I have been married for 7 years. I have 2 daughters, ages 3 and 5. My wife has some serious emoitional/psychological problems. I was aware she wasn't perfect when we got married but had no idea the extent of her troubles.
She has issues with overspending, depression, anxiety, lying, etc. She has never really committed to the family in a way which I would have expected.
She often spends entire days/weeks in bed while she is supposed to be taking care of the kids and the house. I work full time, have a side business, and she is a stay at home mom.
I always have felt like she would really rather be single with fewer responsibilities, as she appears to have no interest in doing what she should for our family. In addition to my job(s), I also do the majority of the household chores. As soon as I get off work, watching the kids is also immediately my job.
She has put us into debt many times during our marriage and I have tried to keep us out. Right now we are big in debt and she is still trying to think of ways to spend money.
She has just up and left us a few times because she just couldnt take it here. My kids seem to realize whats going on and my oldest is scared all the time that "mommy is going to leave".
I have found evidence that she has at least considered infidelity and has made some moves in that direction. (ie talking to ex's and planning meetings with them). She just recently walked out on us for 2 days and told no one where she was going.
Everything she says is lies and I do not trust one word she says anymore, where I used to completely trust her in all areas. I have committed to going to therapy with her and tried lots of other things, but they always seem to get dropped by her very soon. The therapist recommended that she continue sessions, but she cant stick with it. I do not know what else I can do to save my marriage when she will not commit to change in anything other than fleeting words.
If I had no kids, this would be a no-brainer, but the fact that I do, makes this a very complicated decision. Is it worse to stay together on the kids or try to get out and limit their exposure to her? My children love her dearly and I have no intention of cutting ties or preventing visitation should we separate. I want to fix things, but I am losing faith this can ever work. Please HELP!
I can understand how you feel right now since I am experiencing right now. I am not really good at giving the advice but I think you should do what you think the best.
It takes two people to make the marriage works. If your wife does not put an effort in fixing it then I don't think you should. I know it sounds hard, but I don;t think it will work if you are the only one who is working on it.
If you do decide to get divorce, I think you should not prevent her to see your children. No matter how bad it is, she is still the mother.
I can understand how you feel right now since I am experiencing right now. I am not really good at giving the advice but I think you should do what you think the best.
It takes two people to make the marriage works. If your wife does not put an effort in fixing it then I don't think you should. I know it sounds hard, but I don;t think it will work if you are the only one who is working on it.
If you do decide to get divorce, I think you should not prevent her to see your children. No matter how bad it is, she is still the mother.
I wish you good luck.
What I would love more than anything is for my wife to be healthy and happy and we stay married forever. I keep hoping one day she will wake up and decide life is worth living and we (her family) are worth the work.
I do still love her very much, but have a problem with showing it or "adoring" her due to the resentment of her behaviors.
And as I stated above, I would not dream of hurting her or my children by trying to prevent them from seeing each other.
Hi All,
Does anyone have an opinion on this? I am just looking for some input from someone that has been through something similar. Is it possible to work things out, or is it a lost cause?
Please help!
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. As much as my wife neglects me romantically, she's at least a fully dedicated mom. Are your wife's parents near you? Can you reach out to them out of concern for her well-being? It sounds like she's severely depressed.
I think you should find a counselor today, don't wait, to talk to about this. I really don't know what to say to help you, but I think I counselor could help. I'm sure this has been reallly tough on you and the kids. Keep your head up and take care of your kids. Can you reason with her at all? Tell her the impact her actions are having on your kids. It sounds like she wants to be single and free again.
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. As much as my wife neglects me romantically, she's at least a fully dedicated mom. Are your wife's parents near you? Can you reach out to them out of concern for her well-being? It sounds like she's severely depressed.
I think you should find a counselor today, don't wait, to talk to about this. I really don't know what to say to help you, but I think I counselor could help. I'm sure this has been reallly tough on you and the kids. Keep your head up and take care of your kids. Can you reason with her at all? Tell her the impact her actions are having on your kids. It sounds like she wants to be single and free again.
