My wife and I reconciled 3 times and this looks like what happened to me on try number 2.
Originally Posted by what_to_do_now View Post
We're at a point where we're finally just about to start marriage counselling in 2 days. The problem i'm facing, is that I'm going to with "both feet in" to do whatever it takes to work on our marriage. My wife, however, is still on the fence. She is going to marriage counselling to help her decide if she wants to work on our marriage or if she wants to go out on her own and establish herself in the world.
This is looking at things backwards. You can't fix the marriage yourself and you shouldn't have to, she had the affair so its her job to fix it, not you. You jumping in with both feet means you are doing all the work and she does nothing. The more you do, the less she'll do. You need to be the one on the fence, not her. She needs to win you back since she did you wrong to begin with.
She says she'd like our marriage to work, but has doubts that the "in love" can come back. She'd like it to, but just doesn't know how that is possible. Her heart is still with the "other man" (who is also married) and is committed to his relationship. She just doesn't see how her heart can undo that and then focus on me.
My wife said the same thing. You know what helped get that "loving" feeling back? Telling her "I want to get this embarrassment of a marriage over with". Nothing like a loss to find out how you really feel about someone. If she thought she would lose you then there would be a chance. You sticking around to work on the marriage will most likely fail.
She has to think you are done and want out of the marriage. Don't wait for her to get her feelings back (it won't happen), take matters in your own hands and try to end things.
If your marriage is going to work, she has to be the one that does it. She has to try to stop you from leaving her. Otherwise she is just going to fake "working" on the marriage until she finds an out and leaves herself.
Had I just said screw it to MC and filed for a divorce, odds are the 2nd time would had been the last time. Instead I tried to MC route and gave 110% only to have her go back the the OM (which I also thought was over for good).
Good luck with whatever route you take.