guiltygirl

Well, everything has been sort of lukewarm since last weekend b/w me and my husband. This morning I woke up feeling really depressed...I did get out of bed, but I don't really feel like being around anyone. I told my husband how I was feeling and he mentioned his concerns. He wants us to be close like last weekend, and today I just don't feel like it.

He left to go to the store, and I can tell he is hurt. I've tried to be close to him today, but it's just not working for me. It's got nothing to do with him, and I've told him that. He is already feeling vulnerable, knowing that a couple of weeks ago I was considering separation. I really just want to be alone today. He really needs that closeness. I will try as I have been to give him what he wants, but I know he senses my distance. It seems like he's trying too hard, and that's repelling me even more.

I really can't control these cycles of moods, I wish I could. I just don't have the desire to do anything today. (I am on my meds, so that's not the problem) I am starting to feel like we will never be able to make this work because he just can't deal with my mental issues. I want him to be happy...maybe he could be happier without me.

MarkTwain

I can tell you something, but only you can decide to apply it. Most people do not have what it takes, I hope you are one of the courageous ones who can buck the trend.

You can't control your moods it's true, but here's what you can do. You can decide to not be their prisoner any more. The jail door is open. The jail door has always been open. You just need to put one foot in front of the other and walk out into the sunshine.

I can even tell you how to do this, but until you grasp it, it will seem like I am writing in an alien tongue. All you need to do is let the moods be what they will, feel them, acknowledge them, accept that they form the backdrop to your day... and just carry on with your day as you choose. So if you want to give your husband the gift of closeness, just do it. You might feel strange, you might feel dead, but you will know for once in your life who is running the show. I wish I could just get on a plane and do this for you, but that would not help. You have to do it. I hope you can because the alternative stinks.

draconis

First ask him what he wants, don't assume that he would be happier without you because if that was the case he would have left and he would not be trying so hard.

Don't hold the fact he is trying so hard against him. He is doing it for you and the relationship. You don't have to be thankful of what he is doing, but would it hurt to acknowledge the effort?

draconis

__________________
www.myspace.com/draconis1973

guiltygirl

Well, after I posted this thread yesterday, I made myself get up, shower, and do my hair and makeup. After my husband got home, things seemed to get better. Our family went to church, we came home and ate dinner, then my husband agreed for the first time in our marriage to see a chick flick with me...Mamma Mia! I was very impressed....him at a chick flick?!?!

Anyway, we got home pretty late and read through a bit of that book that MT recommended. It evoked some deep discussions and I guess it brought us closer. I was still feeling very emotional, but he seemed to be understanding about this. I asked him if he wanted to be with someone who wasn't everything he desired for the rest of his life. He said he didn't know but that he loved me and he didn't want to change things. Anyway, things were okay, but we were both getting sleepy, and still no hot sex. He told me to turn off the light, probably because he thought that I wanted to go to sleep. Somehow, this ended up turning into a fight and he slept in the living room last night.

He got up and went to the store this morning, according to my son, but he's not home yet. I'm not panicking...I know he has home improvement projects planned for the day. What happened last night is the perfect example of the problems we've had in our marriage for years. We are both so frustrated, and I feel like it's all my fault. I don't know how to feel. I know that if you're not happy with your situation, then you have the power to change it. Where do I find that power or motivation? I'm just not feeling it. Ugh!

MarkTwain

Maybe you're complicating it. Your husband does not want to talk all night - he wants sex. Or... he does not mind talking if there is some sex and the end of it. I keep trying to tell you men are simple. Well the simple men are simple. If you really put your mind to it, you can find a more complex one! Why not give him a nice time, and enjoy yourself while you're at it. There isn't anything to actually sort out, other than what's in front of your nose. Eat when hungry drink when thirsty, have sex when it's called for.

One day you might just wake up one morning and life will suddenly make sense. But many people are able to make their lives function perfectly without the benefit of that insight. Don't wait a moment longer. Enjoy your husband's body while you are both still young. Don't wait to be older and wiser.

Out of interest, when did you last have sex?

