What complaints does she have about you? What does she think you role is in her unhappiness?
She says that I don't trust her and never will. She is offended by my questioning and being suspicious of everything she does.
*She has lied to me about money since we've been married. She had a Facebook/text msg hidden life last year. During this time, I discovered she was talking to an ex BF and was talking about leaving me/kids/everything behind and meeting up with him. This was never resolved. Recently, she left for 2 days to parts unknown, and not telling us when she was coming back. When she returned, I discovered evidence that she had intentions of infidelity. To summarize, any idiot can read the signs and see that she will run to another man, if she hasn't already. I have never been a jealous person in any relationship, and never was in this one until I found out about this relationship with her ex. She has given me more than enough reason to not trust her as far as being faithful. But also she lies about everything and anything if she thinks it will get her out of "trouble".
She says I am controlling over money.
In the beginning, we had a joint account. She has a spending problem and ran up thousands on credit cards and our Home Eq Line several times. We both agreed the last time that we should separate things and give her a small subset of bills to manage to learn financial responsibility. That has not worked. She now runs up her own cards and overdraws her accounts and then runs crying to me when it gets way out of her control and the debt collectors are calling. Then I am the monster. I have spent all savings and other options bailing her out of everything in the past and there is nothing to save her this time.
She says I don't act like I love her.* In this area, she is right, and I should be able to show her more easily. My problem is that I resent her for all I am having to do to keep the household afloat, while she sleeps, neglects, and puts us in more and more debt. Its hard to be adoring to someone who is always in bed, depressed, and not pleasant to be around. She hasnt done laundry, grocery shopping, anything in well over a month now. I have a full time job and she is stay at home mom. I should also mention that she does take care of my youngest while Im working, but that usually consists of her sleeping, while my daughter is sitting in front of the tv. The oldest is in school. Mostly, she gives them what they need, but I think it is still far less than ideal.
Resentment is a problem that I need to work on.
My situation with my wife sounds very similar to yours (although not as bad). Not only do I pay 95% of the bills, I also do almost all of the housework, and watch our kids when I am not at work (she usually then goes on the computer, or goes out ) I too, decided to play hardball and stopped doing most of the housework and guess what? She could have cared less. The dishes just piled up, and the entire house became a pig pen. I finally decided it wasn't fair to my kids to let them live in such a stye, so I went back to doing the housework. I'm planning on doing it until the last one leaves, then I don't care if it gets done (this is still a ways off since my youngest is 9). I did manage to keep her from getting me into debt after I spent 3 x-mas bonuses and 3 tax returns paying off her credit card 3 years in a row. The 3rd time I did it I told her this is the last time, I took my name off of her card and said I was no longer going to pay on it. Whatever she put on it, she could pay herself (she makes about half of what I do, but has no real bills, so this should be very easy to do). I took away access to our checking account (told her if she isn't contributing to the household financially, or domestically she didn't have a right to it). She didn't like it, but ultimately, she now just spends her own money on things she wants to purchase. We have many other issues other than this, (too many to go over now) but I just wanted you to know that you aren't the only one going through this kind of thing.
I'm barely in a position to comment on this, but IMO, your relationship is done. At this point, you're beating yourself over the head with issues of the past and if you opened your eyes, for real, you'd see that she is what/who she is and that she's never gonna change. From my experience, we already know the answer before we even ask - I think you already know too. It's just really hard to admit that reality is what is staring you in the face and not what is in that imaginary place in your head.
If I were you, I'd make all the necessary moves to cut my losses, secure control of the kids and finances, and then cut her out of the scene ASAP. She sounds like a manipulative woman who will/has use/used everything at her disposal to get you to do what she wants. If she's not just plain lazy, then she is the epicenter of a selfcenteredness and must be drop-dead gorgeous and awesome in bed for you to keep doing what you’re doing to make it work. Or, she is severely depressed, OCD, manic, or some other mental condition which could excuse her behavior, but I think you’d know if that was the case by now.
I dunno - maybe you should close your eyes, throw a dart at a newspaper and do whatever the dart lands on - sounds like that would be better than what you're currently doing.
Well, at this point, I am really losing all hope of fixing anything.
I have basically decided that its best for us to work through this, and put in place a plan to keep things going well. Maybe create a set of checks and balances so that spending stays in check, family resposnibilities are lived up to, and we are treating each other as we should.
