I could use a little advice/support right now. Iíve been doing a lot of reading lately, trying to decide where Iím at and where I want to go. Iíve thought about leaving my marriage of 15 years now easily for 3+ years, but always on and off (I have another post here outlining it from about a month ago). Last few months, Iíve given it much more serious thought, started planning how I would do it, where I might go, preparation.
Iíve also been changing my lifestyle, lot more emphasis on taking care of myself. Joined a gym, dropped a lot weight, less voluntary overtime at work. These are all things the H has noticed, but not with the expected ďWow, you really look great and it makes me want you more.Ē But with the insecure snippy remarks of ďWhen you going to leave me?Ē
I still was planning that Iíd take at least four more months to plan my next moves, however yesterday H pushed the issue about feeling insecure over the changes Iíve been making and wanted to talk. I completely made myself available to him, but as I expected it fell right into the same realm it always does (I cannot give him any sort of ďI wish things were differentĒ feedback without him immediately shutting down and claiming heís always at fault and I am not).
The calm talk started to turn into a fight so I told him I really didnít want to discuss things anymore until we were both calm again. This morning, he left angrily then tried to re-engage me via text messages to discuss things.
We went back and forth and he suggested Couples Therapy. I read that (at the end of what really was an inflammatory email otherwise and realized I just donít want to. I told him as much.)
He immediately called and asked if I was divorcing him. I said, no, I didnít say that, but letís discuss it more tonight.
I know heís stressed, I know heís upset, I know heís scared of losing me. He even sent more about being willing to change and work towards our marriage.
But through all the back and forth I was hit with the realization that Iím done, like I just donít see my future with him anymore, that I really just want out. It was overwhelming how suddenly decided I was.
With everything Iíve read all the posts here, friends Iíve talked to. I really donít know how to handle his desire to try and make things work, when I just feel like Iíve already checked out. I really donít want to hurt him, but I suddenly, strongly feel that I canít make my decisions based on that one desire, but on what my needs are.
My H does the same things with the self-blaming and "I wish things were different". It drives me crazy. Then not wanting to talk about things but engaging me in texts all day long. Ugh. My question for you, however, is do you love him still? If he were to change would you change your mind? You've outgrown him, it sounds like. You lost yourself in the relationship, and then found yourself and realized that you don't need him anymore.
I just wish my H would tell me he'd change and work on the marriage. He's the one who's lost himself, and thinks things can never get better. So frustrating.
Always as you said in one of my posts it sounds like we are going through nearly the same thing. My husband wants to fight and I really don't either. We did counseling, I even went back and read the notes from all 12 sessions over a year. It really feels like we made very little progress and I think we had a good therapist. He suggests going again and I really don't want to after all that. I stopped when it felt like we were stuck. Do you have a lot of guilt going on? I know I do. I wish he felt like I did or had a reason to want out too. Its so hard to leave the father of my children when he doesn't want it to end. I fear I will always be blamed and that my kids will have bitterness towards me for leaving their dad.
I don't have any advice. I am having a hard time staying strong. I have been here before, committed to leave and talk to him about it and he sucks me back into the cycle. We get along "ok" again (its never great) and I end up wanting out with all my might a few months later. Let us know how things go. Do you have kids?
As it turns out, we sort of called a truce that night and have not really discussed things since.
I also wnet out of town for a few days for work, so we've not really revisited it, but I'm ok with that because I'm not ready to talk divorce yet.
We do have kids, two of them, and I have no intention of separating him from them, but I also hate the idea of not having them close to me 50% of my life either.
I know if I don't change things today, I will absolutely change things in 10 years when the youngest leaves the house. And I ask myself. Do I really need to sacrifice 10 years of my life? What would be gained?
I do a lot of reading and one book I read recently talks alot about what we teach our daughters through our own marriage. About submission vs independence and having a right to be happy. About how the role of women has been to just suck it up and keep the house and marriage in order, despite any sacrifices. And the perceptions of a woman who breaks up her marriage and leaves her home.
On the flip side, I'm very fortunate. My parents are in favor of me leaving, my best friend is in favor of me leaving. I have an incredible support team.
At first I thought I had been considering leaving for about three years, but my parents called out times 5 years ago when I mentioned being unhappy. Then my GF called out a time _8_ years ago. This isn't an overnight feeling, its one I've been living with for a very long time.
I read recently that because of all the strains that attempting to an an entwined long term marriage can bring, many women thinking about leaving have fantasized about their spouse dying instead, because that would be an act of fate and there would be no guilt or blame laid on the woman.
The realization that I am one of those women made me cry. How fair is it, to my H to continue the relationship, doesn't he deserve more too?
He even sent more about being willing to change and work towards our marriage.
This is such a good sign.
YouTube - Prevent My Divorce: The Walkaway Wife Syndrome
I saw this recently. Obviously you have put a lot into the relationship and this doesn't 100% fit your story. However, the saying that people don't change is BS. I changed. MANY men of these forums changed. Your husband is saying he is willing to.
Your husband has also stuck by you when he was hurting and things were going well. A lot of the time, we do the best we know how, and its wrong. People make stupid choices when hurt.
I think you owe it to your husband, kids, and vows to really try at MC. This can work out.