Okay, I know I've been a little needy and I apologize for that. I just feel like there's something terribly wrong with me. Last night, I completed the questionnaire in the back of "The Five Love Languages" (?correct title) and I felt as though I couldn't answer most of the questions. It asks you basically what kind of interaction you enjoy with your husband. The whole time I'm thinking....neither. I felt like I had to lie just to complete the questionnaire. Does this mean I don't love him?
Second, I've been contacting this guy off and on at myspace and he is basically blowing me off. Now, there has never really been anything between us. I used to take dance classes with him, I had a dream about him recently, and felt compelled to contact him. He's a lot younger than I am, and I know he has no interest in me. But, there was this part of me that liked the idea of having a relationship with him. Especially, the way he answered my messages in the beginning. Of course, now I feel like a desperate loser. He's in California, and I think this was just a fantasy to get me away from the reality of my deteriorating marriage. I know I need to drop this one...it's only making me feel bad about myself.
But...I went to bed last night after sending him a brief message (still no response today), feeling lonely and unloved. Crazy, right? All because some guy I barely know doesn't give a rip about me. I cried myself to sleep. I wasn't even really sure why I was crying. I don't know if it was him or the fact that maybe I don't know how to love or be loved in an intimate relationship.
This got me thinking about something not totally related to this forum, but related to me. I don't have any friends...I haven't made any intimate friendships since high school. There's got to be some link. Lack of social skills? I don't know, I think it's that I am very self-protective as Draconis also pointed out before. I don't want to let anyone in too close because I'm afraid I'll get hurt somehow. My family members are the only ones I feel I can completely trust.
I don't think I can change these things about myself. Am I going to feel lonely and unloved for the rest of my life? Sorry this is so pathetic. I appreciate your input and/or support.
Don't be sorry, you are depressed. You were low on self esteem and this guy gave you attention for some time. This made you feel better even if it was artificial. Do you get out for hobbies? Maybe a large part of your relationship and your life hangs on the issues you have brought up here. Maybe all hope isn't lost but you crave social interaction.
Draconis- I do have hobbies, which I've mentioned before I think...hip-hop dance, exercising, shopping, and reading. 3 out of 4 can easily be done independently. I think I'm a bit awkward in social situations, not really sure what to say...more accurately worried about what others will think about what I say. I do crave social interaction, and not having any friends really makes me feel like a loser. (Yes, I know...low self-esteem, but I am only being honest).
MT- Getting some friends is a great idea...believe me, I've tried. I would love nothing more. Like I said though, it just hasn't happened. I have been making an effort lately with my co-workers to find some connection. I can talk with people, but never get beyond that initial acquaintance stage. It's strange, I'm a bit of an introvert, but I still do yearn to have social interaction, especially in small groups of people where I feel safe. As for your question about my husband, he has friends at work and friends he's made and lost contact with over the years, but he doesn't have anyone he goes and does things with. He doesn't think he needs anything more than his family.
I can bring up diagnoses all day (SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER), but it doesn't change that I have to deal with it somehow.
This really may be nothing that anyone can help me solve, but I was curious what you guys thought about my responses about "The 5 Love Languages Book"? Most of the questions were difficult for me to answer honestly. Have you read the book or seen the questionnaire? It would be nice to have at least one healthy, successful relationship in my life.
Somebody wrote a book called 'feel the fear but do it anyway' or something like that. I have never read the book, but the title has always been my mantra. Lots of things scare me, but if I waited until the fear went, I would never try anything new.
It's like climbing into a cold swimming pool. At some point you just make up your mind to "take the plunge".
You are exactly right. Tackling my fears has been a work in progress for me. I make strides forward, then take a few steps back...or something like that. I know you may think the bi-polar thing has no significance, but I can tell you how much I see the changes and patterns in me over time. This is one of those times where I just wish I could escape this world. A couple of weeks ago, I'm thinking I'm going to go out there and find the guy of my dreams. See the cycle? Overconfident....timidity and self-hatred. I've been like this all my life, which is why I have told my husband he's better off without me. I just have to tell it like it is.
Well when you're "up" your husband can enjoy you, and when you're down he can just love you - if you let him. The fact that he wants to carry on with you shows that you can't be quite as bad as you make out.
That's not fair...and not very nice. I don't think you would be that mean to me. My husband gets back tomorrow, so who knows what kinds of problems we might face? There are a lot of supporters on this forum that I'm sure would be willing to help me if you are unwilling.
I promise I will get to it when I can. At least, I bought the book...that should mean something. Besides, avoidance is something I'm good at...at least give me that much. Seriously, though, I am so exhausted emotionally, physically, and mentally right now, I don't think it would do much good to read it at the moment. Why do today what I could put off 'til tomorrow?
