beginning of the end?
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Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 02-02-2011, 10:13 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default beginning of the end?

Well this is the first time I'll ever be telling my concerns to anyone else in any capacity, and even though it's probably because you all are complete strangers that I'm able to bring this up at all, thanks for reading and commenting anyway. And I apologize in advance for this being so long.

I've been married for the past 8 months after dating for around 3 years before that, and I'm afraid my marriage may be starting to fall apart. Even though it's only been 8 months, it's been the most frustrating and miserable time I can remember. In the last few months, things have gone downhill on almost every front. Sex has become almost non-existant; we've done it less than five times in the last six months, I'm always the one to initiate, I do almost all of the 'work', and I feel like giving up trying at all just to avoid the disappointment. At this point, I'm mentally kicking myself just for looking at her in a sexual way because she doesn't seem physically attracted to me at all, and I know nothing will come from my advances. (For the record, I'm young, healthy, and athletic, so there's no reason to look at me and say "Eww, gross." Also, there's no chance of her having an affair or being lesbian.)

The simple idea of sex has become such a huge inconvenience largely because of our hours. She gets out of bed around 2 in the afternoon and immediately gets on the internet, plays with her phone, or watches TV. If I try to get intimate with her, I get the "what? you're interrupting me" treatment. She does this all day. I go to bed at a normal hour, she doesn't come to bed until around 4am. Last night (or should I say this morning) she came to bed at 6:30am. When it comes to finances, I go to college and try to support us both with a small stipend, she has literally no money and her parents pay for stuff like her phone bills and meds. As for chores, she never picks up after herself and things only get cleaned after I beg for over a week. At this point, it seems like I've got a bad roommate instead of a wife.

The worst part about all of this is that I feel like I can't talk to her about this stuff. She takes meds for anxiety/depression, ADHD, and insomnia (which she doesn't use properly and I suspected her of abusing, but that's another story). Because of all of her problems, it feels like there's no room for my problems in our relationship. When I tried to talk to her about intimacy issues, she just cried and refused to talk about it because it bothered her too much, so that issue went unaddressed. When I tried to talk to her about doing her part around the house, she got upset for trying to 'change who she was'. Whenever I've tried to talk about my feelings, the conversation usually changes to how my feelings are upsetting her. It's terrible to say, but I don't feel emotionally safe with her.

As stressful as this all sounds, I know it's about to get a LOT more stressful when my job has us moving potentially all over the world every 2-3 years in the next few months. Well over half of all marriages in my career fail. The possibilities of us going to counseling are slim, considering we have little money and I'll be working over 12 hours a day everyday soon. Divorce/seperation doesn't feel like an option because I don't want to go through the embarassment. I get along with her family great, my parents and their friends put a lot into our wedding, and four couples that are our friends got engaged after we got married. This is all so hard because I know that we seem like a happy couple to everyone else, but no one can see what things are really like. Even if we did seperate, I doubt she'd emotionally (and perhaps literally) survive the trauma.

We don't have kids, and won't want them for a few more years, but lately I've been thinking I don't want kids at all. That's hard to say because my parents are 70 and 63, and I'd like them to have the pride of calling themselves grandparents. However, I've always heard that having kids to save a marriage never works, and I'm afraid that's what I'd be doing. In addition, I'm afraid a child would compel me to stay in a miserable relationship that I might otherwise have been able to escape, and having a child would just be another person hurt in the event of a seperation.

As bad as it sounds, it's starting to seem like this marriage was the biggest mistake I've ever made that will have me paying for it for the rest of my life.

Does anyone have any advice? Anything at all?
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Old 02-02-2011, 11:43 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: beginning of the end?

I'm sorry to hear this, you are right, there is alot wrong in your relationship, some of which are similar to mine and I've been married 9 yrs. I would suggest talking to a counselor if you can.
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Old 02-03-2011, 04:31 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: beginning of the end?

