Husband is returning soon...still don't know how I feel

guiltygirl · 08-22-2008, 12:39 AM

I've started reading a book suggested by MT. The author is good and the text is compelling, but I'm not sure if I want to keep reading it. There is still this part of me that wants to stay shut down, especially with my husband. He's been gone a week, and I'm not even sure if I have missed him. I'm not excited that he's coming home tomorrow. I've talked to him on the phone a couple of times and he's being really sweet...yet no anticipation.

I was supposed to spend this week thinking about us, but I think I have successfully avoided that...something I'm quite skilled at. But, in order to work on "us", I need to want to focus on us. I can't seem to make myself do that. I am trying, but I would rather live in this fantasy world, where some random cute guy lusts after me and I flirt back....and then what? I'm not sure. It's obviously excitement I'm after, but I'm not doing much to fuel the fire. I am ambivalent and apathetic.

Strangely, though, I have felt pretty lonely this week. I guess I am seeking instability, but this lack of stability is increasing my anxiety and depression. (MT- I think some of this may have come from the book you suggested????) I think I'm just not capable of truly being happy. (Maybe it's because I overanalyze? haha)

Seriously, though, I have a big week coming up with school starting in a few days, and I am worried that we are going to have difficulty facing our issues. (or maybe just me). I know I shouldn't avoid, but I reeeeaaaaalllllyy want to.

I feel kind of silly because I have been reading other people's posts, and many people are in much more crucial situations than I am in. Nonetheless, I am thankful to have this forum as a means of expression and of receiving input.

draconis · 08-22-2008, 01:03 AM

Well you have ben on the forums looking for answers, so you have put something into the thought of your relationship. You might not have all th answers but maybe they are coming or you need to ask the right questions.

The fact that you don't miss him isn't as much of an issue if you are an independent person. It sounds like you are. But the fantasies do pose a question. Maybe you ned to let him know that you want HIM to swep you off your feet.

draconis

guiltygirl · 08-22-2008, 01:51 AM

Thanks for the reply. (Keep writing, you don't have to be a Dr.) I do feel as though I have "friends" on this forum, even if not in the traditional sense.

Yes, I'm afraid I may be on the forums too much...there's that desperation that keeps creeping to the surface. I feel like I need something...just not sure what that something is, so I vent here. Hopefully, I don't get kicked out of the forum for the most frequent and lengthy posts (haha).

This is the first night all week I have had trouble sleeping, and I think it's because he's coming home tonight. I had the same trouble when he was home before. I guess it forces me to think about all of the issues and I just can't seem to come to grips with a solution. I know, I need to stop worrying/being anxious and just take action. I'll keep trying.

I want to be independent, but I'm not sure if I am or not. I will bring up the "fantasy" issue with him if and when there's time. Trouble is, he lusts after me all the time, but this turns me off. It makes me think I must be crazy...I want someone to lust after me...just not my husband. Ludicrous! (even I had to look up how to spell that one) Anyhow, I'm going to have to face this I know. Thanks!

draconis · 08-22-2008, 03:27 AM

As far as the lusting after you, there is a fine line that is exciting and one that is simply to much that you feel like an object. Sometimes it is hard to know when you are pushing it because lets face it every woman is different. The real balance comes in with the mundane. Does he talk to you and listen to you. Does he give you hugs and kisses? Is he a cuddly type of person?

One reason I get along with my wife so well is because we have so many ways we connect. Cuddling (as long as the kids don't try to jump in.) we always kiss and hug, and we have great communications back and forth.

How is your husband at the mundane things. What is so alluring about the fantasy you might be having that is different from your hubby. Do you two still date?

draconis

MarkTwain · 08-22-2008, 09:35 AM

As you have now read the first chapter... I will say this much. Finish the book, and you will cry even more, I promise. My heart was pounding while I read that damn book, it's about time somebody else did some of the heavy lifting...

You will just have to trust me. Read the book, read the book.

aabina5 · 08-22-2008, 11:09 AM

What book is it?

guiltygirl · 08-22-2008, 06:19 PM

MT- Okay, I will read the book, but it will take me some time with school and everything going on right now. At least you aren't blowing me off anymore. Please explain what you mean by "the heavy lifting".

The book is called Mating in Captivity and the author is Esther Perel.

My husband will be home in a few hours and I'm a bit anxious. I have a busy weekend ahead as my classroom is not ready, I have a birthday party of sorts for my sister tomorrow, and I am pampering myself by getting my hair "done" on Sunday. It seems like bad timing to be having marital problems...but, I guess there never really is a good time, huh?

guiltygirl · 08-22-2008, 06:22 PM

Draconis- I forgot to reply to you...I was so tired early this morning when I read your post. Well, I think my husband tries, but the primary force driving his behavior is his desire to have sex, probably like most men. It does make me feel kind of like an object as you say. I guess we will have to work on finding ways of making us both happy. Pray for us! (If you believe in that sort of thing anyway)

draconis · 08-22-2008, 10:16 PM

I will pray for you.

I think your husband needs to understand that a relationship means much more then just sex and that the connections for men and women are different. I hope everything goes well as I am sure many things might be up for discussion.

draconis