I have some part in this I do, I just don't know what to do more than what I'm doing... I've read every couples book I can get my hands on, I got to counseling, I try to watch my tone and how I ask questions; I feel like I am giving this my all. But he talks about going and never does, and says that if I don't like how he acts now then whats the point of being together, then I mention places for me to go for awhile and he says I'm so extreme and nothing he does is ever good enough.
**Start of TMI**Then theres the bedroom. In the past 6 months we've been intimate MAYBE 10 times - all of which were initiated by me. I feel so inadequate. And when I try to talk about it he says why would he want to do that if I treat him so badly. I still would do other things just for him as well during this timeframe. As far as I go, he's done that less than 10 times in the nearly 10 years we've been together, and I'd say all of them were in the first 5 years. I feel very alone and try not to think about this but it bothers me a lot
**End of TMI**
Cut to last night. My back has been out of whack and I have sleep apnea (I need a stupid mask to sleep) and last night as I'm trying to calm down while watching TV he brings out my comforter and pillow and says I can sleep on the couch - then locks our bedroom door. I know no matter how frustrated I am with him or how much he's hurt me I would never do these things, but he does and validates them and doesn't feel sorry. And it's things like that I have a hard time forgetting.
I can only talk here because when we have issues I'm not supposed to spread our business around. But he can talk to his friends because they don't talk with their wives... I want to fake being sick so I don't have to see our families on Christmas. I don't think I can pretend everything is fine anymore.
Wait a minute--he punches holes in the walls, destroys the furniture, has screaming fits about the smallest things, and then says you're the one going on power trips?!
You say you have to super-careful about how you speak to him, and that he gets upset if you discuss your marriage with people you're close to, but he gets to talk about your marriage with the people he cares about?
Screw this. He's an abusive SOB.
Make a few phone calls or visit people when your husband's not around. Talk with the people who love you and tell them everything. No-one should feel forced to be afraid all the time or to feel isolated in their unhappiness.
You deserve better than this, no matter how annoying your toilet paper buying habits may be. (Seriously--grocery store versus Costco? That's enough to start a hissy fit? What the hell is wrong with him?)
My mother married a guy like your husband and stayed with him for an awful 21 years. Don't make that same mistake. And I just got out of an abusive marriage, myself, so I really understand your "I'm going to burst!" feeling.
If you'd like someone to talk to, feel free to PM me. Good luck.
"Make a few phone calls or visit people when your husband's not around. Talk with the people who love you and tell them everything. No-one should feel forced to be afraid all the time or to feel isolated in their unhappiness."
This is another area I am confused... My family is not a good support system and my closest friends are married to or dating his(living together), seriously.... If I went to stay at anyones house he would find out and be mad and EVERYONE would know and I don't know if i'm ready for that myself. Not just that but bombarding someone's home at Christmas would be soo hard for me. I feel stuck and I think he knows that. I know I need to leave but I don't know if there is any coming back from this. I don't know how to erase all the hurt. People forgive and forget and I don't know how to do that. He says he could be so nice for a week then get mad and yell and I'd be upset so nothing he does is good enough so why even try when I remind him of all his mistakes. Maybe I do.. I compare our problems to a snow ball. Like it started and got bigger and bigger and even though its not always being added too with more snow, it happens frequent enough that most of the snowball is still there becuase it didn't have time to melt...
I hear you on not wanting other people to know. Heaven only knows I felt embarrassed and ashamed of being in my marriage. I held out until I felt like I was going to explode. Now that I've left, I can tell you that there was nothing for me to be embarrassed about or ashamed of.
I was very surprised to find that everyone I knew was sympathetic. Not only that, but many people had had the feeling that things weren't really all right and hadn't been for a while. They just didn't know how much help I wanted or would have welcomed. Some people told me that they were relieved that I'd finally come out with how our relationship had been going, and they fully supported my leaving.