MarkTwain

Actually, he didn't put the light out because he thought you wanted to sleep. He put it out because he was hoping you would initiate sex and you did not (and he felt too scared to initiate in case of rejection). So by putting the light out, he was hoping to show you that he felt rejected - with the hope that you might "give in". Please don't ask me how I know

I know it's kind of lame, but ummm, men are simple.

draconis

You have the power to change yourr behavior. You can learn to communicate without escalating it into a fight. Now you have to decide if you want to. Motivation is about want and desire for something to happen.

draconis

__________________
www.myspace.com/draconis1973

ljtseng

First off, let me just vent here. I dont know about you, but I hate it when people tell me that i have the power to change my situation so i can be happy. im sorry, and this is just a vent and isnt anything personal, but i usually take that kind of advice, imagine its written on a piece of paper, crumble it up and chuck it in the trash. I have heard that stanza throughout my entire life and it never helps. it only makes me more depressed and frustrated. Just a vent session, hope its not taken personally. i know everyone is just trying to help. and maybe its good to hear, but for me personally, its like nails on a chalk board.

As far as the motivation, i think you know where to find it. Things get pretty ugly when you stay in bed right? You think things are bad so then you stay in bed, feel lethargic, think very unpleasant thoughts that only darken the situation...so the motivation is to not let it get that bad. because when it gets that bad it hurts a lot. and if it gets that bad, it can get even worse. the day to day routine is depressing BUT if you decide to leave that routine, your 'stay in bed' routine is much, much worse and can get even uglier. This is the start of your motivation. you do not want it to get that ugly. sounds kinda grim right? well, its a start.

Forget about your fights with your H. you cannot control those right now. they're gonna happen. just let em and move on. forget about him getting upset b/c of your withdrawal (for now), b/c its only going to make you feel guilty and more depressed, which will cause you to withdrawal more. Let him handle his own reactions to you. You're not responsible for how he chooses to react to you and you cant try and force yourself to be different because you want to make him happy. its just not going to work. You have to take care of you right now.

I read a great, and i mean a great book that was the first thing ive heard that i felt i was actually understood. its called Feeling Good by David D. Burns. Its a cognitive behavioral approach that will make you aware of the little things in life that you can do that will eventual lead to understanding the fights you have with your H and being able to respond to him better.

guiltygirl

First, I have to say something. I realized something today. I think I am too quick to rely on this forum to solve all my problems. I need to be able to work out some issues on my own, or at least try to at first. I don't want to be too dependent on the forum, if that makes any sense. That being said, I love being able to utilize it when I really need to. Thanks to all for your input and support, as always.

I want to respond to ljtseng first. We must have a few things in common, because it seems like you totally get me. I appreciate your point of view. Yesterday and today, I just did what I had to do. Talking with my husband about the depression has alleviated some of our problems though. He is finally starting to realize that he shouldn't rely on me to make him happy. He has to find that within himself. He has agreed to work on being more understanding of my "low" times. He admitted this is difficult for him, but I can tell he is really trying. I will check into that book you mentioned. It sounds like it could be very helpful.

MT- I know men are simple, the problem is that I am not. You did once again make me laugh though. I know he needs sex...he lets me know this every day. I do try, but the depression sometimes has a pretty strong hold on my behavior. You are probably right about the whole sex initiation thing, but I didn't get the sense that he wanted it based on his behavior. I always complicate things...it's what I do...overanalyze everything. I guess everything was just so awkward yesterday that I felt like if we discussed our relationship, it would bring us close like last weekend. As always, I will do my best to follow your advice. I am trying to get comfortable with my husband's body first. If you must know, we had sex today...it was pretty good. Yes!

Draconis- I think I get what you're saying about communicating. I did approach him today, and we worked things out, for now anyway. We discussed that this will be an ongoing process. I know as a man, he wants to solve our problem quickly and just be happy, but he realizes that this will take time. Often, once I post a thread, I know exactly what I need to do or how to approach our problem.

I still have some anxiety about our differences regarding sex as well as expectations, but we will work on this together.

Thanks again!

draconis

Simetimes writing something down helps you to remember of think about it. I to a class on memorization and they told us to write things down and read them once. That way you have three ways to remember something. Hearing it, writing it, reading it. I also remember things based on where I was at the time I hear information. Now for you the same things can be applied. By writing things down you can analyze it. Sometimes things don't seem to be bothering you as much as they do until you read it on paper. Other times you write it down and laugh that you let something like that bother you. Anyway you look at it, writing it down uses a different part of your brain to process the problem.

