stuckandscared

Hi everyone,

I was wondering if anyone has been/going through what I am, and if so, if they could pass on any advice/opinions...I'll give a really brief synopsis:

I met my husband 11 years ago, dated a year, engaged for 3 years, and married for 7 1/2 years.

When I met my husband, he was cocky, judgmental of others and such an egotist...I knew this, told him I hated it....but he was NEVER like this with me....he was always caring and complimentary of me....and with time, his attitude and "holier than thou" attitude improved greatly.
We have always been very close and VERY happy...I always told everyone "we have the best marriage....I feel bad for others that don't have such a great marriage"...."I don't know any other couple that is this happy", etc., etc.
Since we've been married I have ALWAYS told him how I need more help from him and that I can't do everything all on my own...I do all of the cooking, cleaning, pay all of the bills, car upkeep (incl. wash and waxing), take care of the animals....occ'ly he will do laundry (although doesn't fold/hang/put away...washes and lies flat or throws in a hamper)....well, he has never stepped up to plate to help despite years of talk....we talk on a fri. pm and sat. he watches me clean house for 6 hours w/o offering to help....throughout the marriage we have both either been in school or working full-time (or, like when I was in grad school, working and going to school full-time)...so, it isn't like I have had any more free time than him...in fact, usually much less time than he does....In addition, I can never just go have dinner, shopping, movie, etc. with a friend...NEVER...he always either assumes he should be invited or just tags along. In 11 years, I can count on two hands the number of times that I was able to go out with friends without him....I feel like I am in prison...

Over the past 11 months, my feelings have really changed...he quit telling me I look nice, complimenting me (other than meals and how well I cleaned the house)...then in march I went out of town for a school thing for 3 days...it was the 1st time in 11 years that I felt totally free...I wasn't told what time to quit working out, be ready for dinner by, to "use my inside voice", not to have another glass of wine, etc. It was GREAT...I haven't felt so free and grown up in years. I remembered what it was like to be happy and independent again. I have always been very independent and I have had that taken away from me...My fault, I know. He is so controlling of where I am at every minute.

Hind site is 20-20 and while there has always been things that have bothered me and upset me, I sucked it up and dealt with it...

Another big thing for me is loving your family....and other than ME, my husband truly doesn't care that much about anyone else! I have a problem with that...I used to think that "as long as he loves me...", but frankly, being a really happy person by nature and loving to help others, that just isn't good enough....

Anyway, I want out but I am THE only person he cares about (he's actually told me that)...I don't want to hurt him and he kind of knows there are problems but he is chalking it up to me being depressed or busy with school...I am trying to build up the courage to tell him....I am seeing a counselor and I want to get him in too b/c I want him to have support....ugh...I could keep going...I would love to get some opinions....Am I a horrible person, how do you hurt someone you used to love and someone that is so dependent on you for their happiness. And in the meantime, how do I keep avoid being intimate with him....I feel nothing but sadness and disgust when he touches me now...I'm so sad and frustrated!!!

Opinions? Thanks everyone!!!

voivod

oh, god, give him a laundry list (no pun intended) telling him these things are really getting in the way of me being happy. ask him, "you want me to be happy, right." i didn't listen about a year and a half ago, now, after a near death experience, i'm faced with losing it all because i didn't hear my wife. please give him the chance to process the info, ok. you won't be sorry, because if he reacts the way i did, you'll be given the freedom and feel the independence, and YOU WILL BE HAPPY. just don't blow up the marriage because you didn't make the effort to let him know, please.

my signature says it all...

__________________
separated, honoring wife daily with AA, counseling, she deserves the best me i can give her.


4 kids g16, g11, g10(happy b-day molly mouse), b5

Amplexor

Getting counsel for your self is great. Keep that up as the counselor is a trained professional who can really help. Upon reading your thread I see your husband as a very selfish, insecure, control freak. You are not at fault. You are not a “horrible person” just someone who has recognized a bad situation and are trying to make it better.

Selfish: he doesn’t help around the house. Just sits back and lets you do the work

Insecure: He is fearful of letting you go out alone. He doesn’t want you to grow as a person.

Control Freak: Just that you in your mind feel you must do as he requires says it all.

Ask the counselor for help in the situation. With help and time you can both move to a happier marriage. At this time it sounds one sided. You can recover your feelings for your husband. People do fall back in love but it may take time and patience. He won’t change overnight.

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

blind

I must second what voivod and Amp have said. Like your husband, I too didn't meet my wife's needs and am now facing divorce. Once I understood how my wife was feeling I've made great changes to meet her needs. But it seems to be too little, too late. Please don't wait that long to let him know the problems. I know you feel like you've already tried to tell him in the past. For whatever reason, us guys have a hard time understanding the gravity of the situation. You and he need to have a heart to heart. He needs to come away with the clear understanding that the realtionship is in trouble and what he can do to make you happy. If he is willing to put forth the effort, you'll both be happy. Don't let an 11 year realtionship die before it has a chance to be saved.

