Should I leave my wife if she sort of cheated?
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - Online Counseling - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Considering Divorce or Separation » Should I leave my wife if she sort of cheated?

Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 02-23-2011, 09:04 AM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: PA
Posts: 19
Default Should I leave my wife if she sort of cheated?

First the story:

Back in 10/09 my wife tells me she wants a divorce. I did the whole please don't leave I will change thing. It didn't seem to be working. So I found a website and they said forget the wife figure out how to fight for the kids. Reading this it mention that I should monitor the computer. Which I did and found out she was talking with some guy. Improper talk. She meant this guy out once with friends but nothing happen. Which I could tell from their talk. But there was talk about seeing each other again and all that stuff.

I didn't tell her I knew. I just started keep records and was trying to play nice guy so I could get a good divorce settlement $ wise and custody wise. Well after a could of weeks I realized this guy was a neighbor and had kids and I didn't feel it was fair to keep this to myself so I called his wife.

Well once my wife found out I knew what was going on. She is crying saying she wants to work it out and all this BS. This is after I spent nights crying myself to sleep and finally accepted the fact it was over.

(sorry so long )

Well I found out through all this she was also sort of seeing another guy b4 that. I found out she kissed this guy. They were texting each other like crazy and that was going on the month b4. (9/09). From everything I have gathered she didn't have sex with this guy. More of a mental thing.

So for the sake of the kids we did the whole marriage counseling. She also went to see her own counselor. We stop seeing the marriage counselor about a year after all this went down. But she still sees her counselor every other month.

She has done everything I could ask from her to try and fix this. She has not gone out one time to a bar without me or even has ever asked if she could. She went shopping a couple of times with friends but calls I guess so I know what's she is doing. I still monitor the computer and now, I check her phone records all the time and there is nothing.

My problem is I cant get over it. I never bring it up to her but I think about it all the time. Its always in the back of my mind. I cant let go of it and I cant forgive her. I want to leave her but I have 2 young kids. (6 & 9 ) and its not fair, I would miss half of their lives growing up because of her. If I leave eventually she would be with someone else and then some other guy would be helping to raise my kids. I don't know if I could deal with that.

Plus I cant hurt my kids. If I leave my wife I would be breaking up the family. How can I do that? When she was going to leave me then there was nothing I could do about it. It was on her. She broke up the family. But when she did that 180 and begged to work it out then I would have been the one not trying. Why couldn't she have just left then?

I'm so hurt and confused. She has no idea this stuff is even going through my head. I want to leave but I feel like I'm letting my kids down. Why cant I just forgive her?

Im looking for any in put. thanks in advance.

Last edited by still existing; 02-23-2011 at 09:09 AM.
still existing is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 02-23-2011, 09:41 AM   #2 (permalink)
anx
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,081
Default Re: Should I leave my wife if she sort of cheated?

Quote:
I never bring it up to her but I think about it all the time.
This. You NEED to talk to her about this. You need to deal with this other than not talking about it and being mad. Find a book on forgiving cheating. You may want to go back to MC or PC and figure out how to forgive this.

Quote:
If I leave my wife I would be breaking up the family. How can I do that? When she was going to leave me then there was nothing I could do about it. It was on her. She broke up the family. But when she did that 180 and begged to work it out then I would have been the one not trying.
Now its on you to fix. Its YOUR turn to (180?) figure out how to get unstuck and make this work.

Please do not just stay stuck in this.
anx is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-23-2011, 12:44 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Lawrence, KS
Posts: 654
Default Re: Should I leave my wife if she sort of cheated?

Anx,

Listen, what she did was wrong, horrifically wrong. My wife has had at least FOUR affairs so believe me I can relate. (I found out about three of them all at once, so I wasn't just a "push over" letting her off easy, and the fourth is the guy she eventually left with last summer) With that said however, it sounds like she has been doing everything she possibly can to try to make things right between both of you, and has apparently done so perfectly which is incredibly impressive. Once a woman starts to travel down that path, it can be hard to truly cut ties 100% and not accidentally slip up with a text message or accepting a call here or there. Really I think it sounds like she has been truly repentant. Look up the meaning of that word, it is pretty powerful stuff.

