kitty2006

hello, i am new to this site and i really need some feed back, i am pretty sure my mind is made up, so here goes
I just celebrated 4 yrs of marriage yesterday, my husband and i got married 6mths after we met (internet), when i met him everything was nice for the first (long distance) until i moved in with him. we used to visit each other back and forth, i had a great job, own apt, paying my bills, and everything was great until i moved with him, i could never find a job in my field (legal) and i had to settle for end jobs, i was struggling really bad and he was not in no situation to help me, all my bills everything was back up on me. (school loan to car payment) anyway to make a long story short, i am now working my butt off to get my credit and life together and he is still not trying to get himself together, whenever he needs money he gets it from a family member but he have to pay it back when he get pay every week its is the same cycle no money we never have money, he is pd weekly, me every 2 wks, we do everything seperate, rent, daycare, bills and I hate it, we try having an account together, it got screwed up. we talk about it but nothing changes, we have been struggling from the begining on the relationship and i do not want to do it no more, i am a go getter and he is more of a laid back person, we have 1 kid together and 1 kid each from different relationships, i am so tired of all this, we argue all the time, we dont see things the same, i live and plan for the future, he lives for the moment, i believe i will be better off on my own with my kids, we tried counseling one time and he was not fair at the meetings, couple months later he admitted that he manipulate the counseling and he was wrong. i sat with him and try to figure out how we can make the marriage work but i already gave up, i want out, i do not want to go out of state cause i know he loves his son and i dont want to separate him or take away his right to see his kid, but i am not happy, i am miserable. i do not want to do any more counseling. our biggest problem is financial issues, he file bankruptcy and had a clean start, 3 mths later he is in more dept and really bad credit, I keep telling him both of us cannot have bad credit, we will never get anything if we continue to be like this, but he still messes up all the time, i on the other hand is determine to get my stuff together which i am doing. i want a house, and i want to be comfortable, he is so negative, i really cannot do this anymore. he was a AA but now he is 11 yrs clean, can that have anything to do about his not been able to i dont know focus! I love my husband but i am not in love with him anymore, i am not even sure i loved him like before, before we used to argue so much, we say some really hurtful things to each other, most of the time in front of the kids, my daughter is 17 and his son is 12 and the baby is 2. any advice please . should i leave and start my life over because i cannot do anther year of this. can give me advise to reconsider

Blanca

It sounds like you've gotten yourself in a rut. You lost all your independence, created a mess with your finances, picked up more financial ruin with your spouse, and dont know how to get yourself out of this mess.

If you do decide you want to try and work it out, and it sounds like you do, you can still be a 'go-getter' even if he isnt. You can reclaim what you lost. Just keep your finances separate. You both are in the same boat as far as finances. Its kind of hypocritical to tell him he has to fix his credit because yours is also bad. You should try and focus on fixing your own credit, which you can do.

Of course i can see what kind of pressure this would put on you. he might become more like another child to you then a spouse. so you have to weigh the pro's and con's of the marriage and also ask yourself if you have done everything and will have no regrets when you leave.