The problem is that I don't see that she wants to do the work. For 2-3 weeks we have been on the fence of separation. I have told her that I want to fix things, she can't commit. I would think that in her shoes it would be a easy choice. She has a husband that loves her and her kids, earns decent money, and wants to repair the relationship. I have never laid a hand on her or mentally abused her or the kids. I have provided a nice home and I am basically pretty good to her.
This tells me that she either just doesn't really love me anymore, and/or she is thinking about or is involved with someone else. It just feels like if she really loved me and wanted to work it out, it wouldn't take her so long to figure it out. It seems like she is just busy getting her life in order so she can move on. She had more energy in the past couple days than Ive seen in months. But none of it is directed towards anyone but herself.
I want to let her know that Im serious about making a better life for our family whether we are together or not. I would like to set a deadline for her to decide. I know that if I do that, it will be seen in a negative light in her eyes.
I guess Ill just have to wait for her to drop the bomb. I dont want to give up before she officially does, even though it appears that she already has a long time ago.
I guess another option could be that she is just stringing me along and playing mind games so that when she does eventually give me the privilege of being her husband again, she will have me where she wants me. After I have agreed to let her have her way in everything and admitted I am a terrible person in the essence of saving our marriage.
So, can you answer this; what are you afraid of? If you can answer that question, you might be able to figure out why you are a door mat to your wife. I guarantee that there isn’t one woman on this earth who would want a door mat for a husband. From my POV, that’s the reason she isn’t making any commitments w/ you – because you’re a door mat. You obviously see something good about your wife that’s not apparent to me from what you’ve already written about her. If that quality about her is why you believe saving the marriage is the right thing to do, then you better grow some real fast and change your name faster.
If on the other hand, it’s really you that has the problem and your fear – whatever it is – is driving you to crawl on the floor as you begging your wife to stay, then you need to confront that fear because unless you become a different man soon, dealing with that fear will become your life.
Setting ultimatums as you propose is probably not gonna do the trick. But, doing that will force the issue. From your writings, it sounds to me like she’s already out the door and you’re metaphorically grabbing at her coattails trying to keep her from leaving.
So, can you answer this; what are you afraid of? If you can answer that question, you might be able to figure out why you are a door mat to your wife. I guarantee that there isnít one woman on this earth who would want a door mat for a husband. From my POV, thatís the reason she isnít making any commitments w/ you Ė because youíre a door mat. You obviously see something good about your wife thatís not apparent to me from what youíve already written about her. If that quality about her is why you believe saving the marriage is the right thing to do, then you better grow some real fast and change your name faster.
If on the other hand, itís really you that has the problem and your fear Ė whatever it is Ė is driving you to crawl on the floor as you begging your wife to stay, then you need to confront that fear because unless you become a different man soon, dealing with that fear will become your life.
Setting ultimatums as you propose is probably not gonna do the trick. But, doing that will force the issue. From your writings, it sounds to me like sheís already out the door and youíre metaphorically grabbing at her coattails trying to keep her from leaving.
Really the "quality" I see in her is that she is the mother of my children and she is a good person underneath all the baggage. She does have some emotional and psych problems that have been psuedo-diagnosed, which are the cause of much of our troubles.
I have become a doormat for her because Im willing to sacrifice more of myself in honor of my kids than she is.
The only thing I think Im scared of is that in divorce, the man will have slim chance of sole custody of children. I know that her life is a roller coaster while Im still around to help moderate. With me not around, Im scared of what my kids will experience. Even if custody is 50/50, thats still a lot of time for her to be responsible and unless she changes drastically, it could be harmful. Im scared of what will become of my kids after divorce. They are reasonably happy now with some exceptions, and I can see how it could go drastically downhill.
I am starting to think that when someone has mental issues as deep as this, it may not be fixable, and definitely not fixable if they are not 110% committed to it.
These are the exact words you should say to her. If she does not respond to your satisfaction, then its time to give priority to yourself and your children and move on. You have done enough to help her, she will need to get help elsewhere.
You seem to be very busy with your two jobs. Do you think your are spending enough time with your wife? Do you talk/communicate sufficiently?
Kudos for keeping things together despite your busy schedule, and insufficient support from you wife. Sounds like you know what to do and you are trying but not getting enough help from your wife.
Maybe the real issue here is your wife mental health, I dont know. Counseling may be the only solution. Sorry I can't give you better advice.