So first off, I need to say that all of this is on YOU now. I don't mean that in a negative, accusatory way. I'm just saying that you are struggling with forgiveness, and she can't do anything about that. You owe it to your kids, and frankly I think you owe it to your wife by now, to find a way to forgive her and move on. You don't want to live in a prison forever that you have created for yourself, even if she did lay the foundation. There are lots of great books for this, or you could see a counselor yourself. The fact is that you CAN get past this, you CAN make the choice to find a way to do it and, by your own admission, wouldn't that be the best case scenario for you and your family? Your wife could feel loved and trusted again, your kids could feel secure, you could feel all of their love and know that you won't have to miss a moment of their lives, etc. Sounds like win-win-win!

Secondly, I would advise you to dig deeper into why she did what she did, though I'm guessing you have already done so. In my view, it isn't in most women's nature to just go out and commit adultery for no reason, there is usually a cause behind it. I'm a guy, I know I have screwed up BADLY and REPEATEDLY in my marriage and I'm guessing you aren't an angel either, so I would suggest making sure that you are looking back and taking a good look at your own attitudes and behaviors prior to her emotional affairs. Just make sure you are also doing what you can to be a better husband and father all the time.

I hope this was helpful. I would really hate to hear that you will actually consider divorce in this situation because of your strugles in this area. As I said before, BELIEVE ME, I can relate to the gut wrenching pain of what you went through, and it really is the worst pain I have ever gone through in my entire life, but I have come to terms with it and forgiven her for it. I really don't think about it anymore, and yet we still live apart while I struggle to try to save the marriage. So please, don't throw this away.
cdbaker is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-23-2011, 01:30 PM   #4 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: PA
Posts: 19
Default Re: Should I leave my wife if she sort of cheated?

thanks cdbaker,

that was a very helpful post. I thought about seeing a counselor by myself. Maybe I should just do that.

I look back at all that mess and it was like when she found out I knew it was like 2 days later we were seeing a MC and working on fixing our marriage. Like I never even had time to be mad. not sure if that would be any good or not.

I just dont get how she went from wanting a divorce and being so unhappy to crying and begging me not to leave her. Its just so hard for me to understand.

We have looked into why she started the affair. She said we didn't spent quality time together. Like we had our work then family time together with the kids but when they went to bed we went our separate ways. I get this and it is true. When we did stuff together as a family, I considered that spending time together. Apparently she didn't. We don't have a lot in common together as far as TV shows and stuff. So I would do my thing and she did hers.

I didn't really like going out drinking and so I would stay home with the kids and just let her go with her friends. Yea big mistake that turned out to be. I didn't see the signs and Im not a cheater. Never even thought about it. So now I feel so dumb and like such a loser that this happen to me. I feel like she won. Like she had her fun and she still get me and the family. I wonder if I should start an affair. If that would help me get over this mess. But I dont even know how to go about such a thing. Im such a loser.

Sorry Im rambling.
still existing is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-23-2011, 01:41 PM   #5 (permalink)
anx
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,081
Default Re: Should I leave my wife if she sort of cheated?

I can't really tell from your post if you are still in MC or not. Get in MC or PC if you are not.

When people are hurting in a relationship they do stupid things and don't think strait. They justify cheating or being hurtful or whatever else. Your wife realized what she had done and did a quick 180 to try to fix her mistake.

If you can get in MC, do it and fix the issues between you two.
anx is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-23-2011, 02:58 PM   #6 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: PA
Posts: 19
Default Re: Should I leave my wife if she sort of cheated?

we are no longer going to MC. stopped a while back. She goes to a PC every other month.
still existing is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-23-2011, 03:02 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 49
Default Re: Should I leave my wife if she sort of cheated?

Quote:
Originally Posted by still existing View Post
I wonder if I should start an affair. If that would help me get over this mess.
You can't put out a fire by throwing more fire on it.
AlwaysThinkingMaybe is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-23-2011, 03:57 PM   #8 (permalink)
anx
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,081
Default Re: Should I leave my wife if she sort of cheated?

IMO, if you want to fix this, get back into MC with her and talk about it with her until you can get in.

This is too much hurt to just get over.
anx is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-23-2011, 07:55 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,462
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by still existing View Post
we are no longer going to MC. stopped a while back. She goes to a PC every other month.
The problem is that you are being asked to do all of the work to heal the marriage and she has been required to do nothing but wait for you to get over it. This is not the way it should go - this will never work you will eventualy leave maybe not now but eventually. The MC is wrong - my suggestion is to read the iBook "how can I forgive you" by Janet Abrahms it is available as a free download from the iPhone app free.

