Need Advice

dap · 08-28-2008, 01:28 PM

My husband left 2 weeks ago. We are both 30 years old, no children. We have been together for 11 1/2 years, married for 5.
There is no infidelity, no money issues, no drinking/drug issues etc.
Here are his reasons for leaving: He says things have gotten worse since arounf Christmas.
He says that after we got married our sex life hasnt been the same, and I dont initiate sex. He says he feels like he is trapped. He wants to be able to "reconnect" with some past friends, women, from highschool. (I have never been ok with that.) He says I am crabby alot when I come home from work. He is bored. He says this is more work than a marriage should be. He says we dont have any fun, and I have a ****ty attitude. He says he wants to go out and do what he wants, when he wants and talk to who ever he wants without having to worry if I am going to get mad or if he is hurting me.
So, here is my side.
Around right before the holidays last year I lost my very good job to a layoff. I was devasted, and it took its toll on our relationship. In April I finally found a new job. The new job is alot more stressfull than I anticipated it would be. So there are days I am not happy after working 8+ hours, driving an hour home and know that he has been sitting there for 2 hours playing video games, and there are no dishes done, no dinner made, and he proceeds to ask me what I was thinking for dinner? Yeah, that doesnt make me hot to jump on you.
He is right about the women friends. I am a very jealous person, and I am big enought to admit that. But I have never ONCE accused him of cheating. That is something I need to get alot better at. I feel we BOTH need to have more fun, get out more. Together and seperately. I HONESTLY thought we have always had a great relationship, with its bumps of course, but never would I have thought he would leave.
I have told him what I am willing to do to change, and or compromise, and what I feel we need to change and compromise together. He refuses to get any counseling, or even work it out at all. He says its too far gone. He says he is done. He is happy not being at home. He is happy he doesnt have to answer to anyone. He isnt in love with me anymore.
I think I left every responsiblity after 11+ years, I'd feel pretty free and happy too. I am devastated. What do I do?

Amplexor · 08-28-2008, 01:56 PM

He has given up on the marriage at this point. The only thing you can do is to try to convince him that an 11 year relationship is worth one more effort. If you feel the stress from you job is a contributing factor, let him know you’d like to look for something else. From the sounds of it you’re not happy with it either. If he won’t communicate verbally, try a letter or email. Let him know your relationship is important to you but be confident and don’t dote on him. Maybe since you are already separated suggest the two of you try dating again to see if you can both reconnect with some old feelings and interests. If you can move forward begin to set some goals as to how each of you can make the marriage stronger. And also how you can help each other out with the daily stresses. i.e. wash a dish sport.

I am so sorry to hear of your plight. It is difficult I know but give it your best to recover and ask him to do the same.

MarkTwain · 08-28-2008, 02:05 PM

It sounds like neither of you really took the time to meet the others needs, and there was a lack of communication between you over this.

Why work so hard to bring 2 full incomes into a house with no children. What responsibilities could there possibly be that he is running away from? You have no kids...

If the pair of you don't solve it this time round, I bet you'll both be better people when you get to your next relationships with new partners.

draconis · 08-28-2008, 02:43 PM

Well let's look at all the issues.

He feels sex is lacking. To him I am sure it is a bigger deal then to you. I think that you need to evaluate it at his level and not yours. Additionally if he can't connect to you at that level what do you expect?

By reading what you wrote I can see that you have been above normal on stress since you lost your job and with the aquiring of your new job. You are not the only one suffering from this a you have been placing a huge part of the burden on your husband.

Jealousy is also an issue and it doesn't matter to him if you feel you are getting better it mattrs if he feels you are getting better. chances are he has cut out or lost friends for you and you are only better because you are getting your way. Mean while he is the one making the sacrofices.

draconis