Trial Separation in the Same House
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Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 01-28-2011, 03:38 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Trial Separation in the Same House

My wife and I are planning to begin a trial separation, but don't have the resources to maintain two living spaces. I could go live with a friend, but then I'm moving out, and she stays in the house. I think this puts me at a big disadvantage in case this ends in divorce. So, I told her I would agree to trade weeks in the house, but she won't move out at all. So, the final agreement we have is to separate into different areas of the house, and document specific times and responsibilties with our 3 kids. Luckily, we are on very friendly terms and get along very well as friends, roommates, and we co-parent well. We're just no longer lovers. We plan to see other people during the separation, and we have strict rules that nobody else comes to the family home. Our goal is to minimize disruption of the children until we decide whether we're staying together long term or not. I'd love to hear the board's thoughts on this. Has anyone tried this successfully before?

Thanks,
Chester
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Old 01-28-2011, 08:57 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Trial Separation in the Same House

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So, the final agreement we have is to separate into different areas of the house, and document specific times and responsibilties with our 3 kids.
Yikes!
Where do I begin?

That does not sound like a healthy arrangement. I try to place myself in that situation and scenes from "War of the Roses" flash in my head.
I can't understand the term "trial separation" Separation IS the trial! You either then get a divorce, or you try to work on it. In the end, you will have to commit to one or the other!

Face it, Chester, divorce is inconvenient- especially for us guys. Pack your bags! - In our society the women get the house and children.. pretty much without exception. The courts will make sure you provide for the mother who is taking care of the children no matter where they are living. Play your cards right and you will get some weekends.

If things are so bad that you are considering divorce, how can you say you get along well? There are deep-seated issues that you are choosing to ignore, I think. Eliminating sex from the equation and drawing a line down the middle of your house won't change them or make them go away. It will get worse. Being THAT close to someone with whom you are emotionally detatched creates a horrible environment for all- and no one will suffer more from it than your children.

How do you divide time with kids when living under the same roof??
You are planning to see other people?? How will they feel about you living with your X??
I would seriously consider other options.

Last edited by bingofuel; 01-28-2011 at 11:21 PM.
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Old 01-29-2011, 11:39 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Trial Separation in the Same House

@bingofuel,

I hear what you're saying, and we may just be postponing the inevitable here. In the meantime, there's counselling and we can evaluate whether the arrangement is working or not. If not, we'll change it. If it ends in divorce, I'll accept the inconvenience -- meantime, while we figure out where we're going, we're trying to spare the kids. However, if we're fighting all the time (which we're not) that would be a bad thing.

Thanks for the input.

Chester
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Old 01-29-2011, 12:29 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Trial Separation in the Same House

I think it might work. It's at least a last ditch attempt. Worst case scenario, it doesn't work and you will have to try a real separation, before finally deciding whether to stay together or work it out.

It's worth a shot.
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Old 01-30-2011, 10:12 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Trial Separation in the Same House

Chester70, whatever you do, don't leave your house. It may have some bearing in your custody arrangements, if you divorce.
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Old 01-31-2011, 12:58 PM   #6 (permalink)
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@Confused-Wife,

I agree that it has some hope of working. Just working out the separation agreement has us talking more than we have in years. Both our therapists think it's a possibility as well. Also, agree that a real separation would be in order if this doesn't work out.

@RunningOnEmpty,

That was part of my thinking. If I leave the house, my wife is the full-time parent, and I'm the single guy. If it ultimately ends in divorce, custody could get ugly.

Thanks,
Chester
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Old 01-31-2011, 01:49 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Trial Separation in the Same House

seeing other people??? im in a in house seperation now but its hard but seeing other people?? thats adultery in my state?
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Old 01-31-2011, 03:13 PM   #8 (permalink)
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@Confused-Wife,

I agree that it has some hope of working. Just working out the separation agreement has us talking more than we have in years. Both our therapists think it's a possibility as well. Also, agree that a real separation would be in order if this doesn't work out.

@RunningOnEmpty,

That was part of my thinking. If I leave the house, my wife is the full-time parent, and I'm the single guy. If it ultimately ends in divorce, custody could get ugly.

Thanks,
Chester

I guess my only input would be if you have some hopes of things working out in the future with your wife, neither of you should be dating others.
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Old 01-31-2011, 03:31 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Trial Separation in the Same House

I think the arrangement is worth a shot. And kudos to you and your wife for prioritizing the kids!

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Our goal is to minimize disruption of the children until we decide whether we're staying together long term or not.
I think seeing other people complicates things too much. If I'm understanding things correctly, your goal is to see if the marriage can still be salvaged. It is ok to take time off from working on the relationship and live together as friends and roommates, but dating others makes it even harder to get back to working on the relationship.

Also, it could help to have periodic review sessions with each other. Schedule them ahead of time so they are not spontaneously called to order when there is conflict.
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Old 02-01-2011, 12:10 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Also, it could help to have periodic review sessions with each other. Schedule them ahead of time so they are not spontaneously called to order when there is conflict.
I think this is a great idea!

I also agree that seeing other people only complicates matters.
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Old 11-09-2011, 02:47 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Bringing about major changes in one’s life is supposed to spark off a new set of emotions and sentiments. The most basic goal of any separation is to give the couple space and time in their relationship to decide on future action, particularly in saving the marriage. A trial separation means that there is desire and willingness on the part of husband and wife NOT to take the drastic road to divorce.
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Old 11-09-2011, 08:31 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Trial Separation in the Same House

My wife and I are still living together. She told me two weeks ago that she doesnt have romantic feelings for me anymore after 11 years together. It is very hard. I cannot stand seeing her everyday and not being able to kiss her or be with her romantically. I do not want to leave, especially since we only have one car right now since she just totaled mine. I really think that the only way she will miss me or change is if we are living in separate places. I am freaking superdad, so it is really hard to make this kind of decision.
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Old 11-09-2011, 10:04 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Trial Separation in the Same House

Seems to me that one of them was scheming for a "free pass" to cheat... What was it like when the other person didn't come home for a night or two or three?

Deciding if they were going to stay together for the long term...

Sounds like the "long term" didn't happen or is going to be filled with regret and resentment.

Good luck with that.

Sure like to know how this one turned out.

We'll probably never know. But we can surely guess...

Last edited by Gaylord; 11-09-2011 at 10:27 AM.
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Old 11-10-2011, 11:33 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Trial Separation in the Same House

I don't think this is the worst idea in the world but the seeing other people part of it is throwing me off. I can't see that as being something good. I mean are the dates you two have going to be part of these periodic evaluations. If the goal is to give each other space than fine. I don't see how seeing other people fits in here except to give one or both of you intimacy with a member of the opposite sex. If this happens do you really see you and your wife getting the marriage back on track? In my opinion you're just dragging out the inevitable if you go through with this setup.
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Old 03-12-2012, 03:53 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Trial Separation in the Same House

I have not experienced trial separation before but I have my own website about marriage trial separation. Feel free to browse on it anytime. You may find the link by clicking on my username. Thanks
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