I has a difficult time forgiving my husband and this the first book that I read that really helped. The author presents the idea of atonement and that the transgressor is the one that needs to do the work not you the faithful one. The books gives guidance on how to accomplish this. You have not been given a chance to foregive you were rushed. No matter what the therapist say they are wrong if you are required to forgive when she has not traveled with you and takes the burden of your pain. She is not the focus in this you are. She made this mess not you.

There is some good information on the Aftercare site maintained by a member of this forum it has excellent info on recovery. You wife needs to know what you are going thru is she is not willing to help you bear this pain then she is not sorry she hurt you and she may do it again. If you dont have children yet think carefully - is this a person you would fall in love with marry and spend your life with. Dont wait for children to complicate the issue decide now based on her attitude. She will treat you the way you allow her to treat you so keep that in mind.

Please don't think that because a yr has past that you should be over this you never had a chance so for you this is day one. I hope this helps and be assured that you are the one that needs therapy and support.
Posted via Mobile Device

Last edited by Catherine602; 02-23-2011 at 08:00 PM.
Catherine602 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-23-2011, 08:28 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Lawrence, KS
Posts: 654
Default Re: Should I leave my wife if she sort of cheated?

Still Existing,

After reading your post, I have to say I really, 100%, feel that you need to be getting some counseling of your own as well. Please don't take that as an insult as I don't mean it that way at all, but you express some issues that represent some very real concerns. Namely needing help getting over the emotional affair and what appear to be very clear signs of depression.

I'm sure you weren't the perfect husband, that you have some areas where you can (and should) improve. But you can't take on all of the blame either. You need to accept that you can't take responsibility for her actions and you can forgive yourself for whatever failures you've made in the past. Keep working to become the best man you can be for her. But thinking of having an affair won't help at all and will just make everything worse in the long run. I doubt she feels like she has "won" at all, she probably feels a great deal of guilt and shame for what she did. Further, since she never went all the way, she probably feels like she has been paying a massive price for what she DID do.

And that is another major reason why you need to work through this. I have no doubt that she knows full well that you have been struggling to forgive her and I am sure that weighs on her heavily too. At a certain point... and feel free to disagree with me here of course... but I think at a certain point you owe it to her to forgive her, to leave this in the past and move on. Quite frankly, not being able to let it go is holding you back from having the intimate relationship that you should have with your wife, that she deserves. If you can't move past it before too long, she will likely start to feel like she will never escape the sins of her past and things will go downhill from there.

You sound like a great dude and your wife sounds like a wonderful woman who realized her mistakes. You mentioned that you can't understand how she could go from engaging in the early steps of an affair and thinking of separation/divorce, to getting caught and suddenly wanting to make it work? I've seen this before in my wife as well. My feeling is that she knew every step of the way that what she was doing was very wrong, and when she got busted, which she surely never figured would happen, but when it did she was likely flooded with the guilt and shame of the sudden realization of what she had done. She likely realized what kind of trouble she could be in, realized what all she had risked, what all she could lose, etc. Twice my wife had a similar sudden turn-around when she was caught. From texting/calling/****ing another guy to begging my forgiveness on her knees and begging me to not kick her out and then hours later planning a recommitment ceremony and wanting to get pregnant again. (of course, I never thought for a moment of kicking her out) My situation didn't work out so well as she eventually cheated and left again, but your wife has been fully committed from what it sounds like. Honestly, don't question why she turned it around. I don't think it is uncommon at all, and you should be happy beyond reason that it has worked out the way it has. She'll likely be that much more loyal now because of this experience, but again, only if you can move past this and help her rebuild your marriage.
cdbaker is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-24-2011, 08:52 AM   #11 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: PA
Posts: 19
Default Re: Should I leave my wife if she sort of cheated?

thanks everyone for the advice. It does really help.

I do think that she is really remorseful for the actions she did. Or at least she is acting like she is because she was scared I was going to leave.

I do know if we didn't have kids I would have left. That's why Im having such a hard time dealing with it. Because I feel what she did was unforgivable. I cant let it go. But I love my kids more then anything and I don't want them growing up in a split family. Nor do I want some other guy helping to raise my kids and I don't want to see only half of their childhood. So I stay.