She is very difficult to reason with most of the time. She has a poor relationship with her father who is sort of close by. Her mother is quite a ways away, but she does get along with her. Although, her mother has a LOT of (very similar) problems of her own. Undoubtedly where my wife learned the bad habits she has.
Your situation sounds terrible. Also sounds like there may be some mental health issues involved. Either that or extreme selfishness. Do you have indications which it is?
That aside, have you considered being strong & direct with her?
Here's what I'm thinking...
Make a list of 'dealbreakers' you're being asked to live with - think this through thoroughly. Then choose the one most difficult for you and discuss it with her in a calm, cool rational tone (don't let bitterness or resentment enter or she will stop listening). Describe your pain and that of your childrens' and ask her to help you find a solution to the problem - something she (and you) can work on. Let this conversation continue for a few days as creative solutions show themselves. And offer encouragement for any growth you observe.
If she refuses to even discuss this with you, you have your answer. And, I think the kids would be better off in a home that offers security, warmth and love - even if that home is run by only one parent.
Be clear that the behavior is simply unacceptable and that you & your kids should not be expected to live that way - and won't.
Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne
Your situation sounds terrible. Also sounds like there may be some mental health issues involved. Either that or extreme selfishness. Do you have indications which it is?
That aside, have you considered being strong & direct with her?
Here's what I'm thinking...
Make a list of 'dealbreakers' you're being asked to live with - think this through thoroughly. Then choose the one most difficult for you and discuss it with her in a calm, cool rational tone (don't let bitterness or resentment enter or she will stop listening). Describe your pain and that of your childrens' and ask her to help you find a solution to the problem - something she (and you) can work on. Let this conversation continue for a few days as creative solutions show themselves. And offer encouragement for any growth you observe.
If she refuses to even discuss this with you, you have your answer. And, I think the kids would be better off in a home that offers security, warmth and love - even if that home is run by only one parent.
Be clear that the behavior is simply unacceptable and that you & your kids should not be expected to live that way - and won't.
In response to your question above. I blieve that there is a great degree of selfishness and a moderate level of psychological problems as well.
Unfortunately, I also believe that she is already looking at me like Im her ex and the end is drawing very near.
We have a therapy session soon. I believe this is where Ill will find my answer.
My advice is going to be different. I believe your wife is having "soul" issues. There are no drugs to solve them. I know this view is contradictory in our society. But, I have dealt with the problem on a personal level. And after finding a great therapist several years ago, I have gained much knowledge and understanding in the area.
Are you and your wife currently involved with a church? That seems to work for some people. Yet, others follow a different path. There is a balancing act involved between religion and spirituality. From my experience, once I found that balance, life just fell into place.
My life has been in turmoil for the past five years. Some of the events have been devastating. But, honestly, I've never been so much at peace as I am now. That's because I have so many tools at my disposal. In essence I have learned to "be in this world but not of this world". Before I learned to cope as I do now, I would react to simple things much as your wife does. There were days I couldn't get out of bed. Simple things in life could be overwhelming. Now I look forward to each day....to see what new puzzle pieces the Universe will give me for the life puzzle.
A great therapist can go a long way. I found reading books from the "New Age" section to be most useful initially. There are also some helpful books in the traditional religion section which I found helpful also. Some of my favorites are The Noticer by Andy Andrews, Hearts Desire by Sonia Choqutte, The Magnificent Obsession by Anne Lotz, and Sacred Contracts by Caroline Myss.
Hope you find a way to open your wife's eyes to the blessings she is missing out on.