(At least I don't sound depressed, right?) Thanks for helping me keep my sense of humor.
I can relate to the whole social anxiety thing. I dont have any friends either. And I noticed that in my marriage everything my H does becomes magnified because of it. I rely so much on him for all kinds of support that when he doesnt give me everything i need i freak out. So to me when that boy you were writing didnt give you what you needed it was magnified because you relied on him solely for so many needs. I do not think any one person can meet all needs. They can meet some of them some of the time. This is just something i keep in mind when wondering if I am having realistic expectations from my H.
It's nice to know someone can identify with me. I have tried making new friends...for example, my sister got me involved in a book club that meets once a month. This is really nice, but none of these people are close friends to me. I find myself incapable of forming this type of relationship, and I know I was somewhat capable at one time. I was very fearful of being in relationships with the opposite sex, though. It's embarrassing, but my first 2 sexual encounters were while I was completely wasted, and I don't remember much. I relied on alcohol in order to socialize at all around my late teens/early twenties, and that's how I met my husband. I'm not sure why I'm telling you all of this, but what you said triggered something in my mind...memories of old.
Anyhow, back to what you were saying, I think we do rely heavily on our spouses to give us everything we need, and they should be freaked out. By the same token, I often feel like the only thing my husband needs from me is sex. Since that isn't my top priority, I don't go out of my way to make him happy. End result...neither of us is getting what we need. Crazy, huh?
As far as the other guy goes, I've been having fantasies about him and other guys that aren't my husband for years. I used to think this was really wrong since I was married, but now I think it's harmless unless you get to the point I did. I needed someone to make me feel excited and enthralled...and this guy did that, without even trying. I still check my messages every day to see if he responded to my last lukewarm message. Nope...each day I feel more depressed and stupid. I am married. I don't even know this guy well. I think I just want someone to be excited about and someone to be excited about me. Instead, I feel rejected.
So what do you think the solution is for people (say, like us) who have difficulty making friends. How do we get our needs met without driving our husbands crazy?
I needed someone to make me feel excited and enthralled...and this guy did that, without even trying. I still check my messages every day to see if he responded to my last lukewarm message. Nope...each day I feel more depressed and stupid. I am married. I don't even know this guy well. I think I just want someone to be excited about and someone to be excited about me. Instead, I feel rejected.
So what do you think the solution is for people (say, like us) who have difficulty making friends. How do we get our needs met without driving our husbands crazy?
I used to be very addicted to the attention I got from guys. It was exciting and distracting for me. It covered up some deep seeded issues. Problem is, once I was married and those issues started to show, I had nothing to distract me. Life was not fun anymore. I actually had to deal with myself. that is never cool.
Well, here is how I have learned to handle my anti-social behavior. Most of the time I am viewed as being a snob, rude, offensive, etc. It used to bother me and i wanted to be like everyone else. I used to have such anxiety about it. Which is kind of where attention from guys came in to play also. I found out that I could easily slide into a social circle by eliciting the attention of a guy. Nothing to it. Well, cant do that anymore either so i've been stuck in a conundrum for some time.
Counselors will inevitably try and 'fix' anti social people. giving one the impression that there is something inherently 'wrong'. I have decided, after much reading, classes, and observing of behaviors, that I am ok being anti-social and that there is nothing 'wrong' with it. Sure sometimes i take my daily dose of meds and go talk to a few folks, but that is just to create some balance in my life. But i feel no need anymore to push myself any further then I am comfortable.
I would say that I have learned to be incredibly self reliant as far as emotional needs go. I have to if this is the lifestyle I am choosing. I used to feel resentful for feeling like I had to hide my emotions and deal with things on my own. but now i realize that it is just my choice. Just because i choose to be anti-social does not mean my husband all of a sudden becomes more then human. he cant be something just because i want him to be something. and if i love him at all i will try to respect who he is and what he can give.
Wow! Great response. You seem to have reached a destination of near Zen. I guess I mean that you've figured out how to accept who you are and how to balance your lifestyle. You know, it's nice to hear you say that it's "okay" to be anti-social or whatever. Although, anxiety is a real problem for many people, many people don't realize or accept it. I have often been considered a snob, etc. as well. If only people knew the real me...I'm nurturing, kind, caring, and a bit annoying at times. But hey, nobody's perfect, right?
I love the last part of what you wrote...you have the appropriate attitude about your situation. (Sorry, but I can't seem to figure out the quote button...technology's not really my strength.)
"Just because i choose to be anti-social does not mean my husband all of a sudden becomes more then human. he cant be something just because i want him to be something. and if i love him at all i will try to respect who he is and what he can give."
What's wrong with me?
Re: What's wrong with me?