But the truth is I feel like Im acting. Don't get me wrong. I loved my wife and I still do. We been through so much together. Good & bad. But when I go home from work, while she is being nice. I put on a fake smile. I act like everything is ok. We never bring up any of this. Its been months since the topic ever came up. Like it never even happen.

Its hard. Im reminded about it all the time. On TV shows, movies ....heck I cant even watch certain movies now because of this. Normally I would rush out to see a movie like " The Dilemma" Now I couldn't bare to watch it.

On the holidays like Mothers Day or Valentines Day, I would always get her these meaningful cards about how great a wife and mother she is. How can I now? Most of them talk about being faithful and always being by my side. None of them fit my marriage anymore. And she has noticed. She even asked where her card was. Well I cant really buy one now, can I? So I didn't. I just made up some BS excuse why I didn't get a card. But simple this like this are now hard to cope with.

Life is hard now. I feel like I have been cheated in life. Most people go about their marriage as normal loving couples. I have this huge burden I carry. When friends ask us to go out as couples I don't even want to go. Because I just sit there and act like a happy couple. I grow tired of acting.
still existing is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-24-2011, 11:02 AM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Lawrence, KS
Posts: 654
Default Re: Should I leave my wife if she sort of cheated?

Listen, from everything you are saying it sounds clear that you have already given up on your marriage. Seriously, everything said screams that YOU are now guiding your marriage and your family to divorce. I hate to sound harsh, but it sounds like your wife has done what she can to save the marriage but you can't do the same. Simply getting by or putting on a fake smile isn't helping anyone. Your wife clearly loves you, you love her, you love your children, so freaking man up and do what you have to do for your children.

Seriously, I'm not trying to be mean, but you really need to do something about this because every day you wait you are doing a disservice to the people you claim to love so fervently. Yes, YOU are hurting them now. You did get screwed over but it could have been SO much worse I assure you. Let me tell you a little story...

My wife started her first affair back in the early spring of 2009 with an old high school dropout friend of hers who worked at a garage door factory since graduating. That didn't last long before she moved on to a 55 year old married man (she was 24 at that time) who lived about 30 minutes away. They didn't have an "affair" exactly in that it wasn't emotional at all, just sex, phone sex, internet sex, etc. The third was a full blown, she had every intention of leaving me and taking our daughter with her, affair. That was with a 37 year old married cable-TV installer with three young kids. He was mostly leading her on however and never did leave his wife, leaving my wife an emotional wreck who waited a few weeks after I caught her to come back to me. (I found out about all of the affairs at the same time) Not more than a month later (June 2010) she got a new job and almost immediately began another genuine affair with a 51 year old alcoholic/drug addict, three-times divorced, not a penny to his name, and abusive man. She moved out with him about a month later in July and left my daughter and I, took all of her income with her after I had been supporting her going to school without working for over a year, and left me with all of our combined expenses including her car payment, car insurance, health insurance and cell phone bills. I am not wealthy by any stretch, so her leaving, combined with my company cutting my salary by 50% just one month earlier, left me about $1,300 per MONTH under water that I had to figure out how to trim from the budget. Even today I am still operating about $300 under water every month while I struggle to essentially be a single dad who can't afford to eat lunch during the work day. I have had a LOT to forgive her for but I worked through it. I accepted that I shared a large degree of the responsibility for the breakdown of our marriage and have truly forgiven her. She and I are still separated, she claims she isn't in a relationship with the man any more but still lives in an apartment full of his stuff and he sleeps over frequently. I'm still trying to save the marriage and indeed I have a great deal of hope for it.

I don't say all of that to guilt you. But adultery is commonplace these days. Studies now show that most married adults are more likely than not to commit adultery at some point in their life. I don't necessarily want to undercut what actually happened, but do remember that she didn't actually commit adultery either. An emotional affair is a serious issues, no doubt, and while she did cross some lines that shouldn't have been crossed, she also stopped short of crossing the really major lines when she likely could have VERY easily done so.