I had trouble understanding what you said about your friends. Did you mean that they're all married to or living with his friends or relatives? Unless your friends are incredibly self-centered, they'll care much more about the abuse you've been living with than about whether your husband will still like them. If one of your friends were living with an abusive husband, wouldn't you want her to come to you for help?
Your husband has much more to lose than you do, if you tell people how he's been treating you. He's the one who should feel embarrassed and ashamed, or scared that people will find out what he's been doing to you. He knows that. That's why he works so hard to make sure you keep quiet.
If I were you, I wouldn't worry about repairing any damage that your leaving does to the relationship. Look--is that relationship one you really want, for itself, anyway? He treats you like crap and you're scared all the time.
And don't worry so much about forgiving and forgetting, or erasing the feeling you have of being hurt. You have good reason to feel hurt and very, very angry. Those feelings shouldn't always be erased or forgotten so quickly; you have them to help show you what's unhealthy or unjust in your life. Use that hurt and anger to give you the energy to help yourself have a better life.
Yes, later on you can forgive him for making your life miserable. And, yes, you'll be better off for being able to do that. But, for now, listen to your instincts and get the hell out of there. Forgiveness can come later, after you've left, started your own life ,and healed at least most of the way over.
And don't think for a second about how your husband feels. He treats you like crap. To hell with him, for the moment--worry about yourself and your physical safety.
I had trouble understanding what you said about your friends. Did you mean that they're all married to or living with his friends or relatives? Unless your friends are incredibly self-centered, they'll care much more about the abuse you've been living with than about whether your husband will still like them. If one of your friends were living with an abusive husband, wouldn't you want her to come to you for help?[QUOTE]
My childhood best friend is married to his good friend, she has told me before to leave - almost 4 years ago and I'm embarassed I didn't then and actually married him. That and she has the BIGGEST mouth and would tell her husband who would tell mine asap.. There are no secrets or venting that wouldn't get out to him, from ANY of my close friends... Then my adult best friend is married to a good friend of my husbands and would tell him, then my other close friend is dating his cousin - for about 5 years - every person close to me is close to him. I just don't want to get them involved and having to choose sides because I know that's what it would come to and I need them right now.
I have been seeing a counselor and I think its doing a lot of good - he went with me last week but I didn't feel good about it afterwards. It was more like he was doing it for the show - like look what I'm doing to appease you, not I really think I need to be here. Part of my crazy head thinks we have a shot - becuase he does do a lot of things well, and because I'm so hell bent on not failing I will try anything to make this work. The other part of me reads my old posts and just is embarrassed I live like this. If any of my friends told me they were in this situation I would tell them it's/he's not worth it - so how come I am not listening to my own advice??!!
Part of me thinks I don't have it that bad. He doesn't hit me, he doesn't cheat on me, etc.. So it could be worse and I should'nt be complaining... Then the other part of me feels like even though it could be worse it should be better and I should be happy. UGH. My brain hurts...
All right, so your husband would hear, through the grapevine, that you've left him.
Would that really be so terrible? He'd find out why you've left sooner or later, anyway.
He already knows what he's doing to you. After all, he's the one doing it! And, of course, people will take sides. But, you know what--I'd bet you a truckload of cash that they'll all take your side.
If that means that relationships between your husband and his friends, or your husband and his cousin, are strained, then so be it. That's his fault, not yours. And the person who'd feel like they'd lost out on those relationships is your husband. Everyone else will just be sorry that your husband wasn't really the nice guy they'd thought he was. They'll be happy to not speak with him.
Do you have your own money? If not, is there any way for you to get money from his account(s), and do you have a job? How about transit--could you get around without him?
If you've got a way to get money and a way to get around, then you could leave on your own. Find somewhere you can afford to live, even if it's just a rented room somewhere, and get the hell out of there while your husband's at work.
If you think that your friends will tell your husband where you're living, then don't tell your friends where you're staying.
But you really, really have to leave. The more you let your fear tell you what to do, the more abuse you're likely to suffer. Get out of there.