Well, I am still going through this disaster...My wife and I went to see our therapist today. My wifes entire intention seemed to be to list out all of the problems she sees I am the focus of. My intention was to basically find out why we were there and what she hoped to gain from it (ie. where do you want to go from here?) I told her and the therapist that nothing had happened that I thought I couldnt get over if we BOTH made a REAL commitment to change things, and that I was willing to work on this to fix it if she was. We have been here before in much worse circumstances and I stated the same then. The problem is getting a commitment from her. Everything is all one-sided in her head. She fails to see that me not trusting her came from her lying to me and sneaking around. Therefore, thats not all my fault. (thats just one example). Anyhow, she couldnt say whether or not she wants to split or repair. So, Im still in a holding pattern with where we stand.
I have decided that fixing our problems would be the best for our kids, I do love my wife, and do not want to be the one to "file the papers" and destroy our family.
I have my doubts that she will be able to make a decision and stick to it.
what a nightmare! This is tearing me apart and I really wish we could either start fixing or start leaving.
I think the only this will improve is if your wife sees that you have a back bone. I think she is taking advantage of you.
If she is a stay at home mom, let her do the majority of those duties. If she is overspending, take away her access to money (credit cards, joint accounts, etc.).
Tell your wife that you are ready to leave the marriage if things are going to stay the way they are. Give her a time table to improve and make it clear to her that you are serious about breaking up the marriage if that is what has to happen.
She may have to actually see what life would be like without you in order to put in a dedicated effort.
I think the only this will improve is if your wife sees that you have a back bone. I think she is taking advantage of you.
If she is a stay at home mom, let her do the majority of those duties. If she is overspending, take away her access to money (credit cards, joint accounts, etc.).
Tell your wife that you are ready to leave the marriage if things are going to stay the way they are. Give her a time table to improve and make it clear to her that you are serious about breaking up the marriage if that is what has to happen.
She may have to actually see what life would be like without you in order to put in a dedicated effort.
I hear ya, and Ive tried that too. When I let the household chores slide, it makes no diff to her, she'll let the place turn into a dumpster, and then its just more for me to do when I realize she never will. On the rare occasions that I have been so sick Im in bed, all the chores just wait until Im able to do them again.
We already have separate accounts, but her debt she runs on her CC is my debt as we are married and she has no job.
I have tried hard-ball approach and gotten nowhere. I dont have the strength to fight about all this stuff anymore. She is definitely taking advantage of me.
I realize that I sound like a shmuck. I have resigned to be one in the best interest of my kids. But we are at a point where something has to change for the kids best interest.
It sounds like you have tried everything and now need to act. You aren't doing the kids any good staying in a relationship like this.
I would put together a Separation Agreement. Present it to her and come to an agreement on custody, etc. Then move out.
Either she comes around and decides the marriage is worth working at or she is content with you leaving. You need to know the answer to this and I think the only way you will get this answer is to act.
My wife and I are in a state of limbo. She knows what direction I want to take, but can't "decide" what she wants to do. Thats a problem in my eyes at this point. If she is "weighing options" still, thats not positive to me.
I think at this point it has to be " I love my husband and my family more than anything else, and I'll do whatever it takes to work through this". ANything short of that is not good enough and a complete waste of time.
Should I be expecting this sort of response, or does anyone believe anything short of that will result in positive results should we try to mend things? Please keep in mind that we have been here before, Ive stuck by her, and she has half-heartedly worked on things and quickly turns to not working at all.
When we discuss any aspect of our relationship, she just wants to blame me for everything and takes no responsibilty for anything. I'm the cause of all of her unhappiness in her eyes. I am starting to think that when someone has mental issues as deep as this, it may not be fixable, and definitely not fixable if they are not 110% committed to it.
You say that your wife has many complaints about you and blames you for her unhappiness, but I don't think you mentioned what those complaints are. As much as it seems clear that she's acting irresponsibly, how about giving us a little of her side of this. To handle a situation, I think it's good to know as much as you can about what they're thinking, etc, even if it is irrational.
What complaints does she have about you? What does she think you role is in her unhappiness?
Opinions/Advice needed 