You aren't a loser either. You didn't dump your wife to the curb when she did what she did, you didn't doom your children to a life with a divorced Mommy and Daddy, you soldiered on and have weathered the worst of the storm. A lot of people would have given up, and make no mistake, this happens to a LOT of people so don't think that you have been cheated out of the heavenly marriage that "everyone else gets to experience" because I promise you that what you have gone through is not uncommon but it DOES demand that you be strong and push through it. Trust me, this process is sooo much harder when you have to try to be strong enough to get through it all when your partner is doing everything they can to destroy your family, so having your wife working hard to save your family is truly a blessing. I hope you can see that.

At this point, she deserves your forgiveness, your children deserve it as well. If you don't offer it soon, then she'll start to wonder what she has put all of this effort in for. She screwed up, she is human and she has tried to make it right which is all you or anyone else could ask of her. If she can't screw up, do everything she can to make it right, and receive your forgiveness, then what is she waiting for? What are you waiting for? I don't mean to minimize the pain here because you know I know what it is like, but you simply have to get through this. Don't worry about why she has wanted to make it work. Take a leap of faith and trust her again. Seek the help you need to make it happen. Ask her for her help in rebuilding the trust, be honest to her about your feelings but also make sure she knows you are committed. Tell her you appreciate everything she has done to make it right because you damn well should appreciate it and don't ever hold her past mistakes over her head. (Not saying you do) You've already been through hell and back, now it is time for your finest hour.
cdbaker is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-24-2011, 03:21 PM   #13 (permalink)
anx
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,081
Default Re: Should I leave my wife if she sort of cheated?

Quote:
Most people go about their marriage as normal loving couples.
I don't agree. Marriage is hard work.

Quote:
Because I just sit there and act like a happy couple. I grow tired of acting.
You 100% NEED to do something to change this. Do not wake up a year from now in the same position. Everything will be VERY BAD at that point.

You didn't say what you planned on doing from your reply.
At least pick up a book about this ASAP (today or RIGHT NOW). I would suggest MC too, but at least start with a book.
anx is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-24-2011, 03:57 PM   #14 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: PA
Posts: 19
Default Re: Should I leave my wife if she sort of cheated?

I dont think I want to do MC anymore. The one I went to made it sound like it was some amazing thing that she cheated and wanted to leave me and now she realized the grass isnt greener and she wants to be in the marriage. Like she did nothing wrong. It was ok to test the waters and now she knows for sure.

Sorry. My beliefs are really strong when it comes to marriage. All the problems my wife had with me could have been worked out in MC. She could have sat me down and said that Im having such and such issue. And those issues werent major. I mean major, like I never abused her or drugs or anything. Stuff you can work on. But instead of coming to me she went outside the marriage. Telling these guys how unhappy she was and how she wanted out. Those are things you cant work on. Going to other guys is too far for me to deal with. I will consider going to a PC but MC is too hard. Just have to keep bringing up the bad stuff.

cdbaker

I feel for you after reading your story. thank you for the advice. I dont know how you can still try to work things out with your ex. Your a better man then me. Maybe I have too much pride in a bad way, that I cant let it go.

As far as a plan right now... this might sound awful but as of now my plan is to act for the next 12 years until my youngest son is 18. Then I will end my acting and my marriage.
still existing is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-24-2011, 04:19 PM   #15 (permalink)
anx
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,081
Default Re: Should I leave my wife if she sort of cheated?

Quote:
As far as a plan right now... this might sound awful but as of now my plan is to act for the next 12 years until my youngest son is 18. Then I will end my acting and my marriage.
Please don't just let this fester for a year. I can not even tell you how bad of an idea this is.

MC is very hard, but 100% worth it. if you are not willing or able to do MC right now, get in PC and start figuring this out.

What your W did was wrong, but you acting like everything is ok is also 100% wrong.

She isn't acting like nothing is wrong. I think she realizes what she did was very wrong and tried to fix it.

Maybe your MC wasn't good or a good fit.

Quote:
She could have sat me down and said that Im having such and such issue.
Your current situation is fixable. Its now your turn to realize and change something instead of waiting until something bad happens.

Also, in MC you NEED to speak up for yourself to make it work. the counselor isn't a mind reader and can't pull the issues out from your head.

Last edited by anx; 02-24-2011 at 05:07 PM.
anx is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Cheated on pregnant girlfriend (sort of long story) asylumspadez Coping with Infidelity 21 02-22-2012 01:16 PM
I sort of cheated.... 1whoneedshelp Coping with Infidelity 36 08-11-2011 04:39 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads





Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:57 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage