I have lost feelings for my wife. Does she love me?
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Considering Divorce or Separation » I have lost feelings for my wife. Does she love me?

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Old 01-16-2011, 05:18 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I have lost feelings for my wife. Does she love me?

Married for 8 years I was living a casual (not happy) life with my wife and two kids (son 7 and daughter 4 and a half). I married after leaving my home, stayed in her family's place for 3 months in a city far off from mine. they supported me well. Our family was better off as compared to theirs and I was a 'good catch' for her. There were no intellectual reasons to marry her, nor were there 'those feelings' that you call pure love. However, I was so deeply involved emotionally that it 'seemed' to be love. (if you know what i mean). We had an affair for a over a year before we got married. Shortly after we returned to my city where my wife and I lived in the same house as my mom. This continued for 7 and a half years. I progressed gradually in my professional life and am now earning reasonably well. She has never had financial problems with me. We decided mutually that she will take care of the kids and I will earn. We had kids in the first year of our marriage. lived a routine life for about 6 and a half year: home, office, football, sleep, office, home, football, sleep. Sex gradually happened seldom and far apart.

In the second year of our marriage, I cheated on her with my cousin, emotionally. This continued, with other girls as well, in office and otherwise. I physically as well as emotionally cheated on her with several girls. This was in her knowledge. She seemed to be ok with it unless I was physically cheating on her. So that part I always kept hidden. In order to win her trust, I would tell her I have 'friends' that i just 'talk' to.

About 18 months back, I met this girl in my office that i became really good friends with. She noticed this problem in my married life and told me how my wife and were not living like a couple. From that point onwards, this friend from office and I were discussing her life and mine in great great detail. she is a very intelligent lady and we are also emotionally getting along very well. Infact, we fell in love. She helped me with self realization. When I told her I want to marry her and can divorce my wife, she was not willing to do this. But this was not all untrue. Although it seemed to me and her that I wanted to divorce my wife because i liked this new friend of mine, the truth was that in the past 2 years, i realized, that i have move on in life both intellectually as well as emotionally. I held the idea of marriage with this girl and went back to talk to my wife. In this new errand, I quit on this girl several times and she remained patient and supported me as a friend.

I talked to my wife several times and the intellectually sleeping man that I was, I told her about how I had had a MAJOR self realization and felt i had moved on in life. That i had been in self denial. She immediately thought it was about this girl from my office. I told her several times that although she had helped me realize things in my life, she is not the reason i don't want to be with you. But she won't believe me. From that point on, there were fights and what not, at home. I tried talking to her several times but she was all about external factors, talking to her friends, my sister, neighbours - everyone but me.

And then it started getting frustrating and suffocating. I started thinking about the divorce and kept trying with my wife. About a month back, our fights, a couple of times, changed into a physical fight where she held my collar and screamed at me. She would keep checking my documents and bags to try and find a reason to connect me to that girl. She misunderstood a chat that she happened to read of that girl and me and thought it was about having sex.

A couple of weeks back, I talked to he to find out why she wanted to be with me and she had no reply except for that conventional south asian girl's love which is not appealing to me at all. That was my last attempt.

Now I have a divorce document with me that i am about to hand over to her. I would like some sincere feedback and comments.
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Old 01-16-2011, 06:29 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I have lost feelings for my wife. Does she love me?

Dude, you are not "considering" anything. You have the divorce papers in your hands, you have made a decision. The next step should be counseling, not the divorce court.

Your female friend is wise for not wanting to run away with you. What self-respecting woman wants a man who can be so easily lured away from his wife? If you do go through with this divorce, this same scenario is going to happen to you again and again and you'll be mystified as to why you can never find true love. Love is a commitment and not a feeling. Man up, honor your commitment and work on your marriage. There is so much there to be mined and do the hard work, end the "friendships" and start to woo your wife all over again.
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Old 01-29-2011, 10:11 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I have lost feelings for my wife. Does she love me?

Marriage is the most important thing in life. It affects every aspect of your life. If your marriage is good everything else is good; if its bad, everything else is. You need to have a heart to heart talk with your wife, and committ to making your marriage your #1 priority. Treat her the way you treated her when you first fell in love with her, and the rest will be easy. Good luck.
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