Join Date: Jan 2011
| | Some advice please: Long read
I am new here and looking for some help.
I have been married since August 2010 and I am having some problems, that I need some help with.
Please bare with me, this could be long but I will try to summarize.
I met my wife on match.com early in 2008, we had a rocky start becuase I had lots of work on and I was having a hard time trying to balance a new relationship and work.
After 3 months things calmed down, and everything was much better with my work and our relationship really flourished. I was almost 2 years out of my last relationship was lasted for nearly 6 years and ended when she cheated on me with a work mate.
So anyway my new relationship was going from strength to strength, we clicked, we really got on, we were both falling in Love.
I was living with my grandmother (my parents abandoned me when I was 8), I had just lost £20,000 due to my investments in stocks and with the banking crisis of 2008 and thus lost my deposit on a home. I am from the UK and homes cost a fortune here.
Fast forward to sep 2009 we decided to get engaged, it felt right and it felt natural. I love this woman and we had everything in common and we were staying together almost 7 nights a week. She was renting a flat etc, and I was helping her with the rent, whilst I was living rent free with my grand mother who has a big home, I was in my old room that I had when my parents left me there which is the same size as a good size studio flat i.e it has living space and a bed room, it really is quite big. <-- Not showing off here, its part of the story.
So we talked about what we would do, the base of the converstaion was this. We either get engaged then continue renting her current flat, move out and go for a smaller flat, save and get married next year (2010).
She then suggested the possibilty of living with my grand mother as she does have a fairly big home, and we could then save for our own home.
My response was that, yes it would be a good Idea but would it not stress our relationship becuase you (she) are very independant and it could be a problem with my Grand Mother as 2 women in the same Kitchen etc. Also my Grand Mother is a wonderful woman, she is like my mother as she brought me up but she is old although you would not think it, but she can be annoying and she smokes. I went through all the down sides and she was adamant that it would be best, as we could save asap and we could get married next year and have a slightly bigger budget etc. So we planned to move in with my grand mother in Jan 2010
2 Months later NOV I discovered that she was a call girl for about a year or so. This hit me like a train, we were just engaged, I was in love and everything was great. Now I discover this... I told her and we discussed it, I then realised how she was able to pay the rent etc, she did have a real job, but she did this on the side. Now I cant say 100% but we were together all the time apart from the 1st 3 months of our relationship so I know she did not do it when we were together and I did ask her this. I went through everything and I guess she just wanted and needed the money, to survive, she has not real education, is dsylexic, but far from stupid, she is very bright.
I tried not to be Judgemental, and Wiped the slate clean and put it behind me. She also still had her call girl profile up on the website she was using since we got engaged, but I checked and she had not loged in since late 2008 when we were not together, however that pissed me off. She said she just wanted to forget it, and lanked it out.... OK whatever, this is the here and now I thought so lets move forward and leave the past in the past. we talked she assured me everything was done, she loved me and I beleived her, I cant say I love her and not trust her. So I did my best to forget about it.
So we moved in to my grand mother's in Jan 2010 & got married.
Things have become really bad however, she moans about my grand mother often, and complains that we dont have enough living space. I did tell her that she would not be happy, and I spent a lot of money making things more livable for us. She says she is happy, but gets fustrated. Now I understand this and I am supportive of her, and I try to find workable solutions. We have some debts, but I have said to her OK lets move then, but she is like no we cant afford it.
The things she gets fustarted about are upsetting and I can see her point. However she wanted that, and she said she would be ok. We have our own entrance to the home, we rarley if ever see my Grand mother except in passing in the Kitchen, my Grand mother does not interfeer with us in anyway.
I dont want to live there, but now we are Kinda stuck there for a while (Not enough money). I am frought with anixety, I spend my days trying to figure out what to do, how can I make it better.
Also she has lost all intrest in any intamicy with me. and to cap it off she says my Grand Mother is dirty becuase she washed a dish cloth by hand rather than put it in the washing macheine. I looked at the cloth, it was clean, very clean and smelt fresh... but I just went along with my wife to keep the peace. I know it would be best to put the cloth in the washing macheine, but my grand mother is old and sometimes lives in the past.
I have expressed my desire for more, for more than 7 months and nothing. She said once is becuase of my past? I said no, its becuase I dont feel desiered at all. I know this is wrong, but in my heart and soul it hurts me, becuase.... she was willing to sleep with anybody before, but with me.... not willing, I cant convay how much that hurts, I did not say that to her becuase thats wrong, but thats how I am starting to feel and its making me resent her.
I know you are hearing my side of the story only... but I need help guys, I am at my wits end.
I feel used, stupid and weak, and a little taken for granted.
What should I Do? I need some advice.