So I should start with some general info.... My husband and I have been married for 3 years after dating for a yr and 1/2. We have a 29 month old together.
About a yr ago I started to lose that "loving" feeling. Well if I was really honest with you, I never truly had that passion for him. We started dating as rebound partners and then he grew on me. He has been there for me through all my hardships, has supported me and has been my best friend. I got pregnant after a yr and we decided to get married. Now I look back and really wish I hadn't.
The first yr of our marriage was really rough. He talked down to me and cut me off of all my friends. I think he thought I should change who I was because of my new title as wife. I let him get away from this behavior and began to resent him. Finally after our daughter was a few months old I told him he was pushing me away through his verbal abuse but it didn't change much. He would cry, say he was sorry and a month later he would be back to demeaning me.
About a yr ago (2 yrs into marriage and with a one yr old) I finally told myself it was enough. I did not want my daughter to grow up watching the way he treated me and think it was ok for a man to act that way towards a woman. I told my hubby it was either change or I was going to leave. I wanted it to work for my daughters sake but also could not go on living that way. Well he finally woke up and saw I was serious and the progress began.
While my hubby has changed dramatically, I realized my feelings for him have not. I thought if he would change, I would love him again but sadly I do not. I don't want to believe the damage is done but I think he has put me through so much and I can't get it back.
So your probably asking yourself why I would want to be with him and expect to love him passionately when it was never there to begin with. Well I dont want to separate for the sake of my daughter who adores him. I want and wish and pray that I can love him but its not there. He is now a good guy and treats me so well but I cant feel it for him. I tried faking it, not thinking about it and praying but still nothing.
So a few weeks ago I told him the truth. I told him I don't love him like that and only as a best friend. Of course he was devastated. He wants us to work and for my daughters sake I agreed to marriage counseling. We still live together and everyday I see the pain in his eyes. He is sad, angry and confused which I expected. One minute he is trying to win me over and the next he is calling me a coldhearted B and telling me to leave. I dont know how much I can take of this. I thought honesty was the best policy but now seriously doubt it.
I have always thought love is what relationships are about. I believe that everyone should be truly and deeply loved. I would feel bad sitting next to him while he told me he loved me and not feel it for him. Was I wrong? Should I have just sucked it up? Am I being selfish? I thought I was being selfish by not telling him and now think I am selfish for telling him. Can someone ever truly bounce back from this (every arguement since I told him he has thrown this in my face somehow!)? Is anyone ever always in love with thier partner and this is just some 1 and 1/2 yr rut?
So we are now heading to counseling but to be honest, I dont think it will work. I can't see myself with him and it devastates me cause I wanted this to work for the sake of my family. Then on the other hand, dont I deserve to be happy and truly love someone? I am so confused!
I've been married for over 20 years and feel the same as you. For the last couple of years the love has died. Wife did not want counseling, she loves me but my love died for her. I am at the point where I just want out. It's been hard not making the decision yet. Staying in a relation you are not happy is a killer. Think about it well, if you have to go you should
A friend and I were talking the other day and she asked me 2questions and wanted me to respond yes or no. She asked me if I loved him... I said no. She asked me if I think we will be together in 5 yrs .... I said no. She told me thats my answer and I should leave. Better to leave now then to draw out the inevitable and make it that much harder in the future. I just dont know why i cant and insist on holding on onto something that isnt there. I secretly wished my hubby would have made me leave cause I cant do it on my own.
@ Amig, have you left yet? And if not, what is holding you back? DId you want to go to counseling? throughout your marriage did you ever feel this way before?
Thats the thing, my hubby has improved so much. I just seem to not be able to accept it. I think I have shut myself emotionally from him. My hubby is still upset over the situation. Now every arguement we get into he throws the fact that I dont even love him in my face. Then the next minute he is trying to swoon on me.
I am still confused on what to do. Everyone around me tells me I need to try and work this out for our daughter and while I agree I shouldnt jump into anything quite yet, I still cant help but be selfish and think about my happiness. SIgh.
Can I ask a question? how has he changed? I know he is hurt, but calling you a cold hearted B etc, is showing his true colors. Are you sure that he has done the "work" or has he just not been demeaning?
Only you can decide where you want to be, and what makes you happy. Don't sell yourself short.
So I was wondering just what is this love you are talking about? I always thought love was a choice, a commitment, not a feeling. The giddy feeling that one has when they first meet someone never lasts.
Emotions are fickle but if you are truley unhappy I guess something got to change but rest assured being a single parent is a VERY tough job.
I feel the same way as you. I'm in a very similar situation. Only glaring difference is that I don't have kids yet.
But trust me...even if you didn't have a kid, you'd still make up an excuse on why you should stay with him. That's what i've been doing. The house, the money, the security, his dependence on me, family, blah blah blah.
I've been trying everything to convince myself to stay, but I can't stop thinking about it. The feeling haunts me and never leaves me alone. I feel like a crazy person for wanting to leave. But still....I want to leave. I guess it's so hard to make a final decision because I feel like I should want to stay.
