Not Sure Where To Turn...

blyjette · 08-16-2008, 10:01 PM

My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years, we have 2 beautiful children together... I love him very much but I am getting to a point where I can not go on with things as they are.

My husband is currently unemployed and has been for a month, he hasn't put in any applications and any time someone mentions a job that he could apply for, he has an excuse. Prior to being laid off, he worked for three months, before that he was laid off by another place and he worked there 4 months. He was unemployed for 3 months before putting in apps. In the last 5 years that we've been a couple he has been laid off of every job he's had... and that's only been 4 jobs, never working for longer than 9 months or so.

Our children and 3 and 1, so obvisiously we need money coming in. I don't mind getting a job but I refuse to go to college, take care of the kids, work, AND do chores if I am married. There is no reason for it. I can not leave the 2 kids with him because he simply will not watch them close enough and yells at our 3 yr old son more than he should.

We have been through a marriage class, a Christian marriage class, renewed our vows, prayed, and nearly anything that I can think of... I do not know where to turn. I DO love him but I will NOT put up with doing it all, if I'm not a single mother!

It seems like every 4 or 5 months it comes back to me being at my wits-end about things, not knowing where to turn, and seeking outside advice... I can not go on living like this, it's not healthy for my children or myself. I am 24yrs old and he is 34yrs old... I thought being with an older man ment that he was more mature, but I have since found out that it's not always the case.

He does have a background of drug and alcohol abuse and has a felony and no drivers licesnse, but we have family that is willing to drive him around and such, and there are a ton of people out there with felonies that still get jobs and hold them. I understand that todays job market is not the greatest but he has NO chance of finding a job if he doesn't apply. I can not make him do it, he is an adult and has to make his own decisions... I have tried talking to him but it just doesn't seem to do any good. Please, any advice would be appricated!

draconis · 08-17-2008, 05:30 AM

blyjette ~ I understand your frustration at the situation at hand. A felon with prior use of alcohol and drugs does not stand out as a good role model or a dependable guy. It seems you are doing everything you can for your family, mean while he is only working 40% of the time and adds nothing to the household.

If you are considering divorce then ask if you or your children will be better off, and if you have given things every chance to fix them. You have been to all kinds of counciling and it seems he just doesn't get it and you seem to have family willing to help.

I would say that you already know the answer to the question about divorce but are trying to understand why.

draconis

827Aug · 08-17-2008, 07:39 AM

Are you sure his alcohol and drug use are just in his background? His lack of work ethic and lack of motivation make me wonder if he is still using them. I really feel for you. I also sense you are a religious person; that makes divorce a hard choice in your situation. Therefore, I'm going to make a suggestion based on the Bible. In Matthew 18:15-17, it list three steps of confrontation--many counselors call this intervention. Step 1 is for you to speak to your husband openly about his problem. You have already done this to no avail. Step 2 is for you to have one or two other people speak to your husband. Have you had someone, whom your husband respects, talk to him? Step 3 is to have the church confront him. In the meantime keep your faith and keep praying.

If those steps don't change anything, I'd probably try some tough love. Do you have family you could stay with for awhile? If so, perhaps you and the children could stay with them. Before moving out have a serious talk with your husband. Tell him exactly what it's going to take to restore the family and leave the door open. This problem really needs to get fixed soon--it isn't good for you or the children.