I am begging for help!!!
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Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 08-17-2008, 10:21 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I am begging for help!!!

Hi everybody.

I come to this forum to seek for some advices from you who are more experienced than me in Marriage or/and have already gone through this type of situation I am currently facing and it's tearing me appart.

I am 27 years old, south-Brazilian and work as a software developer. I have been married since 2002, so, it's going to be a 6 years marriage already.

For a long time, untill maybe a few months ago, we could brag to everybody that we have never had a single argument during our married lives. But from some 6 months ago to now, it's becoming almost daily. Sometimes over small points, sometimes it gets really frustrating.

We have 2 children, we planned them, they were not an 'accident' as we call it here in Brazil when we were not planning on having a baby and it comes.

Our children are lots of fun, but they do take a loooot of our time and patience, because they are hyper-active children. We saught help in many different podiatrics so they could help us ease their hyper-activisms, but none of them considered any medications to give them due to its colateral effects. So they told us to be more patient.

My younger son is 6 months old, so a couple of months before he was born, I started to perform my work at home, so I could be more present with my wife and help her with things at home and with our older son (3 years old). It was not easy at all, for it took a lot of self-control of my part so I wouldn't put my profession down in the drain.

I gotta tell, I am not a veeeery patient father, my kids can only push me to a certain limit, after that I lose control and they start crying and yelling and I do not know what do to. I get really lost, though I am never violent, when I loose control, I become like a statue, with no reaction whatsoever.

When our younger son was born, our older son became really jealous of his little brother and kind of forgot many things he had learned. So, nowadays my wife sleeps with them both and I sleep on the couch that we put in our bedroom. I was totally against that, but since my wife told me that it would be easier for her, I was ok with that.

A couple of months ago, things started getting tougher here, I got this job opportunity of going for an internship overseas for during 4 months. I will be working for this huge IT company in Germany within a huuge development project at Volkswagen/Audi. So I couldn't turn that down at all!

It represents a very good upgrade on my Curriculum and a very good raise on my paycheck. But right when I told the company I perform some freelancer services for, that I was going out and get hired at this big company, they made me a propposal righ away. It was a good proposal, wealth-wise and that I wouldn't have to be far from my family for 4 months.

My wife thought I would accept that propposal right away, she became very excited with that possibility that I wouldn't go overseas.

But much to her dismay, I turn down the offer, and next week I will be going overseas and staying there for the next four months.

I considered both of the companies' pros and cons. but still, within some years what each one will represent on my carrieer and on my family's wealth is quite different.

I do not like being far from them, I want to be with my kids and wife, but I needed to make that decision and that would either way be bad for my wife's expectations or for my resumée.

Since I took that decision (and it was the VERY FIRST decision I took that wasn't something she agreed on) she has become very sad looking.

But that's not really the problem I come here to report. It's more about the fact that we have become more active with fighting and throwing each other's frustrations on each other's faces and become less talking couple.

Since we got married, I have ALWAYS asked her if she was happy with our marriage and if I was doing or saying something she didn't like or made her unhappy. She would always give me the: "you are a perfect husband, very comprehensive and a perfect father". So I always felt pretty good about that, though I never stopped asking her feedbacks about me.

When we were still dating, I always told her that I didn't know how to deal very well with kids, that I get stuck when I loose control of the situation, and she was also ok with that.

But nowadays, as kids are growing and becoming more and more demanding, we get more often in those 'out of control' situations, and that is a reason for her to really bringing the thunder down on me.

Since a couple or three years ago, we have been going down on the slope with our sexual activities. I mean, I am not a sexual adicted, but I do love the intimacy and the pleasures of that part of marriage.

Nowadays, we are down to a point where once every 4 or 5 months is a lot of sex. I am not sure if that's natural, but I confess that I hate that more than anything and that is making me really really frustrated.

Since she started becoming lesser interrested with sex, she has been signaling that if life was to be without sex whatsoever, she'd be totally ok with that.

Everytime I seek her for sex, I get the answer that "I am not in the mood honey".

So, I am not saying I am the good guy, I can see her frustrations and I totaly understand them. I see how much she tires at taking care of the kids so I can do my work. I see how frustrating it is for her not to be able to do her things whenever she feels like it. I see all these things. And untill now, I have done soooo many things to help her easen that frustration. I moved my work to home - I know it's kind of dangerous to bring work to home - so I could be more often with them other than just being the five o' clock husband.

The kids drive us crazy crying and yelling literally all day long and the older one refusing to obey the simplest request.

The younger one demanding 24/7 attention and the older one trying to level himself down to his brother all the time.

My older son asking me to go and play with him 24/7 and me having to tell him "dad's got to work". All these things are killing me and my wife.

I sincerelly feel our mutal affection gone down to the drain. I still love her like heck, she is my better half. But I strongly feel that we got to the point where we are now just bound to the responsibility of having two kids and to an ok friendship, nothing else.

She is 24/7 with a angry looking on her face, I said, I totaly understand how tired she is and how frustrated she is, but it kills me to see that face all the time. I ask her if she is ok with me, if she is mad at me and she says: "I am just tired". But when we get into an argument she throws all the crap on my face.

I've gone down to the point of regreting to have married, sometimes I feel that I wish I wasn't married at all.

Sorry for all my frustrations, if I do not get any valuable help here, at least it worked as a form of spitting all these things out, and perhaps that's already the help itself.

I got to go, my wife is yelling at the older son and I have to help there and get back to work.

Sorry for all my English mistakes.
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Old 08-17-2008, 10:42 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am begging for help!!!

MrAnderson,

You need to ask her why she is always looking so sad, and what you could do to cheer her up. she is clearly resentful, so you need to find out exactly what she is resentful about.

Ask her what would make her life perfect right now if she could have it.

If she mentions the overseas job, tell her she was unhappy before that, so you want to know when she first started feeling unhappy. The decline in sex is the clue, it probably happened about the time of the resentment build-up.

Your english is good

Last edited by MarkTwain; 08-17-2008 at 10:48 AM.
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Old 08-17-2008, 11:08 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am begging for help!!!

Thanks a lot MarkTwain for the great help. I will definitelly talk to her tonight.
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