You've now heard from 3 guys who have made the mistake of not understanding and meeting their wives' needs. Take it from us, once he understands precisely how you feel and that the problems are serious, his eyes will be opened and changes will follow.

I think I can speak for Amp and voivod when I say that we aren't condoning your husband's behavior. I regret everyday the way I approached my marriage. But, please try to forgive him and give him an opportunity to right the ship. I think you will be glad you did.

My very best to you. Take care.

Blind

stuckandscared

Dear voivod and amplexor,

Thank you so much for the comments/opinions. I have given my husband a list of things I need help with...he agreed to help more...He also has had me max out student loans so he can buy $2000 speakers, bikes, etc. (which is another problem I talked with him about) and helping around the house lasted for about 2 weeks....and now he is hinting around about buying new bike stuff....oh, the other thing is that he always said we would follow whichever career was more reliable, which will probably be mine, but now he is wanting me to put things on hold for him for the 3rd time in 7 years....so, I have to say that after months of working on things, he hasn't shown any signs of change and that is even knowing how depressed I am....any thoughts there?

I used to think I could regain my feelings, but I would stake my life on it that I am just done...I want him happy and given the spoiled way he was brought up, his continued lack of compassion/empathy for others, several other big ticket concerns, and the way I have catered to him....I truly don't think he has the capacity to change....it is very sad...I am so very sad for him...the only way I think he will be happy is if I suck it up and continue to put my wants/needs/dreams on the back-burner....

I would love additional thoughts, and again, thank you for your comments....I just feel like such a terrible person....I never thought someone could fall out of love with someone, but I guess it happens...I just never saw it happening to me!

stuckandscared

Dear Blind,
Thank you too for the comments! It is really nice having some male opinions.

He at some point (although he seems oblivious-or in denial-now) because when we had a big heart to heart a few months ago, I told him I still loved him, but I needed some changes to occur. He even said, "this is more serious than I thought" and he brought up the word divorce....but now he is back to the same unhelpful guy...he does occasionally tell me I look nice now....but he also gives me grief when I am stuck in clinics late and REALLY gripes (to my family too) when I go to the gym.

I am soooo very sorry that your wife didn't tell you sooner....but I think it is great that you made the effort to change and I hope that you take comfort (as much as possible) in that....

I welcome any additional thoughts and I am so thankful for everyone's comments.

ljtseng

i think maybe this is where you are getting caught in a rut. I think you feel responsible for his happiness. That is why you feel caged. You dont feel like you can be who you want to be and also be with him.

I did this to my H when we were first married. Whenever he wanted to go out with his friends or do something without me, i gave him a MAJOR guilt trip. I mean, sometimes i would seriously freak out. It was really hard on him and he did start feeling trapped and resentful towards me. He stopped doing what he loved and became miserable.

I think you outta try doing a boundaries workbook together, or even on your own. It might be better to do it on your own right now since you are so upset. That is what i did. If you work on your boundaries you'll learn you can still do things that make you happy even if it upsets him. My H is back to doing the things he loves. Ya, i threw some fits in the beginning, had some self-loathing episodes (the whole he doesnt love me), but now, two years later, i realize how ridiculous i was being.

voivod

stuckand scared,

you say:
>>>he always said we would follow whichever career was more reliable, which will probably be mine, but now he is wanting me to put things on hold for him for the 3rd time in 7 years....so, I have to say that after months of working on things, he hasn't shown any signs of change and that is even knowing how depressed I am....any thoughts there?<<<

i don't think he really thought he'd ever have to make that decision. now, force him. something like, "i got a job offer that may force us to (move, do whatever) and you tell him that you'd have to strongly consider that. use his answer as a gauge.

also, you make the same mistake about love. you think you're IN it. reality is with love, i think, you DO it. so does he. both partners. explain that love is all about these thing you need fron him. use us for examples. "honey, i've been talking to some friends and they think that you're missing the point here. they told me that they were doing a lot of the same things you are doing now, and their marriages are in serious trouble. they don't want it to be like that. i know guys don't really understand this part of females' needs. but i'm trying to help you understand. this isn't about me. it truly is about US." something like that.

good luck. i just pray you'll give your marriage the consideration it deserves.

