beginning of the end?
Well this is the first time I'll ever be telling my concerns to anyone else in any capacity, and even though it's probably because you all are complete strangers that I'm able to bring this up at all, thanks for reading and commenting anyway. And I apologize in advance for this being so long.
I've been married for the past 8 months after dating for around 3 years before that, and I'm afraid my marriage may be starting to fall apart. Even though it's only been 8 months, it's been the most frustrating and miserable time I can remember. In the last few months, things have gone downhill on almost every front. Sex has become almost non-existant; we've done it less than five times in the last six months, I'm always the one to initiate, I do almost all of the 'work', and I feel like giving up trying at all just to avoid the disappointment. At this point, I'm mentally kicking myself just for looking at her in a sexual way because she doesn't seem physically attracted to me at all, and I know nothing will come from my advances. (For the record, I'm young, healthy, and athletic, so there's no reason to look at me and say "Eww, gross." Also, there's no chance of her having an affair or being lesbian.)
The simple idea of sex has become such a huge inconvenience largely because of our hours. She gets out of bed around 2 in the afternoon and immediately gets on the internet, plays with her phone, or watches TV. If I try to get intimate with her, I get the "what? you're interrupting me" treatment. She does this all day. I go to bed at a normal hour, she doesn't come to bed until around 4am. Last night (or should I say this morning) she came to bed at 6:30am. When it comes to finances, I go to college and try to support us both with a small stipend, she has literally no money and her parents pay for stuff like her phone bills and meds. As for chores, she never picks up after herself and things only get cleaned after I beg for over a week. At this point, it seems like I've got a bad roommate instead of a wife.
The worst part about all of this is that I feel like I can't talk to her about this stuff. She takes meds for anxiety/depression, ADHD, and insomnia (which she doesn't use properly and I suspected her of abusing, but that's another story). Because of all of her problems, it feels like there's no room for my problems in our relationship. When I tried to talk to her about intimacy issues, she just cried and refused to talk about it because it bothered her too much, so that issue went unaddressed. When I tried to talk to her about doing her part around the house, she got upset for trying to 'change who she was'. Whenever I've tried to talk about my feelings, the conversation usually changes to how my feelings are upsetting her. It's terrible to say, but I don't feel emotionally safe with her.
As stressful as this all sounds, I know it's about to get a LOT more stressful when my job has us moving potentially all over the world every 2-3 years in the next few months. Well over half of all marriages in my career fail. The possibilities of us going to counseling are slim, considering we have little money and I'll be working over 12 hours a day everyday soon. Divorce/seperation doesn't feel like an option because I don't want to go through the embarassment. I get along with her family great, my parents and their friends put a lot into our wedding, and four couples that are our friends got engaged after we got married. This is all so hard because I know that we seem like a happy couple to everyone else, but no one can see what things are really like. Even if we did seperate, I doubt she'd emotionally (and perhaps literally) survive the trauma.
We don't have kids, and won't want them for a few more years, but lately I've been thinking I don't want kids at all. That's hard to say because my parents are 70 and 63, and I'd like them to have the pride of calling themselves grandparents. However, I've always heard that having kids to save a marriage never works, and I'm afraid that's what I'd be doing. In addition, I'm afraid a child would compel me to stay in a miserable relationship that I might otherwise have been able to escape, and having a child would just be another person hurt in the event of a seperation.
As bad as it sounds, it's starting to seem like this marriage was the biggest mistake I've ever made that will have me paying for it for the rest of my life.
Does anyone have any advice? Anything at all?