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post #1 of 2 (permalink) Old 01-16-2011, 04:01 AM Thread Starter
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Unhappy confused and scared

a little about us, ive known my wife since she was 13, but did not start dating her until 2 years ago. we were recently married in october. she is currently awaiting to go into boot camp for the navy.

one of our biggest fight issues has always been about sex. i have never been very suave when it has come to talking with women or flirting, and my wife has had more relationship experience than i have, more importantly talking about sex. she feels that i have not picked up on her signals and when i dont or i am not in the mood she feels rejected. not being someone who is good at talking with women or flirting i have basically subdued my desires to have sex on a frequent basis. i have tried to be more aware of her signals and yet i still fall short. she is the one who usually initiates our intimate times.

recently she talked to me about how she is tired of trying and she feels that she wants to take a separation until she is done with her tech school, which is two years not including the time until she leaves for boot camp. she does not want to get divorced but she feels that for almost a year that she is alone, and because of this she wants to be alone for this extended period of time.

i have talked with her and told her that i feel 2+ years is a very long time to take a separation and she has told me that she would like to be separated until after her boot camp, roughly 6 months.

im aware that i have my flaws and faults, that i have not done all that i can to strengthen our relationship and i am willing to do whatever is necessary to repair our marriage. i know i need to be more spontaneous with her and to show her how much i really love her and i have told her this, and she still insists on taking a separation. i dont want her to leave but im afraid that if i try to make her stay she will and still be unhappy, or that if she does leave that she will not want to come back to me...

needless to say i am crushed, heartbroken, and other words that cannot begin to express how i am feeling right now. any advice on what my chances are of making this work or helpful tips would be much appreciated. she is the best part of my life and i dont want to lose her...

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post #2 of 2 (permalink) Old 01-16-2011, 05:12 AM
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Re: confused and scared

Addressing the military aspects.

I have seen people go mostly two routes in boot camp…They get really lonely and want love and support from the outside (They reach out to people they trust). More often (especially the younger men and women) get mixed up in the groups that are more into partying. They almost all end up in unintended situations due to peer pressure and alcohol. These situations involve sex a lot due to the mixed groups. When she is in boot camp that is limited to a degree. The first week or so after is one big explosion as they decompress from the stress of boot camp.

Since you stated the Tech school was 2 years long that leaves only a couple of ratings she is going into. I won’t mention their names but I have taught one for many years in the Navy and they are extremely stressful to most people.

I highly recommend you get counseling before the military if you can afford it. About 60-70% of the students in my course that started married were either separated or divorced by the end of it due to the stress. Contrary to what everyone will tell you while she is in training it will not get easier when she gets to the real job. You will need to try and understand this and help find ways to alleviate this for both of you.

An upside to the military is they have a good support community and will pay for marriage counseling. I recommend you move to where ever she gets stationed if you can since the long distance will not help the situation. The military will pay for you to move also as long as the school is for at least 6 months. You living off base will get her into a house (apartment) vice the barracks party atmosphere. It also helps to reduce her stress a lot to be able to leave it all behind several nights a week.
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