Its its hard now, try orders of magnitude harder when you have kids. Plus when you have young kids, you both have to give up almost your whole life for them, and she sounds like she is not willing to part with any of it.
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Old 02-03-2011, 05:15 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I dont know what to say that would help u out exactly. All I can say is, if you really love her then u have to keep trying to tell her what is wrong with your relationship. I dont know much about how to deal with the medical condition. But I do know this, my husband and I are going through something similar. I was like ur wife, maybe not as extreme, but in a way alike. My hubby is athletic and attractive but I didnt fill his needs or even want to. I didnt listen when he tried to tell me what he needed out of our relationship, what we should work on. I heard him and tried it, but i didnt give it my all. Now he we are seperated and I feel like i cant live without him. He has turned to another girl to make him feel important and I dont know how to compete with that.
All I know is, u have to keep trying to break through to her. Find someway to make her see that u want to work it out.
It took my husband leaving for me to open my eyes. Dont let it get that far.
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Old 02-03-2011, 05:26 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: beginning of the end?

You dated for 3 years - did you see signs of any of this before you were married?

I agree with the advice to seek therapy together. And, DO NOT even think about children yet. Your job will give your marriage all the stress it can handle - adding a child to that would be cruel. And, further trap you.

Your situation is unsustainable unless there are drastic changes. If it's this bad now, imagine it years from now. The magnitude of resentment will be enormous and devastating. Do your best to cause the changes now, but be willing to jump ship if she's not going to do her share. Sooner rather than later.

A coworker of my husband's once told him he should always have his resignation letter in his top right drawer. It is truly the only way to be master of your own destiny. If your resignation is unavailable, your situation will end up sounding like so many other men on this forum. Read some threads to see where this could be headed. Then take some action.
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Old 02-03-2011, 05:29 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: beginning of the end?

It sound like she has maturity and addiction issues.

Get ALL of your feelings out....perhaps on paper in this case.
GENTLY ask for time to discuss this.
Once u BOTH hash this out....make a plan on addressing it.

If she refuses, go to the next level of ultimatum.

There is a GREAT deal of stress on you at this time.
She is likely very fearfull of the upcoming changes also.
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Old 02-03-2011, 07:23 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: beginning of the end?

Beginning or end? Well, it could be the beginning of a long and horrid relationship and having kids will make it worse, MUCH worse.

I'd end it. Seriously. Don't be like me and look back over 20 years and say "If only...". She sounds like a real mess. If you aren't considering separation or divorce because you are going to be embarrassed then I'd say your priorities are seriously screwed up. That's not a good reason to stay in a relationship. You don't stay in a marriage because of what other people think.

Sounds like she needs to grow up and you need to get the right perspective. I'd say a trial separation is in order. Ship her back to her parents. Why the heck isn't she working anyway?
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Old 02-03-2011, 10:34 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: beginning of the end?

First, I just want to thank everyone for giving their advice.

I've looked back on our relationship in the past and wondered if there were any sings, and I'm still not sure. She has always stayed up late, but she's recently gotten worse with staying up till past 5am and sleeping past 3pm. So I don't know if she really has gotten worse or if it's because that we dated while I was going to college in another state and this is the longest amount of time we've been around each other. Of course, that sort of thinking makes me question if I ever really knew the person I married. Honestly, I suspect that she's proud of all the things that are wrong with her because it gives her an excuse to why she does what she does, so she never has to try to address those issues. I don't think she has an addiction problem, but I would say she is OCD and has a history of making bad decisions. And yes, looking back there were signs that there would be problems, maybe when she told me that she didn't think healthy marriages required a lot of work. But I kept telling myself that we would make it because we love each other. I told myself that "divorce" would never be in my vocabulary; just shows how far we've come.

My wife did work, but she got let go after the holiday season. Incidentally, she may have been let go by accident, but she refused to call back and ask them to double check because she says she doesn't like confrontation. (apparently that excludes with me) But even then she never made much more than what her meds and loans cost, I frequently had to give her gas money so she could get to work.