__________________
separated, honoring wife daily with AA, counseling, she deserves the best me i can give her.


4 kids g16, g11, g10(happy b-day molly mouse), b5

draconis

draconis

__________________
www.myspace.com/draconis1973

Amplexor

If he is unwilling to make changes and stick with them it is time for you to. Stop catering to his wants (These are not needs, he is perfectly capable of doing laundry, cleaning a bathroom….) he is not earning your support. Start to live for yourself a bit. Go out with friends, continue to go to the gym. Let him fend for himself a bit more. Pick up his own socks so to speak. Don’t neglect the house but let him know there are things he agreed to do and he needs to do them. If you develop your own interests and friends it may get him to finally see the light. Don’t make this confrontational, just that you have social needs and interests. If he’d like to join you in them, fine. If not at least you extended the invitation. Good luck

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

stuckandscared

Hey everyone,
So we have been talking....he is convinced that my disinterest in being around him, my silence, etc. is because he's been reading similar sites as this and worries that I am cheating on him...He should know me better than that...There are a few things in life that I feel you never do, and one is to cheat on a mate...I've always said that if someone decides they want to be with someone else, then they should leave the other person first...I am just not the type of person to cheat....I told him he should know that, but I understand how with my changes, how he could feel that way...but I reassured him that I haven't and won't....I did tell him that I want some freedom and some independence...he said those two things aren't compatible with marriage...I told him that I need some time and space to clear my head and think....and to not constantly feel like big brother is watching me....he said that is really hard for him to do especially now b/c things are so strained and b/c I have been avoiding him and pushing him away. I told him that I don't think he has the capacity to give me the time/space I am asking for and needing...while I kind of understand his point, and I do feel horrible that we haven't been talking more frequently and that we have no intimacy (which is all my fault but I don't have those feelings for him now), I still need and want space. He mentioned separation and asked if that is what I want...I told him I didn't say that and then later as we talked more (in circles...you know how that goes), I said, "maybe we should separate for a bit" so I can clear my head and have time to think....he then said, he thought that was a "bad idea b/c we really won't talk then and we'll be more likely to not get back together"....He told me I am selfish and only thinking of myself...and he wondered if I cared about him...I told him, "of course I care about you...if I didn't, I wouldn't be here"...and I wouldn't...if I didn't care, I wouldn't worry about hurting his feelings and I would be filing for divorce. I just don't understand how this can happen...we had what was thought of as the perfect marriage...obviously it was not and years of things have built up....I just don't understand how people can fall out of love...I NEVER thought it would happen to me and it absolutely kills me to know that I have and I would rather die than hurt him....I don't think he has the capacity to make the changes I need for a partner and even if he could change, I don't see myself falling back in love with him. It is either sacrifice myself and live a lie or hurt him...I do love him and want to take care of him b/c he is a wonderful man, but we just aren't going the same paths and maybe I am selfish, but I....ugh, I wish the tables were turned and he would be the one whose feelings changed....Death would be easier than hurting a loved one...truly!!!

Thanks for listening to me babble

guiltygirl

Amen sister! I feel much the same way as you, though maybe not rightfully so. My husband and I have completetly different issues, and not to rub it in, but he really does his fair share around the house and such.

You SHOULD NOT sacrifice yourself nor live a lie. You would be wasting your life.

I totally get the intimacy thing...I thought I was the only one who felt like this. The men on the forum suggest telling your man what you need and desire. My husband has listened to my needs and really worked to change things. He has been wonderful. Sadly, though, my feelings haven't really changed. I'm sorry your husband is reacting the way he is.

I agree with a previous post that your husband is insecure and has control issues. He needs to recognize this himself so that he can work on it. Whether or not you stay together, you should definitely encourage him to work on this. (Although, it seems he might be reluctant based on the information you've given us about him.)

What's interesting is that he brought up separation, but when you later agreed it was a good idea, he reacted by saying that you must not care about him. Isn't that passive-aggressive or something? I'm no psychologist...but you don't bring something up as an option if you aren't willing to consider it. That's my opinion anyway.

Everyone keeps saying you can't fall out of love...but I feel the same way you do about this. Seriously though, he really can't expect you to feel differently unless he is willing to put some major effort into changing the dynamics of your relationship. If he's not willing, then what are you supposed to do? Hopefully, he realizes and works on these issues before it's too late. I wish you lots of luck.

I must say, it's relief that someone else out there has the same types of feelings I do. I feel so guilty for feeling what I feel...hence the name guiltygirl.

stuckandscared

I feel sooooo guilty and detest myself every waking minute of every day....I know how you feel, sweetie....it is terrible....I am waiting to get my husband an appt. with the counselor I've been seeing....he needs help no matter what happens between us...and I need to know he has a support system before I could ever make steps toward separation and/or divorce. I really do care about him and his feelings and I want him to be happy yet I truly don't believe he can be happy without me....ugh! Who would have seen this coming, huh? It is so hard and I wish I had a magic solution for all of us!

You know, I never thought people could just fall out of love, but apparently, they can...until you've experienced it, it is hard to imagine....

Take care of yourself and know that I will be right here and you are not alone!

guiltygirl

Thanks! I am also here for you anytime.

guiltygirl

I sent you a private message in response to the post you made on md250r.