If you feel that you want to take the first steps taking care of each thing then great. Remember, the forums will always be here for back-up and support.

draconis

__________________
www.myspace.com/draconis1973

MarkTwain

YES!

Phew, I was worried that I was getting into your husband's bad books, from you constantly hitting him over the head with that book I recommended.

Well, that will have made your husband very happy, but it won't be long before he will need a top up! You know a lot of women say that the more often they have it, the more they get used to it, and automatically incorporate it into their routine.

As for solving your problems re depression I don't know if they can be solved 100%, but you can manage them. See my post #2 on this thread, which you never commented on.

Surly the nature of bi polar is to be up and down? So you are doing as well as can be expected, maybe better

draconis-
100% aggree writing things down really can work.

guiltygirl

Draconis- you are truly a wealth of information...did I say that already? I hope it doesn't ever bother you guys that I come here with my problems. I guess I could go back to journaling, but I like the feedback or whatever I get here.

MT- I did get your post about the bipolar thing, but it's difficult for me to take advice on this because I don't think people really get the severity of the "downs". I know it will never be solved 100%, and I think my husband is realizing this as well....slowly, but at least he's aware of it.

You seem a lot like my husband, maybe all men, regarding the sex thing. I think he is hopeful that I will be exactly as you say...wanting sex all the time. I really don't think this will happen (I know...negative) Today, I feel less depressed, but I'm a little irritated by my husband. We had a great day yesterday, but the more physical closeness we have, the more he seems to want it. I feel like I am going into sensory overload with too much touching. I know what you guys will say...make up your mind. Do I want us to be close or not? The answer is yes, but for me, there is such a thing as too much physical closeness. Today, I feel like telling him to back off. I'm so mean.

Another thing that's bothering me is that I am still fantacizing about being with someone else...anyone else. Sometimes, I even pretend he is someone else when we are having sex. Is this normal? I know this is terrible, but at least I can be honest about it.

MarkTwain

guiltygirl!
To answer your last point first, my wife often pretends I am someone else, and I love it! But not all men are comfortable with this, so it's hard to know if you should share. I think that whatever fantasy gets you in the mood is good for both of you. Don't be racked with guilt.

If you don't want to play ball on the sex thing over the long term, then you may get your wish and hubby will jump at the first chance of some uncomplicated bit of ass! Then believe me, once you have lost him you will miss him. All his faults will be feint memories and all his good points will seem huge. I know someone this recently happened to. I don't know if you have experienced pining after something or someone you can't have, but it's not a fun activity.

And conversely, if he finds a more straight forward woman, he may never want to go back to complexity again. You may wisely decide to keep him entertained so he does not get the chance to taste the joys of simplicity.

Also you are being short term. Right now you are not felling sex mad, but give it a few years, and you are highly likely to develop a stronger appetite. If humans choose monogamy, they can't expect their partners to morph into just the right shape at the right time. We all have to take the rough with the smooth.

guiltygirl

Ouch! That hurt a bit, but I knew you would respond this way. I have felt for years that he would wise up and realize that there is someone better for him, as I have said before. All I can say is I'm doing the best I can on this front. If he does leave me, I will not be surprised, and I know I will miss him. Due to my complexity or issues, it may be better for him. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, but there are so many things about me that I have tried to change and have been unsuccessful. One of those is the sex appetite you mentioned. I don't think I can control that one though.

I wonder if my fantacizing about being outside of the marriage is an indication that I don't want him anymore. Sometimes, I just need some space from him, which he doesn't like of course. I do love him. I know I come across as crazy on this forum with all the things I share. That's just who I am....maybe my username should be crazygirl instead. haha!

MarkTwain

Sometimes a jolt from the dark side can be healthy, and I know you can handle it.

Well that is interesting because my wife sometimes needs space form me... and on top of her fantasising about me being someone else in bed... You are not as abnormal as you think


And if you are crazy what does that make people like me out to be, who spend hours writing carefully crafted answers to posts like yours? You are an interesting and worthwhile person, don't sell yourself short.