Now what?

lostluv · 09-08-2008, 11:28 AM

My husband of almost 14 years and I have reached a point where we spend more time arguing and being miserable that doing anything in our marriage. We have discussed divorce, I told him I wanted out, but he refuses to concider it as a possiblity. He says we need to work out our problems but they are the same problems we've had for 10 years and I don't feel they are going to get resolved. I have reached a point where I truely believe I am done. I'm tired of the current situaton and just want it to be over. I have told him I want to cut our losses and focus on being friends if for nothing else the sake of our kids (11 and 12). He says the kids are just more reason to stay together and it's wrong to break up thier family. He has even gone as far as to say if I try to divorce him he will make it as miserable as possible for me and will fight it every step of the way. I don't want to hurt my kids any more than I have to and would like to see a peaceful solution to this but I can't seem to find one other than sucking it up and staying miserable. Someone PLEASE help...any suggestions?

Amplexor · 09-08-2008, 11:35 AM

What are the problems you two have been experiencing over the last 10 years? Have you tried counseling? Please give us more information.

lostluv · 09-08-2008, 11:41 AM

Most could probably be summed up under the heading of poor communication. Other than that subcatigories include trust, jealousy, control, and judgementalness. Add to that the fact he says "its just the way I am". We have never been to counseling but I do't feel it would be benifical. He has the ability to tell people what he feels they need to hear to make him look good and even convince himself that what he is saying is the gospel truth even when it's not.

guiltygirl · 09-08-2008, 02:13 PM

It sounds like your husband needs to step up and take some responsiblity for the state of your marriage. In order for things to work out, you both have to have an open mind and evaluate the problems you are having. At this point, it seems that you are both unwilling. He is trying to control the situation...it would be better if you could be open with each other and try to figure out ways to improve your marriage. Counseling might be a good solution, IF your husband is capable of being honest about the problems and what he brings to the marriage.

I have posted on here about the problems my husband and I have had over the past 11 years of our marriage that we haven't been able to solve. I feel a lot like you...I just want to give up. Right now, we are on a break...I am staying somewhere else for a week. I really need some time and space to figure out my feelings about our marriage. I am considering going to counseling alone to work on some of my issues, and my husband has said he is open to couples counseling. He is a bit reluctant though due to the fact he didn't think it was helpful a few years ago when we tried it.

Anyway, sorry, this is about your situation. I would see about counseling first. Again, though, your husband might need to change his attitude and be honest about his issues. I don't believe that your marital issues are all your fault. See if he is willing to openly discuss all of the issues you have brought up. If not, then you may need to move forward with your decision. It sounds like you cannot continue with the way things are. Good luck!

Amplexor · 09-08-2008, 02:58 PM

A good counselor would be able to spot your husband’s self martyring and BS. Give it a chance, you’d be amazed what a positive and relationship building experience it can be. Good luck

voivod · 09-09-2008, 01:24 AM

lostluv,

you said:

>>>He has even gone as far as to say if I try to divorce him he will make it as miserable as possible for me<<<

hmm, so he DOES have the ability to make things miserable. the skills to make things pleasant are very similar. had he not done individual counseling? choices that he makes with regard to his behavior within the relationship are the screws to turn.

tell him: "honey, you realize that your choice to make it difficult and your choice to make this marriage more than tolerable are very close. how'd ya like to learn a little about how that could work?"

his response would be telling.