And I should clarify, I'm not embarassed of what my friends and family would think. It's just that I refuse to give up and allow myself to be defeated in anything, and I feel ashamed for even considering giving up on this marriage.

I don't want to give up because I know that I still love her. She's shared things and put more trust in me than any other person, and I don't want to destroy her by abandoning her. But increasingly I don't WANT to love her because it just makes things more miserable for me. She says she still loves me, but with about the same conviction that you would say "i'm thirsty", and we only hug or kiss when I ask for it. She says I shouldn't guard my emotions the way I do, but I do it because its just like opening a wound so salt can get poured into it. And yet, after all this, I still love her.

Again, thank you everyone for your help, and I'd love any further advice.
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Old 02-04-2011, 11:07 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: beginning of the end?

I feel for you.
I see similarities between you and my husband as far as 'not wanting to love her'
You keep giving, and giving, and get burned by lack of response..
I feel tremendous regret in what I have done.
Be as honest as you can w/ her...subtlety won't get you very far...
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Old 02-05-2011, 06:10 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: beginning of the end?

Vienna,

It sounds like your wife is acting like a spoiled brat. Isn't it unfair for you to be working your butt off everyday while she stays at home surfing the internet? Your situation sounds a lot like my own...we are stuck dealing with all of the crappy grown up issues while our spouses hang out and do whatever they want to! *I'm guess you're military?* Got that from a few things that you have said. This is nothing against you, but it seems like us SMs tend to marry too quickly. Now, I don't know if it is the idea of going off wherever (war maybe) that makes us want a spouse at home that will be thinking of us or whatever...but I've seen a few situations similar to ours in other SMs.

I am definitely not saying that your marriage is doomed. My own marriage is almost right at the same place as yours. My husband does work, but I still feel like I am taking care of a child instead of having a relationship with a spouse. Of course, I agree with everyone else, in that you should try counseling. I plan on doing the same once my husband is living with me. Divorce is never what you are thinking as a newlywed. And, everyone does say that the first year is the hardest. As long as both of you are willing to put in hard work to make things better, I have faith that you can!

Good luck to you! Sorry I didn't really have any advice. But, sometimes it is nice to know that you aren't the only one frustrated in a new marriage!
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Old 02-09-2011, 03:11 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: beginning of the end?

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Originally Posted by geneseeker View Post
Vienna,

It sounds like your wife is acting like a spoiled brat. Isn't it unfair for you to be working your butt off everyday while she stays at home surfing the internet? Your situation sounds a lot like my own...we are stuck dealing with all of the crappy grown up issues while our spouses hang out and do whatever they want to! *I'm guess you're military?* Got that from a few things that you have said. This is nothing against you, but it seems like us SMs tend to marry too quickly. Now, I don't know if it is the idea of going off wherever (war maybe) that makes us want a spouse at home that will be thinking of us or whatever...but I've seen a few situations similar to ours in other SMs.

I am definitely not saying that your marriage is doomed. My own marriage is almost right at the same place as yours. My husband does work, but I still feel like I am taking care of a child instead of having a relationship with a spouse. Of course, I agree with everyone else, in that you should try counseling. I plan on doing the same once my husband is living with me. Divorce is never what you are thinking as a newlywed. And, everyone does say that the first year is the hardest. As long as both of you are willing to put in hard work to make things better, I have faith that you can!

Good luck to you! Sorry I didn't really have any advice. But, sometimes it is nice to know that you aren't the only one frustrated in a new marriage!
You are in the same situation I am in with my wife. I have been dealing with a spoiled brat for nine years now. It is hard to cope with this everyday. If it wasnt for my daughter, I would have not put up with all the stuff I have in this marriage. With that said, keep in mind that you are ahead of the game, no kids to focus on any marriage issues. Good luck and dont wast ten years of your life to regret later. Hope you can work it out because divorce must be devastating.
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