I feel like maybe we just aren't right for each other.
@jmfabulous.... When I meant by saying he has changed I meant it as he is not demeaning to me in everyday conversation like he use too (now its only when we argue) and he use to keep me from my friends and now even though he still gets upset I do see them once in awhile. WOw now that i am typing this it sounds crazy! I guess he hasn't change, he is just better at hiding it. I still feel like I have to walk on eggshells every morning. I hate it.
@brewster.... I know that infatuation type of love does not last long at all but when I mean by wanting to be in love is simply just being happy in my relationship. I want to wake up with a smile, not dread. I dont want to feel like I am forcing myself to say I love you and I want to care about him. I want to be intimate with someone, not feel disgusted by kissing them. I do care about him but only for my daughter who adores him. If I were to ever lose him, I would mourn her loss, not mine.
@confused wife.... I know you what you mean. I would be making excuse even if I didnt have her. I feel comfortable in my lifestyle. I dont want it to change. I would hate being a single mom. Despite of what he has put me through I know he loves me more than anything and scares me I will never find it again. I should want to be here but I DONT. I feel like I am trapped. I feel like I have a life sentence and I hate it. I want to leave so why cant I? The last thing I want to do is find and fall for someone else when I am with him and leave then. I need to leave for me and only me. But I also feel like that would be the only thing that gets me to leave and its a scary feeling.
Trust me when I say this...I've been trying to get myself to leave for 2 years. I have only recently been separated.
Try counseling on your own. Being in this type of relationship is tough...you are manipulated (well, i was) every day. My therapist calls it the "crab in the bucket" theory...he is the king crab, and doesn't want the crab to leave the bucket and keeps pulling you down everytime you get brave. Either threw power/might; or tricking you into thinking that he's changed (I say this, b/c this is where I am now, too).
You're not working on falling in love with your husband. You just wanted him to improve himself to make you happy but you just wait and see if chemistry would just happen.
You have to search or create butterflies in your stomach for your husband.
I didn't see any effort you make to work out your marriage problems.
In this view, yes, you're pretty selfish. Posted via Mobile Device
Trubie, There are two ways of thinking here. People subscribe to one of these thoughts:
1) Make yourself happy first.
2) Never stop trying.
I tend to believe more towards #1. It feels so wrong though, because we feel like we're being selfish. For givers like us, thinking about ourselves naturally seems selfish and thoughtless. However, we all have one life to live. One life. So why should we force ourselves to do something we don't want to do? I say "we" as in you and me. I feel like i'm in a similar situation as you, so we could learn from eachother here. Maybe jmfabulous too.
So the question is: Do we do what makes us happy? (In my case, I don't think I know what will make me happy, but I do know that the situation I'm currently in is NOT making me happy). So therefore, the question becomes Do we stop doing what obviously makes us miserable? OR Do we stick around...wait it out...keep trying? By leaving, we save precious time and are able to move on. By staying, we are still hopeful for a future with this person.
I'm interested in what jmfabulous has to say about her two years.
It has helped me in the past to isolate the problem. If no one else was involved. Not your daughter, not your husband, not anyone. What would you want to do? I ask myself this question, and the answer is easy. I would leave. Unfortunately, it's just not that simple. There are so many emotions involved.
I find myself wishing something would happen, anything. Something that would give me a good reason to leave. I find myself hoping that he'll cheat on me (which he'll never do), or that I would experience something traumatic which would give me an excuse.
How stupid is that?
Are these just attempts to make me feel better about being seemingly selfish? I don't know.
I find myself wishing something would happen, anything. Something that would give me a good reason to leave. I find myself hoping that he'll cheat on me (which he'll never do), or that I would experience something traumatic which would give me an excuse.
How stupid is that?
Are these just attempts to make me feel better about being seemingly selfish? I don't know.
I can totally relate to you guys. I have wanted to leave for a couple of years now, and I am finally to the point where I am going to start the divorce process soon. I kept wishing that he would do something to justify me leaving. I finally realized that even if he doesn't do something horrible, I still want to leave. He is trying to be super nice right now and say that he wants to work things out, and it doesn't change the fact that I don't love him. I have explained to him that the way he has treated me over the years has resulted in me not being in love with him anymore. Even though he apologized for his treatment of me and truly feels bad, that doesn't change the way I feel. I don't want to kiss him, hold his hand, go to counseling or have children with him. I have felt this way for over two years, and that's just the way I feel. If I can't have children with this man, then it's time to move on.
I find myself wishing something would happen, anything. Something that would give me a good reason to leave. I find myself hoping that he'll cheat on me (which he'll never do), or that I would experience something traumatic which would give me an excuse.
How stupid is that?
Are these just attempts to make me feel better about being seemingly selfish? I don't know.
I've said these same things.
then I found out he cheated on me. Still married.
Truth is, I don't know why I'm still here and married to my husband.
12Likes
No longer in love with Hubby 
